Advice Needed for Anonymous
A blogging friend of mine has written in anonymously to ask for your advice in a situation that I can’t be of much help in. This is a difficult and sensitive post. She would like honest, constructive feedback, and I’ll let anonymous people post who have been in the same boat but don’t want to let everyone know who they are. She will comment back to any questions if you need further clarification.
ANY hateful, disparaging remarks or troll comments will be deleted. This is not a post to judge on, it’s something to be read with an open mind and a comforting heart.
I need help / advice / opinions / suggestions. If you’ve got it, I’d love to hear it.
Here’s my story:
**Names have been changed in order to remain anonymous.
I was in love with a guy, Fischer, throughout high school and university, but we only really dated for a very short while, and remained friends the other part of that time. He went to live in another country for two years and during that time we wrote to each other often. Due to the circumstances, we didn’t see each other (only wrote letters, and sent care packages and voice recordings) until he returned home after those two years.
Shortly after he left, he’d written me a letter saying he wanted to marry me, and so many letters and voice recordings that followed were full of similar “lovey-dovey” things. We weren’t officially engaged, but in our minds it was close enough.
Immediately after he returned home, we began dating again and he gave me a ring.
Six weeks after returning home, he broke up with me.
Two weeks after that, he was engaged to another woman, Sue. They were married 3 months later and now have two kids.
My current husband, William, & I started dating 3 months after Fischer broke up with me and ended up getting married 4 months later. We also have two children and are currently trying for #3.
What bugs me the most about the way mine & Fischer’s relationship ended is that he just ended it and decided it was over, no conversation about it. He actually said once when I asked him about how he could say things like “I know that I’ll always love you” or “Nothing will change the way I feel about you” or “You are an everlasting source of happiness to me”, etc, but then suddenly break up with me and he replied he that he “was wrong”. No apology. Just like an “Oops, my mistake.” Not a sincere apology at all.
I haven’t seen or spoken to either Fischer or Sue in about 3 years. However, due to the recent change regarding the nature of my work and their work, we now are required to speak to each other on the phone at least 2-3 times per week.
After my very first conversation with Fischer since 2008, I couldn’t believe he still made me feel like that: nervous, and jittery, and (worst of all) short of breath because my heart just skipped a beat. … I don’t think his voice should still have that affect on me, eh? I know it shouldn’t but I also know that it does. I don’t have any closure from that relationship at all. But there is no denying his voice still makes my heart skip a beat.
If I could choose my ideal outcome I know I would want to speak to Fischer alone, not with his wife or William there. Not because I want to have an affair or anything but because I want to talk to him with no influence of someone else watching what he says. At the absolute very least I want to have closure. But I don’t know how to do that.
And just to say that we both married someone else is proof we shouldn’t have been together?
To be completely honest, in the bottom of my heart, my untold secret to anyone (except now all of you…) is that I’d like to have another shot with Fischer. Maybe it’s not until we’re both 60 and our kids are grown, or maybe it’s not until both of our spouses pass away, but yes I’d like to have another chance to see how it could go.
It’s sort of something that I would bring up if I knew the world was going to end tomorrow, but I don’t know how or what to say to bring it up sooner than that.
Right now I am so overflowing with emotions: anger, love, pain, sadness, confusion, guilt.
I have my two beautiful children. There’s no other way I would’ve got my exact kids if I was with Fischer instead of William. And I really do feel good about trying for #3.
Yet I am so unbelievably in love with a memory, with the idea of Fischer. He’s in my dreams so often these days. I love spending time with him in my dreams. It’s like I can really hug him and feel him and look at him and hear him.
Now what? I highly doubt he’d leave his wife (& kids!) for me. I don’t know the status of his relationship at all but I feel like he wouldn’t drop out of the commitment of marriage.
But there’s no mistaking how much I want another chance with him. Obviously this can’t happen, but how I wish I could get that second chance without breaking any rules or having anyone find out or be hurt and just KNOW, just know if it is right. Cause it feels like it can’t be wrong to be with someone I love this much.
My hubby? Good babysitter. Great at dishes & bottles. Does the dirty work.
That’s not much of a marriage is it? And I’m here forever. Gosh…
This is so awful to be writing.
I don’t want to stop talking to Fischer for my work. That would be the simple solution, I think, to just either always have his wife call or see if my hubby can answer all their calls. But I don’t want to. That’s the difference. I love hearing his voice. And to have to ask someone to answer the call for me so I don’t have to speak to him will require a confession of feelings, I would assume.
Do you have any idea what I should do or if I should do nothing? What would you do if you were in my situation? Would you have already gotten “over it” by now, 4 years after our breakup? Would you say something? Would you say something but not with the intention of getting back together? How would YOU get closure?
If you have any thoughts, I’d love to hear them. Even honest, brutal ones, but preferably constructive ones.
By the way, the artist, Pink, must have been in my head when she wrote “Who Knew”. It exemplifies every.single.thing I am feeling:
You promised me you’d be around. I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me.
If someone said three years from now you’d be long gone, I’d stand up and punch them out, ‘cause they’re all wrong. I know better ‘cause you said forever and ever.
I wish I could touch you again. I wish I could still call you “friend”. I’d give anything.
And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep.