I’m laying here in bed. I was trying to get to sleep early but there is too much running through my head. So I’m trying to write it out here.
I’m tired. Physically, I am worn out. Bella wakes up between 6 and 6:30 every morning. God knows why. It’s all I can do to drag myself out of bed to get her and start the day.
I do love being with her. Our days consist of trips to the park, Gymboree, museums, Target, and tomorrow the Children’s Botanical Gardens. But by the end of the day, I’m worn down. I’m short tempered and watch the clock – and I don’t like that. I try to give her my best every day but I end up feeling like I half assed it most of the time. The guilt of never measuring up to the ideal mom weighs on me. As stupid and unrealistic as that is.
I often downplay to myself what stress Sam being gone causes. I tell myself, “I only have one kid. My husband is only gone 4 1/2 months. I can Skype and call him. We get to go visit.” So yeah, compared to many of my friends who are dealing with multiple children and long deployments, this isn’t so bad. But I’ve already done the war thing. I’ve sent him off for 9 months in the middle of the disaster and waited by the phone for him to call. I’ve gone weeks without hearing from him. This? This is just a different kind of hard.
In lighter news, we have planned a second trip to Georgia at the end of this month. This time we’re going to head to Savannah and take Bella to the beach. I am so excited to see her reaction to the ocean and lots of sand and shells. She’s going to love it.
I am excited to go back – to get to see Augusta again and enjoy it even more now that we know where to go and what to see. And of course, to see Sam. I love being with him. It was hard to leave last time, but at least I know he’s safe where he is.
I’m starting to mentally pack things around here. Prepacking planning. lol. I’m taking note of things we never use, what we can give away, etc. It’s coming up all too quickly. The other night I sat watching the sun set and it hit me that in a few more weeks, I won’t live here again for a very long time. That’s hard to accept. I love where I live. But, I also know I’ll love it somewhere else. Even El Paso. My dad reminded me the other day that I’d been there before – I was about 13 and we went to Carlsbad Caverns and then to El Paso. I remember really liking it.
I’m trying not to stress or fear anything. I know that God has a plan for us in El Paso. I trust that and it makes it easier. I wish he’d let me in on the plan ahead of time or ask me for my input, but that doesn’t seem to be his deal. 🙂
I have the thought of Sam being deployed always on my mind. It’s there in everything. Even laying next to him in Georgia I thought about how this would be one of the only times in his career I’d be able to visit him when he was gone from us. He always says, “when I deploy” because it probably will happen and he needs me to get used to that fact. But it’s hard. I can’t wrap my head around it.
So mentally, and physically, I’m doing this. I’m being a (sorry for using this term but I don’t know any other) single mom for now, and I’m getting through each day. I’ve got 8 weeks down as of tonight. And 6-10 more to go.
Now to head to bed before my child decides that 4am is really the most delightful of times to start a day.