Saying Goodbye.

June 14, 2012

I dreaded this day. Tuesday. June 12th.

It was the day of my baby shower.

Instead it became Preston and Julian’s memorial service.

And I dreaded it.

Only it ended up being a meaningful, wonderful day. I spoke at it, I don’t recall much of what I said but I tried to reiterate my “When God Says No” post. And to try to explain that no matter what the state or government says about them, they were alive. I saw it, I held them. They lived. Paperwork to prove it or not. 20 weeks or not.

My dad officiated the service. My family and friends came. People I hadn’t seen in years. One I’d never met but had friended online 3 years ago. (Hi Melissa again!) They laughed and cried and shared with me. It was the most amazing day.

And yet.

I wish it would have never happened. I wish I had gotten my shower. That they would have all shown up with me nearly 26 weeks pregnant and glowing.

But this is about learning to accept and to move on with a new life, one they changed forever.

So until I see them again, we remember their tiny lives in a way only humans are able to.

24 Comments

  • Katherine Stone

    June 16, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I’m so sorry Diana. That’s all I can say. Looking forward to the time when I can give you a hug in person.

  • Jen

    June 15, 2012 at 7:53 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. One of my identical boys died when he was 3 weeks old. I know how hard your road is right now, I think. I got a tattoo of his actual little footprints on my shoulder and I love it.

  • Katie McAleece

    June 15, 2012 at 5:28 am

    You’re doing great. You’re doing so well.

    When my Dad died, no words really helped, but a little encouragement went a long way- so I will say to you, you’re doing really, really well. You’re a strong lady. Even when you don’t feel like you are!

    You’re making your babies, God, your family, and a whole lot of blog readers really, really proud. Stay inspiring! Keep your chin up. You’re doing great.

  • Jess G

    June 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    We know thier names and we know that they were your sons no official piece of paper/acknowledgement changes that. They lived for a short time here on earth but they will live in your heart forever.

  • Tina

    June 14, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I love their little hand and footprints, so beautiful

  • Erin

    June 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I have no doubt they look over you every day smiling at the strength you’ve mustered up in order to honor their lives. You are a wonderful mother to them. Continuing to pray for you and your family.

  • JM

    June 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Their tiny hand and footprints are beautiful, Diana. Thank you for sharing that, and them, with all of us. Preston and Julian will always be in our hearts.

  • Tiffany

    June 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’m so sorry again for your loss. Death of children is one of those things I struggle with being a Christian. I have to go on Faith that God knows.. and we will one day know and understand.

    Be strong, you have been so already.

  • Jessi J.

    June 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I wish so much that it was a day for your baby shower instead. Look at those beautiful little feet and hand prints. Those baby boys have touched SO many people. It’s amazing. My heart is with you always, as well as my prayers.

  • Veronika

    June 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

    My heart just broke all over again seeing those cards with tiny prints… I am so so sorry…

  • Jen

    June 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I’m am so sorry for this day being so very different from what was planned. I am glad that you have such a loving support system around you and that there are so many people who love your boys.

  • Sherry Carr-Smith

    June 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I’m sorry you had reason to have it, but I’m so glad you had a day to say goodbye.

  • Monica

    June 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry once ag ain. I wish you had had your shower, too.

  • Alexandra

    June 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

    I am sorry.

    I remember reading this once, and it calms my soul:

    “God holds our children in His arms until that moment we are once again able to.”

    All my love and prayers and sincere condolences.

  • Kendra

    June 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Thinking of you and your family.

  • Noswimmers

    June 14, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Sounds like a beautiful service to remember your precious little ones. I’m so sorry that you had to go through it, but know you will look back and be grateful you honored them in this way.
    Yesterday we “celebrated” what would have been my twin girls’ 4th birthday. It’s still hard, but it does get easier.
    Hugs to you.

  • melissa

    June 14, 2012 at 9:01 am

    I wish I would’ve been attending a shower for you too. But I really loves what your dad said about the assurance of salvation and how this was not goodbye. I loved seeing you and meeting your awesome family. It was a great service and those little boys matter to a lot of people. Like I said, no one wants this reality for themselves, and no one wanted it for you. But I am so excited to see what God does in your lives. Beauty from ashes. Love you!

  • trisha

    June 14, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Hugs, mama.

    what a tough day.

    trisha

  • Jen

    June 14, 2012 at 8:53 am

    (((hugs))/so sorry, I bet it was a tough day!

  • Amber

    June 14, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I’m so sorry. I’m glad God gave you the strength to make it through that.

  • Jessica@TWB

    June 14, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Thank you for being so open during all of this.

  • Christine

    June 14, 2012 at 7:24 am

    You’re an incredibly strong person. God will not give you more than you can handle. You know this already, but I wanted to say it again.

  • Cat Poland

    June 14, 2012 at 6:40 am

    So sorry for you loss hon. The pain of the unfulfilled promise of babies lost in utero is nearly impossible to explain to those who haven’t gone through it. God bless you and your family.

  • Jen @ Martymom’s Musings

    June 14, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Sounds like a beautiful time of remembering. You boys had and do have weight in this world, no matter what the world says.

    June 12, 2012, was 2 years since my sweet Abigail’s memorial service. It is a day I will never forget.

    Jen

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