I see pride. I see power.

March 28, 2012

I loved Cool Runnings.

I’d say 75% of the time I am thinking of the what if’s and the unknowns to come. Still trying to wrap my head around having two babies here at one time. I can’t. There is a point where my thoughts simply can’t go any further – like if you imagine eternity and it blacks out and overloads your brain. That’s how twins is for me.

And with this, it’s hard to write about my actual feelings. There was SO much I wanted to change with how I handled another baby this time around. Another pregnancy. As excited and thankful and grateful as I am for my babies, there is a part of me that wrestles with the sadness of a new normal when I didn’t even manage to get the old one right most of the time. There is a constant nagging of all my expectations being changed and altered and in many people’s eyes – I will fail. It might not matter to some, you might think I should just get over it. But those are my feelings and it’s real to me.

It matters to me. I wanted my version of perfect.

Like I wrote about in another post, it’s hard for me to let some of it go. To see the articles and comments that blatantly critique and poke fun of things I know I may have to do. I can rationalize in my head that some of this is hype – and a lot of it has to do with an extreme type of parenting many want to educate others not to do.

Which I get and support. No child should be left for hours in a crib to cry. Bonding is wonderful if you can do it right after birth. Etc. But it’s still hard to read the extremes and then tell myself most children who are simply loved and cared for grow up just fine – regardless of how long their umbilical cord was left attached. I have great respect for moms who simply push these things to the side and do what works for them.

I know that as things go along, the words of well meaning people who are convinced they needed to push their beliefs off on everyone will haunt me. I will sit and do my very best with my babies as their voices (and my own) ring in my head about all the things I’ve done wrong, how my children (statistically) might not live up to others because I had two and had to make totally different choices than they did.

And this pisses me the hell off.

I want to know I’m doing the best I can. Then and now. I want to be confident in my decisions about my children – but it’s hard when I know people out there pity me or them. Or are out to watch me have to eat my words and change my mind.

When I feel like this, I remember I can do this. I will do this. I will not have a perfect pregnancy, birth, or even first few years. It will never be perfect, and I won’t let it be because pretending nothing ever went wrong is messed up. You’ll come on here and see me stumble and fall and cry and be a big baby over things – while holding down the fort with three under 3, and doing my damnedest to make sure my kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don’t have any.other.choice.

Hopefully you’ll see a woman like the ones I admire, who are able to let the snide comments and smugness roll off their thick skins because they know how they parent is best for their family. You’ll see my kids beat all the odds everyone jumps through hoops to make – because it’s love above anything else that shapes a child. I believe that.

You’ll see me grow and change and turn to God when I am desperate. You’ll see a woman who struggled through things she never imagined just to make sure her kids lived.

You’ll see a badass mother of 3 who don’t take no crap off of nobody. That’s who you’ll see.


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  • megan

    April 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    My sister in law two little girls then twins in three years. Now she will have six in seven years….I encourage you to read her little book: Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic. It will bless you, I promise. It is real and she doesn’t put any gloss over it, just grace.
    Meg, mama of six!

  • grace

    March 31, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    You can do it!!!!! You will do it. With God’s help, you can and will do it. xo

  • Marina

    March 31, 2012 at 11:21 am

    First off I would like to say awesome blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing. I’ve had a difficult time clearing my thoughts in getting my ideas out there. I do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or hints? Many thanks!

  • Kim

    March 30, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I think you are going to do this exactly how YOU want to, in the moment it is right for you. You’ll pick your battles, plan your attack and do what works for YOU. You’re a strong, intelligent, brave woman, Diana.

  • Stacy

    March 29, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Diana, you are a strong woman and I know that you’ll do great. Everything may not turn out the way you want but you are a great mother and it will be okay. You’re doing your best which is all any of us can ask of one another.

  • Nikki

    March 29, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Dude, I’m so right there with you. There are so many things I tell myself I’m going to do differently with this next baby because I didn’t do it with Henry and it caused him to (fill in the blank) and made me go crazy. But the truth is, I probably won’t. I’ll raise this baby just as I did Henry because that’s how I want my babies to be raised and I’ll just hope that this one chooses to sleep, eat, hold down food, etc and not make me crazy 😉

  • Melissa F.

    March 29, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Look. Perfect moms with perfect kids and perfect lives are LIARS. Or illusionists. No one has the answers for you and your family. Do your best. Love your kids. You are a rock star! 🙂 i have been a blog reader for awhile now and i really relate to you. I love that you tell it how it is. I get it..I am a mom….motherhood is too challenging to judge each other.

  • Jenny

    March 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Just wait till someone tells you they’d kill themselves if they were you. It’s … warm and squishy. Like a shitty diaper right to the face, I mean.

    The good news is you’ll more likely than not give birth to a new, thick skin when you have your babies. You’ll know at your core that what you do is what you love and you love what you do – bully to anyone who questions the how and why behind that love.

    Too bad that thick skin doesn’t cover self loathing and the evil Mom Guilt.

    You can’t win it all, right? 😉

  • Lizz

    March 28, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Right on! I just love your blog!

  • Madonna

    March 28, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Every mother feels judged… most people do not have a public blog where comments that may sting can be left. In writing. And re-read. The rest of us just have a mother or a mother-in-law who state things that sting.

    But you know what, they are not the parents. You and Sam are the parents. They are most likely covering their own insecurtities. You are making decisions that work for your family. And because you will have twins, you may have to let a few more things roll with the punches just because. But they will be LOVED.

    Let the dictionary term of perfection go by the wayside. Perfection is what works for your family. Perfection is how darn cute your kids will be. Perfection is the hugs at night before bed time. Read the books and then incorporate what you want and feel comfortable with. They are there for a reference, not a set of rules to follow.

    The only thing a child needs (besides the obvious of nourishment and a clean diaper) is LOVE. And you have plenty of that to give!!

  • Alena

    March 28, 2012 at 8:47 am

    The comments make my heart happy. I love you and I am here for you. You know why you’ll rock at this, because you have no choice. (And I mean how many times can we say that to each other?? lol)

  • Kendra

    March 28, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I appreciate your vulnerability and you are very much a woman and a mother that so many look up to and admire. Myself included. 🙂 The quote below pretty much sums it all up for me…

    “I am your mother, the first mile of your road. Me and all my obvious and hidden limitations. That means that in addition to possibly wrecking you, I have the chance to give to you what was given to me: a decent childhood, more good memories than bad, some values, a sense of tribe, a run at happiness. You can’t imagine how seriously I take that – even as I fail you. Mothering you is the first thing of consequence that I have ever done.”
    — Kelly Corrigan (Lift)

  • molly

    March 28, 2012 at 8:17 am

    I have trouble thinking of who would ever fault a mother of multiples for ANY choices they make. The choices we all make are PERSONAL and what we think are the best choices for our family (big or small).

    I can’t wait to take this journey with you. I am far less concerned about how you’ll choose to raise them and much more interested in their cute little faces 🙂

    You’re going to do a great job! You’re such a good mama, Diana. Hold your chin up high!

  • Tonya

    March 28, 2012 at 8:10 am


    You’re going to do great. Forget the “ideal” – quit reading the baby books. You’ll know what to do when they get here. 🙂

    With my daughter I pretty much spent 2 years agonizing over the fact that I had to have a c-section and didn’t have a “perfect birth experience.” Then I agonized because my child was collicky and cried – no joke – all.the.time. All the time. It was crazy. I felt like the worst parent in the world. Then I agonized because the only way I could get her to sleep was by co-sleeping, which people are super judgemental about. Then I agonized because she wanted to nurse until she was two, which people are also super judgemental about.

    Then one day I realized that my kid is her own unique self and that there isn’t a parenting book around that is going to tell me exactly what she needs or how to do it right. And I truly believe that God picked me to be her Mommy because he knew we’d be a perfect match. And the way I did it and the way I’ll continue to do it… is perfect.

    So with this next baby – I will be more relaxed. If we co-sleep, we co-sleep. If this baby happens to be one of those miracle babies that sleeps by itself…. we’ll do that. If he/she nurses 4 months or 40 months… I don’t care I’m just going to do whatever it takes every day.

    Oh yeah – ps – I also used to agonize because we own a business and I work a ton of hours and I often bring my daughter with… or I have to get her to sleep and sneak away at night and work while she sleeps…. or…. whatever. When she was 3 days old I drug her into the office so I could run payroll. At the end of the day – it’s all good.

    And – I truly believe that God willl place 2 little babies into your life that are perfectly suited for what you can handle and what you can accomplish every day. It’s going to be great 🙂


  • Katie

    March 28, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Go easier on yourself! Changing your expectations is okay…and it helps to have ~9 months to do the adjusting 🙂

  • Anne-Marie

    March 28, 2012 at 8:00 am

    The statistics can go to hell. My parents screwed up every which way (although I suppose the earliest years were good… such a complicated story) and I still killed it on my tests, my grades, got a fancy diploma in latin from a fancy college, etc. I mean, sure, I’m in therapy twice a week and need not one but two anti-anxiety drugs, but who’s to say that my parents are to blame? Genetics? Who knows.

    Nobody knows. Because if somebody knew how to do this, there would be a book, and we would all have it and follow it and never fight about any of this stuff. It’s all controlled chaos and everyone doing their best–even if this or that blog might make this or that family seem perfect. It’s UNpossible.

    And wouldn’t you rather have be a Badass Mama your kids can learn from instead of a Perfect Mama they can’t live up to?

  • Lisa

    March 28, 2012 at 7:58 am

    You can do this!! Bella, Bo and Go are lucky to have you as their mama! You love them and that is all that really matters, not what other people think of your choosen parenting path. Go where God leads you when you call out for help and you won’t regret it in the end.

  • melissa

    March 28, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Change is scary. Period. I was terrified with just ONE baby on the way with an almost 2 year old running around. But its so wonderful now! Your normal is going to be the fun kind of craziness that comes with a larger family. Think how awesome it will be when they play together? Future thanksgivings and Christmas’ when they bring THEIR kids over and you have a huge houseful? You are growing YOUR family. And that is a wonderful thing. There will be hard times and learning curves and major adjustments, but you will do it!

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    March 28, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Screw other people’s version of perfection Diana. We all need to readjust and realize that perfection to you doesn’t mean perfection to me, and that’s ok. Every parent has to decide what’s best for their own kids and forget all the parenting bullies and sanctimonious jerks out there who push their way just to make themselves feel better about their choices.

    You are an awesome Mama and will continue to be for all the love you have for Bella and that you already have for your twins. I can’t WAIT to see the bad-ass parent you become of 3 under 3. After all, God only gives us what we can handle, right? 😉

  • Diane @ DixieJulep

    March 28, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Any mom who claims to be perfect isn’t perfect…just a good liar!

    We all have our good days, our bad days and the days we worry we’re screwing everything up. But you just have to keep going and do what’s best for you and your family. Best of luck! 🙂

  • Tiffany @MomNom

    March 28, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I get this. But, it all boils down to what happens among you, the three kids and your husband. If you know in your heart you’re doing your best. Your kids are happy. Your family is happy. That is ALL that matters. You’re a loving mommy, with a support system as wide as the Atlantic, here and IRL. Rock it. Own it.

  • Kelli

    March 28, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Oh Diana, I just love your posts. They remind me so much of what I was going through this time last year. I remember feeling the same insecurities, the same frustrations. Be proud that you’ve arrived at this feeling of badassness so soon. It took me til the twins were 6 months old to arrive at the fact that I’m doing the best I can – and that’s enough for my family. But I have no doubt that I would have been happier and would have been able to do it all better if I’d felt like a badass, so you’re gonna rock it girl.

    Oh and EXACTLY what Beth Anne said.

  • Beth Anne

    March 28, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Just remember – all that “perfection” is just bravado to cover insecurities. You’ve got this. ::fist bump::

  • Jen

    March 28, 2012 at 6:49 am

    You can do this and you will be amazing at it just like everything else. Sure it will be tough, it wouldn’t be worth it if it wasn’t. Just keep doing what you do, your kids will be loved and blessed because of you and Sam. (and Each other) don’t try to be perfect, no one will ever be perfect. Just do what you can, and what you love, and screw everyone else and their snide comments, they are just jealouse you can pull it all together with honesty at the end of the day!

  • Caitlin MidAtlantic

    March 28, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Is any mom ever perfect? I haven’t met one yet! And while there are thousands of opinions on how to be a “perfect mom,” they are all just opinions. And there are that many opinions, because there are that many ways to try to be perfect. You have to find YOUR perfect – not someone else’s. In the very end, loving your children is the only sort of perfect there is. I know you’ll do that with a wonderful passion, so nothing else matters. You’ll do great!

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife

    March 28, 2012 at 6:41 am

    No one is a perfect parent, has a perfect pregnancy, or a perfect birth. There is always going to be something that goes even the slightest bit off course for everyone.

    It’s so hard to be happy and content with your decisions when you have someone spouting off some obscure tidbit from some obscure study that says your kid will fail at life if you don’t do X, Y, and Z during pregnancy/labor/birth/etc. I say “forget it!” Do what makes you and those babies the most comfortable, happiest, and safest

  • Kim

    March 28, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I think all of the things you are feeling are so totally normal. And you are STRONG. You’re right, it’s so hard to take the pressure of needing to be “perfect” and feeling bad if you fall short — even though you’re just doing what’s best for you, your baby, and your family.

    Your twins are going to be perfect. And they’re being born to an incredible mama who’s doing and going to do everything that she can for them. You’re going to be amazing. 🙂

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