Today I’ve thought a lot about how these four fit together as I stumble my way hour by hour to a life thrust on me I never wanted. A mother of two angel sons.
I hesitated posting what I did yesterday because I didn’t want to be a disappointment to anyone, or to come across as a hypocrite to words I’d said earlier. But one email today reminded me so much of how my feelings needed to be said. All of them. In order to heal.
I can have faith in God, know that he has plans for me far greater than I could ever imagine, believe my children are with him, and say it all on here – and still be angry. And that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with asking why or being angry when these thing happen to us. God can handle my feelings. When Lazarus died and Mary and Martha were upset, Jesus wept with them and asked why. He didn’t quote the old standard, “God has a reason, you have to have faith” to them. He wept with them.
This comforts me in two ways. One that He acknowledged their anger and pain, but also that he didn’t dismiss it as “the hysterical woman.” Which we all know I’ve had my fair share of lately.
I come on here to share my heart and to find solace in my own words. I have no idea why. I don’t think I have such an eloquent voice that I simply need to be heard so everyone can delight in it 😉 but it brings me great comfort to pour out my pain and sorrow and joys and hopes here.
The thing is – so many want to brush off women’s pain as something to do with that time of the month, hormones, pregnancy, mama bear, etc. But God made us in a different way than most men in this process. While we all grieve differently, it’s hard to grieve and let the words flow knowing that someone is going to try to diagnose or compartmentalize the way you feel. It isn’t done maliciously, I don’t believe people come on here to “get me” but simply to help, but we have to stop doing this to each other. As Chrisians we so often feel anger is wrong or a loss of faith in God. Mine is neither. I lost my sons and pregnancy and hopes and dreams for it all less than 72 hours ago.
I have a right to be in pain and grieve and be angry – as a woman and as a Christian. I have a right to question God and to come on here and be honest while still believing that He holds my sons and my grief in his hands. I can still ask why and read my Bible, I can pull all my maternity clothes off the hangers while I sob and then hold my little girl in my arms to gather strength with what I still have in front of me.
It makes me a mother, a human, a woman dealing with a profound loss in a way that God designed me to. It makes me a Christian woman challenged to the very core of my faith. This is my journey. I’m walking it the way I was created.