Behind

February 8, 2012

Lately I’ve felt really behind on everything.

Writing.

Cleaning.

Cooking.

Bella.

Myself.

Life.

It’s a tough spot, mentally, for me. I have a hard time accepting things can be let go for a while and the world won’t fall apart. There is an ever nagging fear inside of me that if I don’t make sure it’s all held together all the time – once it slides away I won’t be able to get it back again.

Like, “OMG IF I LET THE DISHES GO TONIGHT I WILL NEVER.DO.THEM.AGAIN.”

So. Yes. A bit irrational.

It’s rough being sick (the Zofran helps tremendously but I still have hard days) and not being able to do at the level I was doing. I get tired really easily. If I don’t catch a short nap when Bella naps I pass out on the couch at 9pm. Sam is a huge help but with 12 hour days there isn’t a whole lot he can do on the weekdays. Bella is 2. So there’s that. lol.

But the hardest parts right now are the lack of energy I have with Bella, and not being able to cook. Those bother me. I know it won’t be forever, hopefully by second tri things will change, but for now I’ll just wallow in my own, irrational guilt about it. :p

Cooking used to be what I did to unwind at the end of the day. Bella would play and I would zone out into prep and measuring and it was just a great way to finish things up. Now I can hardly bear to open the fridge. Any time of day. Dinner is a dreaded event. Leftovers make me want to hurl. Anything left sitting out makes me gag. And cleaning it up?

Ugh.

We don’t have the money to eat out all the time, or for a housekeeper, or anything like that. So it’s just up to me – and I really don’t want to do it as much as I did. But some of it does have to be done, regardless of how tired I am. We have to eat. I have to do laundry. Bills need to be paid. The dishes have to be put away.

When people (trying to be helpful) tell me to “Just let it go!” I often wonder who on earth they think will come in and take care of it all? What will we eat, wear, or do if I just let it go?

I know it will get easier as I get into a new routine. That this will take time for me to feel comfortable again, just like when the baby is here and it starts all over. I just wish I didn’t put such a trip on myself every day as I try to let go a little. Focus on Bella and just the basic needs and not let the rest get to me so much.

17 Comments

  • Daneilia

    February 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Ugh, I know how you feel. Maybe not the being pregnant part, which you know why…lol. Yay for basic training haha. Anyways, as OCD personality types as we are. Everything has to be in order, everything has to be done a certain way, everything needs to be done. It is really difficult to “let it go”. I’m having a hard time leaving everything with Michael to deal with when I leave for training. I trust him, I just still wish I was the one who would be doing certain things. But obviously because of the situation my lack of physically being here makes it impossible :/

    I know at least for me, I just have to “believe” things will work out the way that they should. I know you’ll get there too Mama. You can be strong as you conquer all of this.

  • Cindy

    February 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    You are doing a good job, sometimes just making it through the day is enough. I was sick up until now, so I kinda understand. I could not do the leftovers either! Sometimes I just wanted oatmeal like everyday. Crock pot it… I had a worse time in the afternoon so this worked. I let my house go and put what energy I did have into my husband and Bailey. I would clean when I could and well we made it through kind of somewhat some way. You will also <3 I know we are used to running on this non-stop battery and when it fails it is catastrophic! Hang in there, you are growing a human, and taking car of a family. Easy and slow steps! Love ya!

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

      ((hugs)) Thank you so much for the encouragement! This was a special note to read.

  • Janelle

    February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    PB&J + baby carrots&hummus + a banana. protein, fat, carbs, veggies…easy…cheap….the perfect dinner 4+ night/week!

    Alternate w/grilled cheese + tomato soup, throw in the occasional cold cereal or scrambled eggs + veggies, and you have my first trimester menu when I had a toddler at home. And we all lived to tell the story!

    The first trimester is so darn hard. You’ll make it, really!

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      Last night after reading this I made grilled cheese and tomato soup. And I could eat it. <3

  • Susannah

    February 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Girl I hear ya! I’m the same way and get so worried about getting it all done too. Lol on the just let it go! Do they have help or fairies that do the work? 😉

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm

      I want a cleaning fairy. One specifically for toilets and bathtubs.

      Man. I would kill for someone who came in to do just that.

  • Kim

    February 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Well, I think you’re doing great 🙂 I won’t tell you to let it go, but I will tell you to give yourself some credit. You ARE working hard at everything AND growing a baby. It’s hard work, growing a human.

  • Anne-Marie

    February 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I wish I could bring Baby, visit, do some laundry, help Bella learn how to be gentle with a newborn and play with her while you cuddled Baby (if you felt like it) would probably sleep the whole time. I might be able to bring myself to grocery shop (I live in terror of grocery stores–and the dishes, actually–and it’s all irrational) if I were shopping for you. As it is, I can only send my love. You can have that in buckets!

    And, to anyone who does live near Diana: HINT HINT.

  • Tonya

    February 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    I hear ya on everything. I am 6 weeks and 3 days along with baby #2. I am so lucky not to be as sick as you – but I’m definitely just tired and exhausted. I have a 3 year old and a business to run. My house looks like the dump 🙂 I’m doing the basics – like feeding my daughter, doing the laundry, getting her to preschool, and doing my basic duties at work. But we’ve resorted to paper plates at home and I’m not really cooking for myself or my DH. I just make little meals for my daughter and let my DH fend for himself. I basically am not eating much.

    It is really, really hard. But it’s going to get better. And then those little babies will get here and it will be really, really hard again… and then one day it won’t be anymore and we’ll miss our toddlers 🙂 Ahhh such is life 🙂

    Tonya

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm

      I keep thinking of that too – these past 2 years with Bella have FLOWN by and I honestly thought there were days that would never end. I have to remember it all does end and I certainly want to look back and know I enjoyed the moments as much as I could.

  • Autumn

    February 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Oh I so hear you on all of this! I try so hard not to throw up when I am cooking food for Kiley, and then when she ungratefully throws it on the floor I just want to cry.

    Being pregnant the first time with only myself to look after was so much easier! And I am so tired too. I have had to resort to taking catnaps on the floor of Kileys room while she reads a book or plays with some toys on her own. Even if I only fall asleep for 30 seconds at a time it makes a huge difference. I hate doing it, but when you are so sick and sooooo tired, you just have to manage any way you can 🙂

    Ironically, the person that is telling me to “just let it go” is my dear husband. I know he means well, but it makes me so mad! Exactly because of what you just said, so what are we gonna eat, who is gonna wash the dishes, who is gonna pay the bills? If he would offer to take over some things for me, then it would make a difference, but telling me to ignore things that just plain have to get done does not help.

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

      I can see Devin saying this lol. 🙂 Sam means well too. He’s just – lost. I think when I’m gone for 4 days in a couple weeks it will hit him just how much simply *has* to be done – whether we want to or not. Some things aren’t an option. Like food. And clean toilets.

  • Katie

    February 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    I’ve been lurking, but haven’t commented until today. I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I won’t tell you to just let it go because if you’re like me you just can’t. I found too that after my second was born, all of that got even worse… but then it got better again. Just ride that wave and try to grab onto whatever driftwood happens to float by in the rapids.

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

      I’m glad you commented. 🙂 It’s nice to know someone else is in or has been in the same boat – and there’s a light ahead. It’s hard to be so in a routine and have it shaken up like this, but I figure I better get used to it.

  • Caitlin MidAtlantic

    February 8, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Food was the hardest part of the first half of this second pregnancy. It’s where I realized that being pregnant the first time was so much easier – just because I really only had myself to take care of. Nate could deal with another night of frozen pizza the first time, whereas I couldn’t bring myself to force frozen pizza on Laura every single night. She needed real food. It was so hard, and I honestly can’t remember how I got her fed (and bathed and clothed) every single day. It was hard!

    I’m past the feeling sick part of things now, so we are back to menu planning and organization. BUT now of course I’m starting to slow down in other ways. I’ll cook dinner, but I’ll be out of breath the whole time!

    1. Diana

      February 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

      That’s the part that kills me – fixing her meals. I just can’t come up with anything because it all looks/smells so nasty. I’ve resorted to leftovers, Annies Mac and Cheese, and frozen toddler meals in a pinch.

      :/ I can’t wait till this passes.

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