Emptying my Thoughts

May 3, 2011

I’m laying here in bed. I was trying to get to sleep early but there is too much running through my head. So I’m trying to write it out here.

I’m tired. Physically, I am worn out. Bella wakes up between 6 and 6:30 every morning. God knows why. It’s all I can do to drag myself out of bed to get her and start the day.

I do love being with her. Our days consist of trips to the park, Gymboree, museums, Target, and tomorrow the Children’s Botanical Gardens. But by the end of the day, I’m worn down. I’m short tempered and watch the clock – and I don’t like that. I try to give her my best every day but I end up feeling like I half assed it most of the time. The guilt of never measuring up to the ideal mom weighs on me. As stupid and unrealistic as that is.

I often downplay to myself what stress Sam being gone causes. I tell myself, “I only have one kid. My husband is only gone 4 1/2 months. I can Skype and call him. We get to go visit.” So yeah, compared to many of my friends who are dealing with multiple children and long deployments, this isn’t so bad. But I’ve already done the war thing. I’ve sent him off for 9 months in the middle of the disaster and waited by the phone for him to call. I’ve gone weeks without hearing from him. This? This is just a different kind of hard.

In lighter news, we have planned a second trip to Georgia at the end of this month. This time we’re going to head to Savannah and take Bella to the beach. I am so excited to see her reaction to the ocean and lots of sand and shells. She’s going to love it.

I am excited to go back – to get to see Augusta again and enjoy it even more now that we know where to go and what to see. And of course, to see Sam. I love being with him. It was hard to leave last time, but at least I know he’s safe where he is.

I’m starting to mentally pack things around here. Prepacking planning. lol. I’m taking note of things we never use, what we can give away, etc. It’s coming up all too quickly. The other night I sat watching the sun set and it hit me that in a few more weeks, I won’t live here again for a very long time. That’s hard to accept. I love where I live. But, I also know I’ll love it somewhere else. Even El Paso. My dad reminded me the other day that I’d been there before – I was about 13 and we went to Carlsbad Caverns and then to El Paso. I remember really liking it.

Surprise!

I’m trying not to stress or fear anything. I know that God has a plan for us in El Paso. I trust that and it makes it easier. I wish he’d let me in on the plan ahead of time or ask me for my input, but that doesn’t seem to be his deal. 🙂

I have the thought of Sam being deployed always on my mind. It’s there in everything. Even laying next to him in Georgia I thought about how this would be one of the only times in his career I’d be able to visit him when he was gone from us. He always says, “when I deploy” because it probably will happen and he needs me to get used to that fact. But it’s hard. I can’t wrap my head around it.

So mentally, and physically, I’m doing this. I’m being a (sorry for using this term but I don’t know any other) single mom for now, and I’m getting through each day. I’ve got 8 weeks down as of tonight. And 6-10 more to go.

Now to head to bed before my child decides that 4am is really the most delightful of times to start a day.

15 Comments

  • Jess@Straight Talk

    May 5, 2011 at 9:37 am

    My favorite thing about El Paso were our mini vacations to Ruidoso, New Mexico. I wish we were able to go when we are visiting in town, but with short trips it’s not realistic. But Ruidoso can be your little piece of Colorado just 3 hours from home.

  • Noelle S.

    May 5, 2011 at 7:16 am

    ((hugs)) My hubby works very long hours and most days hes gone before I get up and home shortly before I go to bed and I am so exhausted. I can’t even begin to imagine how tired you are being a single mom. On a happier note I am so excited that Bella gets to see the ocean soon. That will be a very fun trip. Hopefully you can get some rest while visiting Sam.

  • Janelle

    May 4, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Bella won’t remember these days. She really won’t. She will remember the feeling of being loved and cared for. Cut yourself some slack! 🙂

  • Krista

    May 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    It’s hard doing the parenting thing alone. Even if you’re not “single”, you’re still the only parent with Bella all day long. No one to pass her off to so you can shower, no one to step in during a meltdown when you’re at your wits end, no one to laugh about it all with after she goes to bed.

    You’re doing a great job at finding the bright side and keeping your head up. I’m so proud of you.

  • Katrina

    May 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    *HUGS* It IS hard being a single mom. And don’t be afraid to use that term. It’s the role you are playing right now and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that.
    There are days even when my husband IS around that I get overwhelmed with my kids – especially my daughter who is a major handful. Toddlers tend to be that way! lol
    There’s nothing wrong with it being hard either. It is a different kind of hard but it is still hard nonetheless. Hopefully it will pass quickly for you!

  • Cathy

    May 4, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Has it been that long already? Geez…where does the time go. Hey-look at it this way, you are getting the not very great stations out of the way, and you will eventually get a good one! I’ll be sad to see you go, but you always have so many people you can come back to for a visit 🙂

  • Branson

    May 4, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I have been so out of the loop lately, and have missed your blog. I am glad you are making peace with El Paso 😉 Moving is no fun at all, but being settled instead of in limbo will surely be good! I don’t know how you guys do it, being apart and moving so much, but I appreciate what you do for our country. I will keep praying for you guys 🙂 hugs!

  • TheNextMartha

    May 4, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Hang in there. Hugs.

  • Lisa @ Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy

    May 4, 2011 at 8:44 am

    my husband is here and i watch the clock like that some days!! 🙂

  • Teresa

    May 4, 2011 at 7:09 am

    My husband works from sunup until sundown every day and when he comes home, the kids are usually tucked in bed. I feel like a single mom too. Maybe the people who don’t like the term would prefer “single parent” since I don’t have to go to work? Whatever. I watch the clock as I play with the kids too. At the end of the day though, my kids don’t know that I was watching the clock; all they know is that they had exercise, they were fed well, and that I love them. You are doing great and you aren’t alone feeling this way. I groan when the sun rises, hehe, I LOVE sleep and NEVER get the amount I need.

    How exciting that you get to see your husband soon and that your daughter will see the ocean!

    I am so glad that you have faith in God and I can’t wait to hear about your El Paso adventures.

  • Dana K

    May 4, 2011 at 6:40 am

    I’ve been wondering where you were. I only have 1 kid, too, but I can’t believe how different & more difficult it is for Chris to be gone right now.

    Side note – I’m heading down to GA (near Savannah) this month, too. Pop me an email or a DM. Maybe our dates will coincide?

  • kim

    May 4, 2011 at 6:15 am

    So wish I could help. 🙂 I hope you get some well deserved rest when you visit Sam, because no matter WHAT you call it (and call it being a single mom, haters can SHUT UP, do they have some weird term they use? Yeah, I didn’t think so.)you’re parenting alone and you don’t get a break. My lord, I’ve been doing it alone for 4 days and my kids need to sleep outside tonight to give me a break. So hugs and kudos and that to you. So glad that you’re starting to feel better about El Paso, too. 🙂

  • Bonnie

    May 4, 2011 at 4:10 am

    I’m feeling a lot of the same feelings you are… I’m tired… exhausted… emotionally, physically and mentally. I have all these good ideas that I want to do with my kids, but when I wake up in the morning, I don’t feel any more rested then the day before. :/

  • The Mrs

    May 4, 2011 at 4:08 am

    Yeah, God’s not so much into the whole “here’s my plan exactly as I plan it” thing.

    Growth. Who needs it, right?

    I feel for you. I don’t think it matters in your daily life why you’re taking care of your baby alone day after day – it’s not the company you want, although that would be nice. It’s the extra set of hands.

    Or the referee. (Miss is VERY two).

    Empathy from here. Hope you can feel it all the way down there.

  • Jen

    May 4, 2011 at 4:05 am

    Don’t apologize for using the term “single mom” when that’s what you are right now. I try not to watch the clock either, but there are some days that I say, “Okay kids, I know you just woke up, but who’s ready for naptime??” They don’t appreciate the humor. Just keep doing things during the day, and it will make the time go by so much faster. And that is so amazing that you get to go see Sam again soon 🙂

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