I’m still me.

November 20, 2011

Just because I found out what on earth has been going on doesn’t mean anything became different.

So weird. I expected to wake up feeling… new. Better. Worse.

But unlike PPD or immediate PTSD, this is something I’ve lived with, well, my entire life I guess. My whole family struggles with anxiety, and the therapist says it’s a gene.

And of course, I’ve got it. It’s become more prevalent these past few months since I haven’t dealt with anything.

As for the PTSD, that’s accumulated over the years.

But I’m still me. I still have good days and rough ones, just now I know more why the rough ones happen. I understand that when I almost lose myself while wrapped up in a thought that spirals out of control until I’m so angry, terrified, or can’t hardly breathe – that it’s a panic attack. Not just me being a massive freak. Well, yes that too, but also panic attack. :p

I also know those are the times I pick fights with Sam. Every time. With him gone these past few days and no way to contact him I’ve had to learn how to control the way I feel a lot more. And how else to diffuse the bomb I’ve set off inside my mind.

I cook. I turn on music. I pray. Hard. I take deep breaths. I get on my Tony Little Gazelle and air walk my buns off.

Gosh I love that thing.

Nothing is really different with me. I take Bella out, we do crafts, head over to friends homes. I laugh and cry over reruns of The Biggest Loser (I don’t like Anna in place of Jillian). It’s just now, I have a name to put on my feelings. My fears. It’s easier to handle because I can start to pull myself out of it (slowly) and work on getting past the anxiety.

So this wasn’t sudden. I didn’t wake up a mess one day, I began to put the warning signs together until one day I thought, “This isn’t normal anymore.” And then got help.

So aren’t you lucky – you still get to read about the same old Diana.

I guess this blog was aptly named after all.

7 Comments

  • Jacquelyn

    November 24, 2011 at 11:32 am

    I relate to so much of what you blog. Just want to say thank you for sharing. You help me and inspire in every post.

  • Crystal

    November 21, 2011 at 8:22 am

    You know…my oldest son I think has some kind of panic/anxiety issues whenever his dad has to leave for military stuff. He’s been affected every since the first 15 month deployment. I wonder if I should have him talk to a therapist. The way you explain it sounds eerily similar to how he tries to tell me he is feeling…

  • Anne-Marie

    November 20, 2011 at 10:35 am

    You’ve got exactly the right perspective! And by “right” I mean the outlook that has kept me going through all the anxiety and the rare depression. If I don’t see my anxiety as part of the way my life goes, like if I had diabetes and needed insulin, then it takes over, I feel hopeless and end up with depression. I would MUCH rather feel anxious than depressed, any day. I can’t believe all the things you are doing that therapists have told me are clinically proven to help–keeping busy, exercising, going out, doing things with your hands. (I knit an entire sweater while I was receiving inpatient treatment–in a week!) I’ll be your cheerleader. Go Diana! You can do this!

    I don’t know if you had the time or inclination to read my other comment, but it bears repeating: a diagnosis just describes what you were already feeling in the first place. It didn’t take a genius to name “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”–I feel anxious. In general. WHAT a revelation! Changes nothing. Which means that I still get to be me!

  • Cindy

    November 20, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Lucky to call you a friend, keep doing what you know you need in your heart, for you, for Bella and Sam. In the end, that is all that matters, not this blog, not other opinions. Love you <3

  • Kim

    November 20, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Yes, lucky indeed. 🙂 love and hugs to you always

  • Amber

    November 20, 2011 at 9:30 am

    I know exactly what you mean. I wanted the change to be immediate. I may have cried when I thought about how hard it was going to be. But now its ok. I do my best. And I take my meds. I just keep going and when I have a good moment I really live in it.

  • Teresa

    November 20, 2011 at 8:13 am

    I keep myself busy too. When I give in to the sadness, I feel so lost. Exercise, crochet, and the fact that I have kids to feed, clean, and love, keep me slightly sane…

    I am glad I am not alone. You described how I feel.

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