Screw it all.

May 9, 2011

Isn’t that title super lady-like? I thought so. Very klassy.

But that’s how I feel about this whole diet/weight thing lately. I feel like as women, we’ve been trapped into a vicious cycle of diet, celebrate, binge, regret, and repeat. Our whole lives. And we put everything on hold until we “get there”. Thinner, toner, tanner.

And I’m tired of it.

I decided to make some changes that would help stop the cycle that isn’t doing me any good. Things that don’t usually = progress.

I canceled my Weight Watchers membership. Not because it doesn’t help, but because I wasn’t really using it and then I would feel guilty for not. And that guilt led to a cookie to help me think it over. All I could think of after was, “How many points was that cookie?” And knowing I blew it, I’d have another. Because why not?

I bought a BOB for jogging. Yes, I know I wrote Stroller Snobs. But I did have my reasons behind this, and I didn’t get the ’11 model (holy wow those are expensive and I didn’t see much of a difference). I needed one that was lightweight. My current one was around 35lbs.

So after I bought it, I’ve gone walking/jogging with it almost everyday. It’s worth it. And I do not give anyone dirty looks. My car is a KIA so let’s not get all hoity.

I’m buying a bathing suit because I booked a hotel in Georgia that has a pool. And it’s been (muffled) years since I’ve been in a bathing suit because I always have to lose weight. The other day I sat thinking about how I needed to lose more before I bought one, and it hit me:

I’m never going to lose enough.

Even as a size 6 I didn’t feel comfortable in one. So it’s either get my mom flab into it and have some fun, or keep waiting ’till I can’t wear one anyway because I’m confined to a wheel chair at age 90. I might weigh 118 at that point but let’s face it – no one around me will care because they’re all half blind too.

It’s not that I’m learning “self acceptance” or to “love my body”, because I still am not a fan of muffin toppin’ it in jeans or my chunky arms. But it’s now or never. I’ve waited most of my life to have a bikini body so I can get in the pool. Go for a run. Wear cute skirts. Not feel ill as I browse through bathing suits.

And who cares? Who am I so worried about? Some random person at the pool? What are they going to do, scream at my cellulite and run away clawing their eyes out? Call CPS for endangering my child by showing her porky thighs?

(This is where you assure me that, no indeed, this won’t happen)

JCrew.com

I’m tired of being trapped by my own self consciousness and fears. So even if I don’t like what I see in the mirror, it needs to not matter anymore. Because in 10 years? I’m not going to like it either. But at least I’ll know that it didn’t hold me back from looking the best I could at that moment. I’m going to run and swim and eat – and deal with it while I do.

Screw it. I may not have 3 inches of air between my legs as I walk, but I’m also not setting any small fires with the friction. So that’s got to count for something.

15 Comments

  • Kelly

    May 12, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    You have impeccable taste in strollers – model and color! I have the same one except the duallie which I bought before miscarrying and am going to feel pretty lame running for too long without two kids in it.

    Even as a teenager I never had 3 inches of space between my thighs. It doesn’t matter what weight I’m at, I’ll forever have hips and thighs and having a baby just made things a little wider. I’m in no way completely confident with m body but definitely care less about what other people think after having had a child.

  • Natalie

    May 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Oh girl. Do I ever know how you feel. I spent pretty much my whole life beating the snot out of myself for not being “perfect”. Even at my skinniest I still thought I was huge. (P.S. I look at those pics and kick myself because I was rockin’ it.) I gave up…got heavy…and then found out I had developed Type II diabetes…at 27. So my focus has shifted, not to be a supermodel, but not to lose a limb or go blind or end up on dailysis by 40. Although its scary, my big reason for eating healthier is for just that…to be healthier. I wish I had had that “Aha!” moment years ago. Could have saved myself so many tears and self inflicted bad days.

  • Ado

    May 10, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Hi Shellac Girl, from Twitter.
    I 2nd this totally. I am so fed up with the American obsession w. weight. My mom had a really bad eating disorder. She was on a diet for my whole life – chasing perfection. She was never more than 5 lbs. overweight, and she was beautiful too. Right before she died she said, “See how thin I am, finally?” She was like 90 lbs. How sad. Anyway – I learned a lot from that. Don’t want to perpetuate that crud for my daughters (however Ella just told me I could lose some weight! Oh my God!) And so it goes.

  • Prudie

    May 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    A-MEN!!! You said it, sista’!

  • Amber

    May 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Airbrushing is evil. Unless of course, you know how to do it to your own photos. (Occasionally guilty here.)

    I had to do am emergency shop for a bathing suit Friday morning, as we made the last minute decision to go away for the weekend. I am happy to say that I didn’t let it get to me. It didn’t keep me off the beach, or clothed from head to toe while I was there. I wasn’t thrilled with how I looked, but I still enjoyed myself at the beach.

    That’s progress.

    Focus on the fun you’ll have in that suit. And if that doesn’t work, drown the bad feelings in a little gelato. šŸ™‚

  • Katrina

    May 9, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    As one of those “super skinny” women that most people are jealous of I can tell you…it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Eight months after my second baby and I’m down to lower than my pre-pregnancy weight. And I still hate my body! I have thunder thighs (ok, so I’ll admit that I’ve ALWAYS had thunder thighs; I can’t blame that on my babies) and wide hips and stretch marks on my boobs, stomach, butt and thighs. My stomach got so stretched out with my son (second pregnancy) that any time I eat I look like I’m 5 months pregnant. And I always have a little bit of that “muffin” top.
    Being (somewhat) healthy is way more important than being skinny or having that perfect body. I loved this blog and am totally cheering you on in all of your decisions. And I’m totally in love with that bathing suit!!!

  • kim

    May 9, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Just when I think, “I can’t possibly love Diana any more.” You post THIS. LOVE. And you’re going to rock that bathing suit.

  • Cathy

    May 9, 2011 at 11:23 am

    “I may not have 3 inches of air between my legs as I walk, but Iā€™m also not setting any small fires with the friction.” LOLOLOL- Hey-YOU LOOK GREAT! Now if it comes to the point where you are getting stuck on your toilet? Then i’ll have to do an intervention šŸ˜‰ All women feel this way, you are NOT alone!

  • Jessi

    May 9, 2011 at 10:22 am

    <3 this. The only thing you have to worry about is what makes you happy. If dieting ups and downs don't make you happy, what's the point?

    Also, I'm so glad you did whatever you did to fix the feed issue thing because now I can read your blog again! I've found you again yay!

  • Debby

    May 9, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Love this post!

    By the way, the space between the legs is airbrushed. You can always see the misaligned body shape when mags/catalogs decide to clean up the thighs and waist. Sometimes it is ridiculous!

  • Kathy

    May 9, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Great way of thinking! I need to figure something out! I still haven’t reached that point yet though I am just not quite ready to start buying new clothes yet, hopefully soon though…

  • Sol

    May 9, 2011 at 7:38 am

    I grew up around confident, thick women who would throw on a bathing suit and head to the beach, with or without cellulite. With or without stretch marks. With or without their flab. When I was younger I’d think to myself “What are you doing? Going out like that?” now I realize they just decided “Who care? It is now or never.” They held their heads up high and had a blast at the beach. My aunts often tell me that you need to love the body you have because no one else is gonna do it for you.

    I’m trying to embrace this way of being. It isn’t easy but I will admit that since I gave up on the dieting race? And just began to focus on feeling good? It has gotten better! Who knew?

    Oh and on the whole Stroller Snobs thing? You buying that stroller (even if was brand spanking new version) is totally not the same thing as the Stroller Snobs. YOU would never look down on another mom for not having the ‘new hotness’. I think the whole ‘Stroller Snobs’ thing was much more than simply the stroller those moms are pushing around. šŸ™‚

  • Blair@HeirtoBlair

    May 9, 2011 at 7:28 am

    Good!!!

    I agree – I’ve started buying cute clothes that FIT, rather than staring longingly at the stuff in my closet that fit 5 years ago.

    It doesn’t mean that I’m not still working to lose the weight & be healthy – but there comes a point where I accept the flaws I have today & work towards just being healthier, rather than wanting to look like a J. Crew model.

  • Kassia

    May 9, 2011 at 7:13 am

    You said it perfectly! I so agree. I limit my life and fun because of what I’m afraid others think. NO MORE! Thanks for the encouragement!

  • Teresa

    May 9, 2011 at 7:07 am

    YAY! I LOVE THIS POST!!!! I have been feeling the same way lately. My SIL lost 50 lbs and looks amazing, but when I asked her how, she said she just reduced her portions (doesn’t go back for seconds) and she runs 2 miles a DAY! That’s when I realized that that is never going to happen for me, but even if I play with my kids outside and go for walks, that’s better than nothing. Also, you are SO right about enjoying the moment, because tomorrow is promised to no one! Your post today made me feel better about my lack of commitment to exercise. Screw it all!! Amen!

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