20 Confessions

October 24, 2011

Lately I’ve felt very, very keenly how much of a box this blog has put me in. There are things that I have said on here that I feel I can’t get away from. Change my mind on. Display the opposite of.

I have always wanted this blog to be a place where anyone can stop by and think, “Oh! Me too!” And by using labels and the words “never” and “always”, I feel I’ve made that harder and harder. I’ve begun to sense the fact that people have read me for so long they know who I am in a way even I don’t.

So here we are. 20 confessions about me that I’ve been itching to say for a while. Let’s break out of the “I’m the perfect mom with the cleanest home on the block” mold I’ve tried to force myself into.

  1. I’m not going to refer to myself as an “attached parent” or practicing attachment parenting anymore. I like their method, but I parent. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I ignore my kid. Sometimes I put her in a timeout even though that’s frowned on. Most of the time I just parent the best I can.
  2. I have good and bad days here. I don’t always enjoy living in El Paso, but I choose to be happy. That might sound odd, but I do. I choose to find the good parts and the bright spots.
  3. We don’t have the perfect marriage, but it is far better than it’s ever been.
  4. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again. And I’m actually ok with it. Even though I feel like I should be sad or appalled over it.
  5. I’d have formula fed Bella if I didn’t feel incredibly guilty about the money and the fact that I could breastfeed; I just hated it. That was just about the only reason I didn’t. I feel like it’s overrated.
  6. I still dislike my body.
  7. I love how long my hair is. I need a hair treatment though. Consumers Advocate should have a good list of options.
  8. I wish I believed in myself more.
  9. I wish that every time I sat down to write I didn’t wonder what on earth I was doing.
  10. I would love to be a housewife and have nothing to worry about but a clean home and dinner and the kids.
  11. I know that I’d be unhappy after a month of it. 🙂
  12. I push myself with writing and being paid so that I can stay at home and never worry about how we can afford me to.
  13. I think about shutting down this blog all the time but I wonder how I’d decompress or sort things out if I did.
  14. We have a drain the middle of our shower and I’ve never stepped on it. Not even on accident. Because I would die. Obviously.
  15. We have a whirlpool tub that I can’t get in because there is a drain.
  16. I buy organic because I do think it’s better but also because I feel a little smug in the checkout line about it.
  17. I’m probably the most judgmental person in the world. But when I meet you, in my head I know you are. And I’m totally judging you for it. :p
  18. I’m terrified every time I hit the publish button on here.
  19. I wonder if I’ll ever feel grown up. Not just little glimpses of it.
  20. I love my life so much it feels like it’s wrong.

20 Comments

  • Jacqueline

    April 11, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I just found your blog and I love it! so please don’t stop! I’m a fellow blogger, mommy, married to a soldier. My hubby was medically retired after getting injured in iraq and I can relate with your struggles with ptsd and addiction. It’s an ugly monster and wreaks havoc on a marriage, we were separated for about 5 months and I still haven’t recovered. And over a year after having a baby I’m still not happy with my body and I’m not sure I ever was, or will be. Anyways, there are so many things I’d love to blog about to sort through but I don’t because I don’t want to say things about my family on such a public forum. Oh well. I do the best I can, and that’s the best we can hope for. I totally understand about choosing to be happy even if you are not happy with the place you’re in, I’ve been unhappy in several places trying to be happy. Thank you for your honesty =) and your blog!

  • ajira

    November 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Hahaha. zomg (what does the z stand for btw? anyone? I just type it ‘cos I like the way it sounds… I say it phonetically. Yep. Every. Time. I. Type. It.)

    I adore this post. So awesome. I’m sorta freaked out by drains. I blame the X-Files for that one. And I usually have to check the toilet before I lay my behind on it. Just in case, you know, there’s a giant creature waiting to bite off my bits. My bits are THAT tasty. For real. Ha!

  • Anne-Marie

    October 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I just found your blog, and at first I was like “Wow, she’s so amazing! Her family is so amazing!” and felt intimidated. Then I read this and nodded, giggled, signed, read the parts that made me giggle out loud to my husband so he could giggle. Now I think we could be friends. But not in a creepy way. Just in a “Diana reminds me of my best friends of college!” sort of way. You have another reader because of this post!

  • Suz @ Suz’s Treats

    October 26, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Love this list. I’m with you on the drains. Don’t even think for a minute I’m gonna walk on a sidewalk one. I’ll stop & wait & go around before I ever do. I just know that thing would give way & I’d fall into who-knows-where if I walked on one!

  • Branson

    October 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    So I know I only shut my blog down like a week ago, but it feels like an eternity and I feel kind of lost. For the exact reason you worry about… I am used to sharing, getting feedback, basically thinking aloud via blogging and now I have all this STUFF going on and no way to let it out. Maybe over time I will learn how “normal” people deal with things… Or maybe I will just start to blog again, haha. It definitely was not the relief I had hoped for.

  • story

    October 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Oh good. I thought you were perfect. <3 Screw the labels. You're a good mom, that's the only "kind" of mom, you need to be.

  • Stacy

    October 25, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I totally agree with the breast feeding comment! Sometimes I secretly wish I couldn’t because it would be SOOOOO much easier for me. But I can do it. And I feel like I owe it to her to do it if I can. So I am doing it. Even when Hank feeds her by bottle I still pump. I’m looking at it like it’s my job now since I’m not working. I love your hair too, and to echo others’ comments, I too would be sad if you shut this down. Oh, and you are capable of way more than you think. 🙂 <3

  • Sarah P.

    October 25, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Go, Diana!

    1. I so hear you. And can I also point out that Dr. Sears, the world’s loudest proponent of attachment parenting is a giant sell-out? Not a day goes by when I don’t get an email “from him” pushing some vitamin or toy that he’s slapped his name on.

    4. Wait… I’m supposed to be appalled or guilty about this? I didn’t know!

    5. / 14-15. Actually, you can only be struck instantly dead by admitting that formula is, for some, a modern lifesaving miracle. I will probably be struck dead for typing it. But you cannot, in fact, be harmed by drains.

    9. That thing about doubting yourself every time you sit down to write? That never goes away. Sorry.

  • Good Girl Gone Green

    October 25, 2011 at 8:37 am

    You are afraid of drains? That I did not know! Everyone is judgmental, it’s whether you say the stuff out loud that makes a difference!

  • Allison

    October 25, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Ha! I totally get you on pretty much all of these, but especially 10 and 11. That sequence goes through my head several times a week, like a broken record.

  • Joanna

    October 24, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Oh I hear you on the breastfeeding front. I pretty much do it because it’s easier & cheaper… not because, OMG I LOVE BREASTFEEDING SO MUCH ITS MAGICAL.

    Also I know I never want to be pregnant again. Never, ever ever. But I would have another kid if we could afford adopting.

  • Desi

    October 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I didn’t breastfeed. I didn’t even try. I know that sounds awful and I didn’t talk about it at all on my blog because I didn’t want to be judged, but thats the truth. I think I’ll try next time, because I want to and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out…so thank you for #5. I like you even more now :)…as long as you aren’t judging my comment 😉

  • Kim

    October 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    This is genius I want your brain. I adore you for this kind of honesty right here .

  • Cindy

    October 24, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    I love this and you of course <3!! You and I are much like each other on so many of these. 🙂 Thank you for sharing, I think this is a nice post!!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    October 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Nope, *I* am the most judegmebtal person in the world. But also, I would die a little inside of sadness if you stopped blogging. Please dont stop!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    October 24, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Nope, *I* am the m

  • Dana @SearsFam

    October 24, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    I love you for 14 & 15, well for so many of them. But seriously you made me snort.

  • Amber

    October 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    I relate to so many of these.

    And for the record, I would be sad if you stopped blogging 🙂

    1. Diana

      October 25, 2011 at 7:36 am

      And for the record you are my favorite. <3

      1. Mandy

        October 26, 2011 at 2:18 pm

        I thought I was your favorite, lol. Love your blog and love you too.

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