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Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

May 3, 2012

Julian Toby and Preston William were born this morning.

Julian passed away a few minutes after being born. Sam and I got to be with Preston for nearly 2 hours before he went to be with Jesus.

My heart is broken. I honestly feel like I can’t breathe most of the time, the pain is so intense. We are dealing with every moment bringing a fresh wave of pain, each realization of what the future holds and now doesn’t hold makes me sob.

I will never hold my sons. I will never see them grow. They will never wear the clothes we had for them at home. I will never get to see them interact with Bella. Sam will never be able to take them fishing. I can’t kiss or hold them ever again. We will go home in a few hours empty handed, with my stomach still feeling as if they are in there. Waiting to meet us.

My shower date will now be their funeral. We will always and forever have them but we won’t. And my heart aches for my sons. My little boys.

They were human. They were perfect. They had tiny fingernails and toes, Preston made faces and grabbed my finger. He hung in there as long as he could.

We are so proud. So proud to have been their parents, to have the honor of having them in our lives on earth for 19 weeks and 4 days. They will never be forgotten. They are loved and were told that. They are now together with Jesus, safe in His arms away from any pain being in me might have eventually caused. This is what I cling to. They are free. I never have to worry again that our decision to hold on to the end caused them any pain.

One day we will see them again. I told them that. I will see them again, I will hold them in my arms and rock them in the way I couldn’t here. They changed our lives forever and we are so very proud to have had these weeks with them. It was worth it. Every moment. Had I known when we started this journey in November what it would have brought, I’d have done it all over again. Nothing can change that they were mine for a time.

And we did it just the way we wanted. They went home to heaven when God was ready for them, and with this knowledge we have great comfort.

But oh, oh how my heart aches for the two perfect sons I never got to put to bed or read a story to. My arms are empty as I go home and try to find a new way with such a huge hole in our family.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers in this time. I may not be able to respond but when Sam and I are alone, we read them and they give us a strength we didn’t know we had.

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