Saw the therapist yesterday.
I have anxiety. Big time.
I also have PTSD. Which I didn’t believe because I’ve never been in a war, saw someone die, get shot, etc. But the therapist said that because the past 6 years in our home have been so traumatic in many ways, and we’ve just moved on to the next big deal each time, it’s built up. Till things trigger me and I can’t get past them. I react the same way over and over.
Sam used to compliment me when he wanted to drink that night without me nagging.
So now a compliment sends me into ultra suspicious mode.
Our home caught on fire a few years ago and someone pounded on our door and screamed till we woke up.
So now I’m terrified that I’ll wake up to someone pounding on the door again.
We got in a car accident a few months ago.
I can’t let Sam drive without freaking out each time someone swerves towards us.
Today Bella threw up a little. Milk.
It smelled so much like breast milk that it triggered all the reflux and hospital memories.
Sam being gone sets off all the years he was and I didn’t know what was going on. The time I answered the door when he was in Iraq after hearing two people on my porch say, “Then we’ll pray with her.” They were dressed in black and I didn’t have my contacts in – I honestly thought I was going to be a widow at 20 years old.
They were Jehovah’s witnesses and I fell apart in the doorway. They had to put me on the couch and stay with me for a while.
Guess what happens when the doorbell rings and Sam isn’t home?
I’ve managed to stuff all this and more down these past years. Now with considering having more kids, it brings up the thought of being sick again or going into preterm labor at 30 weeks – 90% effaced. And no one knew why.
I keep waiting for everything to fall apart again because for so long it has. Every so often life would become a giant mess that Diana would scramble around to keep together and all in one piece.
I don’t know if I trust it not to happen again.
The therapist gave me things to work on. Positive thoughts. Yoga. Walking. Pressure points. He isn’t licensed to give meds and it was a relief. He’ll recommend me out if he determines I need them, but for now I’d like to see if I can do this without.
I understand that everyone has stress. Everyone deals with big things. But I don’t know if I have the tools to deal with it the right way.
I want this to be the post I usually do after a sad one where I feel the need to be like, “OMG SUNSHINE AND FINGER PAINTING AND A HOT CUP OF TEA AND ALL BETTER! YAY!”
But it’s not. It won’t be for a while.
And I can’t have caffeine. Not until this is under control, he said.
Which makes me kinda anxious.
Sam was supposed to be home tonight but won’t till Sunday.
I had a panic attack today thinking about something coming up. I did yoga to take my mind off it but I was at the point where I almost had to put myself to bed.
I effing hate feeling like this.