Can I be brutally honest? Can I take a moment and just vent on here? Just let it all out?
I HATE being this girl. I hate that seeing pictures of new babies makes my head snap in the other direction to avoid the pain. I hate that I hear a newborn cry and think of Preston struggling to breathe on me. I hate that I see Bella pat a little boy on the back yesterday while smiling at him, to encourage him to go down the slide, and I burst into tears.
I’m the girl with two dead babies. I’m that blogger. I’m that mother, that friend, that sister, that woman. I hate that. I wanted to be the mom of twins. The mom of three. I can’t believe this is how it all ended up.
As my due date gets closer and the friends that rejoiced their pregnancies with mine have their babies, I hate that it takes every effort I possess to type to them. I hate that my notes include, “I can’t really talk about it with you, I’m happy for you though, hope you understand.”
It should have NEVER been this way. I should have been so big and pregnant and huge and happy – and now I sit here with tears pouring down my cheeks and Zoloft on my counter and my two sons on my shelf and the tattoos on my arm – each a reminder of how messed up this all is.
How unfair it all is.
No one told me life was going to be perfect. I know. But no one said it was going to be this painful at times.
I can’t believe this is me. I can’t. I have trouble even realizing it myself. That one of the ways people know who I am is because my babies died. How messed up is that? Maybe you know me for another reason, but I’m guessing most people say, “You know, the one who lost her twins…”
Oh, yeah. That girl.
I never wanted to be this girl. No one does. And now I am, I’m struggling to be her in the best way I can while not putting myself through any more pain. It may take ending bad relationships, it may take blocking all the photos on Facebook, it may take me falling on my knees and begging God to help me through one of those days. I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this and I’m struggling through it the only way I can.
I’m the girl who never wanted to be the baby loss blogger and instead I can’t run away from what life handed me. 3 months in and I still ache so much that my writing can’t ignore it.
I just wanted my babies. That’s all. And instead I got to be that girl.