I’m in overload.
Truly. There are so many thoughts swimming around in my head from this past week I can’t even begin to sort them out.
BlogHer was both motivating and, well, depressing in some ways. There were sessions I left feel empowered and others like I’d had the wind taken put of my sails, been smacked in the face with reality, and felt embarrassed I even was sitting there. A poser.
I came away with a sense of knowing why I write but not really knowing why I blog. Does that make sense?
I don’t do giveaways often. I won’t do reviews. I’m not paid much. I don’t have killer traffic. I don’t know SEO or a lot of HTML. I have no focus on here other than my life. And? I don’t really care, but apparently all of this does matter at some point.
So what the hell am I doing?
I don’t know that either.
My only answer is to step back. Refocus. Decide if this arena for writing is where I want to be now. Or if I should focus it in ways like freelancing/short stories/etc. Because I put in a lot of time on here. I love it. But after listening to people speak, it seems like I’m doing it all wrong. Apparently I should have all (or at least some) of the things listed above and be paid.
The hard part is that I really don’t care about any of that crap because I just love to write – but from what I got, feeling like that means continuing to blog the way I do will go nowhere. And it’s an awful lot of time, effort, and passion to have nothing monetarily to show at the end of the day. It’s a lot to ask of my family and husband who support me.
I love our community. What I’ve built. But I can’t keep pouring time into something that stays still. And has no focus. Or real purpose other than to entertain.
:/ I feel guilty even writing that. But it’s true. It takes up too much of my time now to be free. For my own confidence, my work has to start to contribute to our home. And since this isn’t doing it, maybe this should be put on a back burner.
I’m not writing this for comments or hoping to hear pleas to stay, because as much as I love that I do realize the sun does not rise and set on my blog posts. :p I’m writing this because I’ve tried to always be honest on here. And I’m discouraged.
I feel like maybe this blog was a jumping point for paid work. It makes me sad to leave it behind. But I know my limits and I don’t honestly think I can juggle both and do them equally well.
And apparently I’m not doing this too well anyway.