I’ve had a tough time writing on here lately. Really writing. I feel like everyone I know is listening and reading. Which is and isn’t true. Many people I know don’t read this. Many people do.
I am so keenly aware of it though that it’s beginning to hold me back from what I write about. And I hate that.
I have a few things I want to write and I feel if I did I’d hurt someone’s feelings. It’s nothing personal, but it does intertwine with things others are going through or have said. It could easily be taken as personal.
So I don’t write it.
This bothers me.
Then there is the fact that my writing feels judged at times. I wonder if you click over and read thinking, “Another overly dramatic story by Diana.” There is no way of me knowing this, it could be all in my head. But it’s there – nagging away at me as I have a story to share.
It’s my blog. But in a way, it’s also so tied up in the emotions and lives of the others I know, read, talk to. Something that happens to someone spurs a thought in me and I want to write it down. It’s nothing to do with just them, it’s my reaction to a situation or a feeling. If I write it, will it come across that way – impersonal and really only dealing with me?
Take pregnancy. Probably 1/2 of the women I know under 40 are pregnant or just gave birth. I’m not joking. My Facebook feed is filled with pregnancies. And this makes me happy. For them.
And this is what I would love to elaborate on but can’t for fear of offense – I’m happy I’m not. Of course there are moments of, “Oh, a baby!” But those quickly pass. I just don’t have that drive to have another child – or enough of it to push past all the what-if’s and life changes I’m not ready for. And don’t want. It has nothing to do with anyone but me (and Sam) but it feels so…wrong to say.
Or the fact that I’m really content in life right now. That I’m excited about where things are going. But if I write on that, will I come off as vain? Condescending? Tooting my own horn?
Maybe writing on that I live in fear of something crashing down to ruin all of this. After all, things in my life/marriage/friendships rarely stay on an even keel. Why should I be so lucky? Why do I deserve long term happiness? Does that even exist?
So many thoughts of mine. I often wonder what you all think when you read over here.
I guess if I knew that answer I might never post again. :p Somehow I have to figure out, yet again, to put aside the “What if this makes them mad/hurts their feelings/etc?” and just write.
Looking back over this, I think I may have just done that.