20 Confessions

Lately I’ve felt very, very keenly how much of a box this blog has put me in. There are things that I have said on here that I feel I can’t get away from. Change my mind on. Display the opposite of.

I have always wanted this blog to be a place where anyone can stop by and think, “Oh! Me too!” And by using labels and the words “never” and “always”, I feel I’ve made that harder and harder. I’ve begun to sense the fact that people have read me for so long they know who I am in a way even I don’t.

So here we are. 20 confessions about me that I’ve been itching to say for a while. Let’s break out of the “I’m the perfect mom with the cleanest home on the block” mold I’ve tried to force myself into.

1. I’m not going to refer to myself as an “attached parent” or practicing attachment parenting anymore. I like their method, but I parent. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I ignore my kid. Sometimes I put her in a timeout even though that’s frowned on. Most of the time I just parent the best I can.
2. I have good and bad days here. I don’t always enjoy living in El Paso, but I choose to be happy. That might sound odd, but I do. I choose to find the good parts and the bright spots.
3. We don’t have the perfect marriage, but it is far better than it’s ever been.
4. I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant again. And I’m actually ok with it. Even though I feel like I should be sad or appalled over it.
5. I’d have formula fed Bella if I didn’t feel incredibly guilty about the money and the fact that I could breastfeed; I just hated it. That was just about the only reason I didn’t. I feel like it’s overrated.
6. I still dislike my body.
7. I love how long my hair is. I need a hair treatment though. Consumers Advocate should have a good list of options.
8. I wish I believed in myself more.
9. I wish that every time I sat down to write I didn’t wonder what on earth I was doing.
10. I would love to be a housewife and have nothing to worry about but a clean home and dinner and the kids.
11. I know that I’d be unhappy after a month of it. 🙂
12. I push myself with writing and being paid so that I can stay at home and never worry about how we can afford me to.
13. I think about shutting down this blog all the time but I wonder how I’d decompress or sort things out if I did.
14. We have a drain the middle of our shower and I’ve never stepped on it. Not even on accident. Because I would die. Obviously.
15. We have a whirlpool tub that I can’t get in because there is a drain.
16. I buy organic because I do think it’s better but also because I feel a little smug in the checkout line about it.
17. I’m probably the most judgmental person in the world. But when I meet you, in my head I know you are. And I’m totally judging you for it. :p
18. I’m terrified every time I hit the publish button on here.
19. I wonder if I’ll ever feel grown up. Not just little glimpses of it.
20. I love my life so much it feels like it’s wrong.