Having a good day? Then don’t read this.

January 13, 2011

I wasn’t going to write about this. I was going to write something funny, something where everyone would nod along, smile and leave my blog with a happy feeling. But it keeps nagging at me.

So too bad. You’re here. Now you’ve got to read or you’ll wonder what’s going on.

Sam leaves for 18 weeks (a tad over 4 months) in March. He’ll be in Georgia training for his job in the Army. I’ll be here. Till July.

To put it bluntly – I’m terrified. I guess of everything. Being alone. Being a single mom. Missing him.

I’m mostly afraid of becoming depressed. I have this great fear of depression – it runs in my family. I’ve seen it’s crippling side effects and try to make sure that I avoid any situation that would make me even slightly feel like that.

But with Sam gone that long, I don’t know what I’ll do. Right now, I have a purpose during my day. I know that when Bella goes to bed, I will cook dinner and clean up before he gets home. I enjoy having him come home and seeing what I accomplished while he was gone – a painting from Bella, neatly stacked up toys, a furniture rearrange. Sam notices and appreciates the things I do.

Being a SAHM requires a lot of self discipline, something I’m not great at. That has been the hardest part of this last year. Pushing myself to do things outside my comfort zone. I really do try though, for Bella’s sake. And I’ve got a routine down during the day. But remember my “What’s the point?” post? I worry that might be every day.

When he’s gone? There won’t be any reason to keep this routine I have. No one will care. I can vacumm the next day. I don’t have to cook anything for myself. Dishes? meh.

Yes, I need to do all this for Bella. Of course she is a reason. But I’m afraid that my overwhelming sense of being alone, and the never ending weeks of him being gone will take a toll on me. I thrive on being held accountable for things, having a purpose, a goal.

On top of that, I have to be strong. I can’t fall apart like I have at every other separation, because neither he or Bella need me to constantly do that. At night I flip over away from him, and hot tears pour down my face as I listen to him breathe and feel his legs entwined with mine. I try to breathe normally as my throat closes up, I try hard not to think about how much I will miss him, how scary it will be to lay there alone so far away from him. How tough it’s going to be to not see him walk in the door at night, to wake up next to him in the morning. How I will miss my best friend, confidante, and partner.

Yes, it’s 4 months. But it’s not. It’s just a glimpse of the years to come. That is what scares me the most.

And as I sit typing, Sam lays next to me asleep. I wipe tears away as I pour out my heart on here, and try to capture this moment of us. Right now. To be still and thankful for the present.

As I went to set this to publish, a verse popped into my head, and I wanted to share it. Which isn’t something I normally do, but:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:34

18 Comments

  • Why all the guest posts? : Hormonal Imbalances

    March 1, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    […] I am spending time with my husband before he leaves. Relaxing. Cooking. Knitting. Curling up on the couch with him and watching movies. Sleeping in and […]

  • Stephanie

    January 31, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Diana, I just found your blog by doing a bit of poking around on twitter. This post moved me. I am not a military wife, but my husband does travel extensively for work. His schedule has made it necessary for me to stay home, as the logistics of having a job and dealing with/paying for childcare would be so challenging. Staying home has its benefits and I try to cherish those moments that I might otherwise miss. But man, is it hard work.

    I, too, have a family history of depression and I’m always worried. I agree with other commenters that if you are worried about it, you are already aware enough to be able to deal with it immediately if it starts to show itself. Since Sam will be away, it might help to have some other person whom you trust and who will be completely honest with you who can “keep an eye” on any signs. I tell my husband about the details of my mother’s depressive behaviors all the time and ask him to watch out for them in me. His times away are shorter, though.

    It was also helpful for me to read about another mom who struggles with the absence of her spouse. When my husband is away, I find myself just trying to get through the days until he gets home, but that turns into frittering away entire days of my kids’ childhood. Childhood is short enough as it is.

    I will be thinking about you.

  • We decided. |

    January 31, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    […] other 3 weekdays) and with 2 other children meant that I had no emergency or last minute care when Sam is gone. I need […]

  • Tweets that mention Having a good day? Then don’t read this. | — Topsy.com

    January 14, 2011 at 3:21 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Diana and Diana. Diana said: Blogged: Having a good day? Then don’t read this. http://goo.gl/fb/xgei3 […]

  • Jen

    January 13, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Being alone is scary, and I had to find out the hard way. I didn’t have much of a support system when my hubby left, and so I literally had to figure things out for myself. I used to be so co-dependent, and now it’s very freeing to know that if something needs fixed, I can fix it. If dinner needs to be cooked, I can do it all by myself and take care of 2 kids. You are such an amazing and accomplished person. Your routine will change, obviously, but keeping a routine does make time go by faster, and helps you set up times to get things done. Visit all of your friends and family as much as possible, and NEVER say no to an offer of help 🙂 I’ve been there, I’m STILL freaking there, and if you ever need to talk, I am just a phone call away. Even if you just need to cry because you’re having an over-whelming day. I can’t even begin to count how many days I just lost it, and it was nice to be able to call someone and say, “You know what?? Today really effing sucked. Please listen to my pity party and tears and don’t judge me.” And take advantage of Sam being home now, trust me. TRUST me!!

  • kim

    January 13, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Being aware of depression is a MAJOR factor, Diana, you are so very right. And yes, you will keep going, keep things normal and fun because as Alena said, that’s what a military wife does. But you’re allowed to be a little frightened, as well. I also know that you are an incredibly strong woman with the intelligence and wit to solve any issue that comes along — and do it with a smile. Then give us a funny or sarcastic post about it later. Sam knows this, too.

  • cathy

    January 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

    <3 I'm sorry you are feeling scared about all this 🙁 I can sympathize with you about how it feels to miss someone, and 4 months is a long time to be away from Sam. I just know you will get through it and I know how many people on here love you! I love the quote you posted, it's hard to live by but it's true. Worrying today may take away the time you have up until the point that he leaves 🙁 You want to start a book club or something? I promise I will try and come up more so you will have someone! Even though it's not the same with me, I at least can find funny videos to watch on Youtube 🙂 Just try and think about how amazing you will feel when he does come home after that long 🙂

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      I would LOVE to start a book club! That would be so much fun.

      I read your comment and it was like walkin’ on sunshine and taking a big ole’ huff of canned air.

      lol

      Thanks Cathy.

  • ferryl sweeney

    January 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

    your so strong diana!! I couldn’t even imagine what your going through… I’d be extremely upset as well. I’ve gotta say.. This blog brought me to tears… for you. I’m sorry girl. You’ve got a beautiful little girl that’s gonna pull you through and keep your head high and that smile on your face even when your hurting and lonely! I’m sure your routine will be comfort but if there’s some days you can’t or don’t want to, give yourself a break and don’t beat yourself up. Relax!!! And just an idea but maybe set some goals that you’d like to have accomplished before sam gets home! Just try to stay busy with projects!! I get so bored sometimes (with jeremy working so much) that having the wedding to plan and focusing on losing weight has helped me occupy my free time! Which isn’t much as you know lol! Idk, I’ve never had to experience those feelings but know that I’m here whenever you need me… Call anytime! Maybe we’ll set up some visits! Ill be here for you as much as I can! And I’m sure its SOO hard but try not to focus on the hard days to come and focus on these precious days you have left together.. Easier said then done, I know. As far as depression.. It also runs in my family and I was scared of postpartum.. Just lean on your family and friends, get in some yoga or excersizing, and take great care of yourself!!!! You can do this! You’ve done it before girl!! Ill be keeping you in my thought and prayers! As well as your sister going through her surgeries!

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      We will have to get together – that would be so much fun. I was scared about PPD too, and it didn’t really happen (I just became a nut for a while about cleaning). So maybe because I blog and am aware of it I can stay on top of it.

  • Mandy

    January 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Hey girl, I can only imagine what you are going through and that would be tough for me too. I know you are strong and you are going to be great. I think it would be great for you to “make” plans. Go stay with your sister for a week, me a week, your parents. Surround yourself with people. Bella is going to start talking up a storm and keep you on your toes, so time is going to fly by. You can call me at anytime. I’ll pray for you sweet friend!

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm

      Thanks Mandy. I hope to spend a lot, and I mean a lot, of time down there with all of you when Sam leaves. You are a sweetheart – always so kind and thoughtful.

  • Alena

    January 13, 2011 at 9:18 am

    You will do it because you have to. You will do it becase as an Army (or any military) wife, he expects and needs you to. You will do it because you have to keep up his home while he is gone so he can concentrate on what he is doing and not worrying about you. Which of course he will worry and miss you. But he needs to trust and believe that no matter how long he is gone you will keep his home running like a well oiled machine. Because that’s what a military wife does for her family. We offer our children the stability that this life lacks, we offer our husbands a home to come back to that was able to keep running with no problems and we do our best to hold ourselves together even when it hurts. Its not easy and it takes some getting use to. On his first trip I made a schedule for myself of what to do when so I could get back into a groove.

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      I love you. I really do – you are such a special person. This comment was like a kick in my sad, pathetic rear to buck up and remember it’s not all about me. I know you know what this feels like, and I appreciate that you wrote this more than you’ll ever know. Thank you.

  • Tracy

    January 13, 2011 at 9:12 am

    try and think positive. You have sweet Bella and you can do this.

    You could always blog instead of cleaning. Find friends and go places.

    Where in GA will he be?

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:07 pm

      He will be in Ft. Gordon – I think it’s near Augusta but I always get it confused. 🙂

      Sometimes I blog instead of cleaning now lol, but it is something to know I have as a sanity saver.

  • R’s Mom

    January 13, 2011 at 9:10 am

    First off, big hugs to you. This is a huge change for everyone, and it is normal I think to be so apprehensive and worried.

    That being said, I think that because you are so aware of depression, it will not become a problem for you. That’s not to say you won’t become depressed — I’m not a doctor and no one can predict that — but you are aware. And being aware means that you will be proactive. So that you will know when to seek medical attention, if necessary, and nip it in the bud before it becomes crippling.

    Also, are there any military support groups in your area? Other military wives that you can join up with for support? My best friend is a military wife, and I know she relies on the support from other wives…and being able to provide support to other wives.

    I had to live apart from my husband for about six months after we were married (job/school logistics) and it was easy to fall into the leave the dishes/don’t eat well/let laundry pile up, etc. And sometimes i just had to remind myself “what if hubby were able to make a surprise visit tomorrow? (even though I knew he couldn’t)…would it upset him to see me living this way?” And sometimes that was enough incentive to get my rear in gear. And I also learned to appreciate the self-satisfaction of a well-organized house.

    Finally, get involved however you can to give you a purpose outside of your home. Volunteer (some organizations provide child watch services for volunteers), play groups, etc. Anything to help give your weeks a bit of routine.

    Good luck!

    1. Diana

      January 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

      Thanks. 🙂 There is one group I’ve found in my area, but it’s not active. I’m not in a big military city right now so it’s not easy to connect with moms going through the same thing.

      I love the thought of “What if he came home right now?” I’m tucking that away to remember after he leaves.

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