It’s not just my Twitter name. It’s now a reality. With Sam going in the Army, I will more than likely always be a stay at home mom.
I know some of you are thinking, “Lucky.” I count my blessings for that – I really do. The past few months have been some of the most stressful in wondering what on earth I was going to do to pull in enough money for a decent daycare and to provide extra income. Every day I wake up and thank God that I have one more day at home with Bella.
But like any stay at home mom, I have “What’s the point?” days. Today is one of them.
- What’s the point in getting dressed today? Bella could care less.
- What’s the point in going somewhere when it’s cold and it will still be there tomorrow to go?
- What’s the point in cleaning my house when it just gets dirty again?
- What’s the point in putting on shoes, makeup, clean clothes, or heck – underwear for that matter?
I think the hard part about being a SAHM, especially as the winter sets in, is the fact that there is always tomorrow. And you know that tomorrow is going to be eerily similar to today. Like to the point you can’t even remember what you did from one day to the next since it’s just a CD on repeat with an occasional spaz out to stir things up. And the exciting spaz out can be, “Oh look, Mommy found a chocolate bar!” And that moment is remembered because a few days (and chocolate bars) later, your thighs no longer squeeze into the pants that aren’t clean and you didn’t care about putting on in the first place until you ran out of, well…chocolate.
While months seem to fly by, days can be never ending. I start to run out of fun ideas. Planning trips is hard with a twice a day napper. Because by the time we change a diaper, get dressed, fix lunch, eat, clean up, pack the diaper bag, haul it to the car and drive to the place, it’s nearly time for nap again. So the “stay at home” part becomes more and more ideal.
Would I want to go back to work on days like this? A tiny part of me would, simply to get up and nicely dressed, head to Starbucks and spend the day talking about adult things. Instead of spraying poop filled diapers into the toilet, sprinting over baby gates, poking at something on the carpet and then thinking, “Well, it’s been there a week already. Maybe tomorrow.”
But most of me would never want to because I love being home with Bella so much. And I’m terrified that I couldn’t do it all as a working mom. Honestly. I would come home and simply fall apart because of the amount of stress I would be under to run a home, work, and be a wife and mother. I greatly admire working moms.
I wouldn’t change this for the world, truly. This is just a little reminder to me of what life is like with one child that I will look back on one day and think, “Oh yeah, I remember that.” As a whirl out the door to soccer games, ballet, school conferences, playdates and perhaps work at that point, I can read this and want to strangle myself for not understanding the chaos that would come in a few years.
So for now? I will wait for Bella to get up from nap, do lunch and play, wait for a second nap, and then try to take her out somewhere. Because having the privilage of staying at home means my work to raise my daughter is bigger than my “What’s the point” days.
Maybe I’ll stop and get a Starbucks and pretend I’m the nanny. :p