This was kinda shocking, and it had nothing to do with the white legs.

April 13, 2011

My sister snapped this picture of me at my parents house this weekend. When I realized she had tagged me on FB with it, I cringed and braced myself for the worst. Only to realize that (glaring white legs aside) it wasn’t really THAT bad. It’s not my ideal look, but then, what is? (And I have an Easter egg on my skirt. It took me forever to figure out what the heck that was.)

My last post was actually written over a week ago and set to publish Monday, so in that time I’ve thought a lot about my struggle with weight and talked to my sister, mom and Sam about it really honestly. I do think I have some major issues. Thankfully I don’t think throwing a meal up is the best way to lose the pounds anymore. And I can get on the scale and deal with reality. I don’t hyperventalite in the Dr.’s office. It has gotten better – at least on the outside. I think mentally I’m still in the same place.

I wish I was one of those people who could just exercise and not have it be a mental battle to keep going. Because for me, it is. Every day begins with guilt about not wanting to, and then promises of “later” that are rarely kept.

So I’m pondering. Where to go from here. What I should do. Maybe see a therapist. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have to change something, because the last thing I ever, ever want to do is focus on all this insecurity and body loathing with Bella watching.

11 Comments

  • Jacki

    April 13, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    when i opened this post i was like “that has to be from before she got pregnant because she is so tiny!”

    wow! you look great! totally thought that was a pre-baby pic!

  • Branson

    April 13, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    I have definitely been worried about you since that last post… I do think that even though you know that throwing up isn’t the answer it might be good to talk to someone about it because it is so easy to slip back into old habits. But yes, you look great and being healthy is what is important. 🙂 xoxo

  • LA@TheReelFamily

    April 13, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Psst…. your beautiful. No seriously you are.

    Good for you for knowing that you need to fix your thought process before Bella is old enough to mimic it. Its truly amazing what parenthood does to you.

  • Papagayita

    April 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I hate that so many women deal with this crippling self hatred. When and where were we taught to hate ourselves, our bodies, and practice violence against ourselves? Virtually every American woman I meet suffers with this, I’m certainly no exception. Why not value what we do with our bodies, minds, and spirits? Sizzle wrote a great post about it a few days ago–including a powerful video and quote: “Constantly worrying about your reflection and criticising your body, shape and size is an act of violence against yourself.” http://sizzlesays.wordpress.com/2011/04/12/move-in-a-new-direction/

  • Alexia

    April 13, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I’m with all the other ladies. You look AMAZING. Those skinny little legs may be pale, but they are hot!!! I know, I know, naturally tan over here shouldn’t throw rocks.

    I agree with the idea of seeing a therapist because we learn our body images from our mothers, sisters and other important women in our lives. If you are going to raise Bella to be comfortable and confident with herself, no matter her build, you’ve gotta get right with yourself.

    That being said, don’t beat yourself up for not wanting to ‘work out’. I HATE going to the gym and getting on a treadmill. But LOVE walking with friends and running around the park and hiking. Get Bella out in the great outdoors with you and stay active and the pounds will start shedding ; )

  • Jen

    April 13, 2011 at 10:41 am

    On the white leg thing, have you seen my milk white skin? On the weight thing, like said above everyone has something they don’t like about there body, its natural, in your picture I see a beautiful mother who has a great body, we are always way harder on ourselves than we need or should be. Take it a day at a time, find at least one thing you like about yourself and focus on that I think with time you will start noticing other things you like about yor body! (((hugs)))

  • Teresa

    April 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

    You really do look great. I know exactly what you mean about finding motivation to exercise. I exercise in spurts. I will do really well and stay committed for about, oh, maybe a week, then I’ll slip back into being a couch potato. I want a healthy heart and I want to be able to chase my kids without getting out of breath, but I don’t want to work hard to get there! Ugh. I’ve been sitting here for hours, time to attempt to walk around…

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    April 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

    They are not white legs, they are alabaster and the height of fashion! And you look fantastic. Really. You just need to believe it.

    I think every woman struggles with her body image. Oh society…

  • Blair@HeirtoBlair

    April 13, 2011 at 8:14 am

    dude. you look hot.

    I’m not just saying that. I think you have a lovely, beautiful, slim body.

    I promise I’m not going all SWF on you.

  • kim

    April 13, 2011 at 8:10 am

    Come stand next to me, you’re gonna be so freaking tan!! And those legs? Looooking good!!

  • melissa

    April 13, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Lookin’ good mama! White legs are in this season… or at least that’s what I’m telling myself 😉

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