On Being Angry

September 24, 2012

As time passes, I tend to get angrier at past events that didn’t really faze me before all this. I guess I’m in a new stage of grief.

I’m not angry that the boys are gone – that’s still so painful to think about. I’m angry at the way it all happened. How I was left on a stretcher in the hallway of the ER for a half hour while no one checked on me. I’m angry at the way I was told, so cold and briskly by a doctor I’d never met and who never came in to see me again.

I’m angry at the hospital I was transferred to waking me up that second night after not sleeping for 48 hours to pile all the flowers and cards and clothes on top of me and wheel me to another room at 1am to save costs. I’m angry that it took a media storm for those stupid doctors to treat me like a human being instead of a hysterical moron. I’m angry that my last few days pregnant were spent stressed out and afraid I’d be asked to leave the hospital.

I’m so angry that even when it was all “done” – I still had to be told over and over how the two children that died in my hands weren’t really babies at all.

I’m angry that I can’t show any pictures of my babies on here. Ever.

I’m furiously angry at the people in our lives that made these months harder on Sam and I.

I also know that a lot of this is not productive. But I’m also learning that’s ok – this is simply how I feel. Right, wrong, indifferent. It’s part of my grief and healing process.

I’ve learned in our grief counseling that anger is a cover up emotion for so much more. So I’ll try to explain how I really feel.

I feel disrespected. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected by people in my life who were supposed to be there for me when this all went down. I feel cheated out of grief because I was so worried about what everyone else thought – which is completely my issue.

It’s not that I didn’t have a support system or women (and men) that stepped up to the plate when I simply couldn’t do anything more emotionally. I’ve talked a lot about that on here, but tonight is the flip side. I have to get it out. This wasn’t all sweet and lovely and wonderful – there were some really, really ugly sides to the past few months.

I’m working on it. Working on the anger in people that weren’t able to be there for us. The anger towards the doctors that were too wrapped up in policy to see a broken hearted set of parents that wanted their babies. The anger at the world for getting to the point where we can grieve the loss of a forest or lake but not of a baby born under 24 weeks or still.

Big anger. That’s ok, I’m working through it. I’m trying to remember to turn to God for a lot of this. He can handle my anger so it isn’t affecting others.

And I’ve learned this: unless you’ve walked this path and know what I went through, you can’t tell me I shouldn’t be angry.

28 Comments

  • Hormonal Imbalances™ » About the Photos of the Boys

    October 5, 2012 at 7:00 am

    […] wrote on here about how I was so angry that I could never show photos of the boys on my blog. Or Facebook. Or anywhere […]

  • grace at {Gabbing with Grace}

    September 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Diana, so glad you got this out! I just have to say that I LOVE (adore really) your righteous indignation at the fact that humanity thinks its more sad to lose a lake or a forest than it is to lose a child at 24 weeks or under. It’s deplorable. I often think about that when I consider that farm animals in utero have more rights than human children in utero. Anyway, (((hugs))) from me. My prayer is that you’ll be able to continue to work through all of the stages of grief in a healthy way. xo

  • frelle

    September 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    Yes, you absolutely do have the freedom and right to be angry. How you feel is always valid. Thinking of you as you continue to process and heal. *HUG*

  • Rebecca

    September 26, 2012 at 8:49 am

    You have every right to be angry. Hell, I’m angry just hearing about how you were treated! No woman going through that experience should be treated with such disrespect and callousness.

  • Mary Kay

    September 26, 2012 at 6:01 am

    AMEN!!! And part of you may never get over the anger. 18 years later and there is still a little anger running around inside of me. For the most part I keep her quiet and contained but when I hear another woman’s story of their loss and how no one understands because they can’t. Anger gets up off her little chair and those feelings come back. My anger gets directed at my sister who got pregnant at 15 had a daughter and did not always give her the best life possible. And here I sat having issue after issue and then loosing Jessica – I was pissed off. Now the niece comes to me with all her problems and issues and I get a chance to mother her which makes me sad for my sister as she is missing out on all these special times with her daughter. So I make Anger sit in her corner and I make a difference when I can – if it is in the niece’s life or advocating for another Mom or just listening.

  • Tanya

    September 25, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    The Dr. who told me my baby was no longer living in the womb at 16 weeks’ gestation said to me “you’re gonna go home and have a heavy period, and then in 2 weeks you can get pregnant again.”. It was the worst moment of my life, made worse by a Dr. who didn’t understand. (He was not my regular OB/GYN. When I saw her the next time she hugged me and cried with me.) Although I’m sure you didn’t want to sign up to be a spokesperson for this cause, I am sure a LOT of good came out of your fight to stay in the hospital. And you have every right to be angry at the way you were treated. Hopefully by you taking a stand, another woman will be treated better than you were. And I’m sure that by you writing your blog you are giving validity to so many of us who lost babies before 24 weeks, and were treated poorly in the process. We never know how we touch other lives, but you can be sure you’re touching many!
    I am curious about your statement about not showing pictures on here. Did you not take any? Or do you mean you won’t be able to show pictures as they grow up? Or are they just too painful for you to be able to share? I am hoping that it isn’t because of something someone said that keeps you from sharing them, if you want to.
    Hang in there… there’s no right way to grieve, but this anger isn’t something that no one else has gone through. You have lots of company! Heck, I’m angry FOR you!

  • Arnebya

    September 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Oh, Diana. Of course you have every right to be angry. It’s a part of life and there is nothing to feel bad about for feeling the way you feel. There does need to be something done about the thought that our babies who don’t make it to a certain magical gestation period are not real babies. I was much less far along as you years ago when I experienced the same kind of abrupt, sighing, why’re you wasting our time, you’re miscarrying, just go home and let it all come out treatment. I’ll never forget it. It is demeaning. And I’m so sorry you had to endure that and unreliable people who should have known better on top of losing the boys.

  • Julie

    September 25, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Thanks for being brave enough to share your true feelings. I’m praying for you. I am curious, though; why can’t you show any pictures of your babies on here?

  • Joy

    September 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I am so very sorry. You deserve to have the ability to feel how you feel when you feel it. Grief is just that confusing. Different situation, but I lost my mom pretty quickly last year and I have days that I feel OK and the next I feel angry and will cry at the drop of a hat. Just go with how you are feeling. You don’t have to answer this, but did you get any pictures of your sons? If so, feel free to post. They were your children whether lost at 8 weeks, 20 weeks or 40 weeks. Much love to you

  • Rachel @ The House of Burks

    September 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I think about you and your sweet boys often. I think your anger is valid. You were treated horribly. The grieving process is so deeply personal, and anyone who would tell you that you are not justified in feeling the way you feel is an idiot.

  • Katy Morgan

    September 25, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I have so much respect for you because of what you share and how you share it. I have no doubt your words will bring healing to others as well.

    Praying for you as you continue to grieve…

  • Ashley

    September 25, 2012 at 11:41 am

    “I feel disrespected. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected by people in my life who were supposed to be there for me when this all went down. I feel cheated out of grief because I was so worried about what everyone else thought – which is completely my issue.”

    You just described the last three years of my life. I still to this day feel like I’m holding a lot back because I’m so worried about how it will make other people feel. My damn son died and I’m worried about how other people feel. There is seriously something wrong with the people I’ve surrounded myself with if this is how I feel.

    Thank you for being so honest and real. I pray that one day I’m able to grieve my son properly. I pray the same for you as well.

  • Becky

    September 25, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Your treatment at the hospital while going through the loss of your boys upsets me too. It upsets me because it is all too familiar to me. We lost our 1st 2 pregnancies and both times I was literally put into what seemed to be a makeshift storage closet and left there only checked in once, hospital refusing to call my regular OB, and one time not even ordering an ultrasound to confirm – barely took one look at me and immediately diagnosed the miscarriage and walked out. For that maltreatment we were rewarded with a $5000 medical bill (no insurance at the time)..

    We have since been blessed with 2 beautiful children – ages 2 and 3 weeks. But even after all these years my experience in losing my 1st two angers and saddens me. You will always grieve your boys and even be angry at the situation – you know what? That’s ok..don’t let anyone tell you any different..

  • Kim

    September 25, 2012 at 6:50 am

    I honestly think being angry is totally fine at this point. Why wouldn’t you be angry? All those reasons you just gave are valid reasons. I’M angry for you. Don’t worry about what you SHOULD feel. Just feel what you feel.

  • Kim

    September 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. But I can say I’m angry for you so I know you have every right to be angry. I feel like you should feel how ever you want and that no one should tell you it’s not okay. You suffered a tremendous loss. You were treated like shit. Be angry, be sad, be whatever you need to be.

    I’m sorry people are jerks. I’m sorry the rules are stupid. I’m sorry people are heartless. But most of all I’m sorry for what happened to your babies. It would kill me if this happened to me.

  • elizabeth

    September 25, 2012 at 5:45 am

    You shouldn’t get angry when you burn a pie. But being treated like a slab of meat when you were most vulnerable? Bullocks! Someday you may be able to forgive and move on, but if you do it one minute before you’ve processed everything IN YOUR OWN TIME, it’s chasing the wind. (Oh, and if you need to get mad over burning a pie, do it.)

  • Tina

    September 25, 2012 at 12:10 am

    I love your last line, it is amazing how people tell you how to feel when a lot have no clue. The anger is hard… I know. I still harbour anger towards people who don’t even deserve it. Some women I have extremely unjustified anger to because they got to keep their babies. Then I have justified anger to people like the anesthesiologist who was joking around and being a jerk in the OR when c-section my stillborn son. It can be extremely hard to get over. Thank you again for posting these kinds of posts 🙂

  • Monica

    September 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    I am so sorry you have to go through this. Getting your feelings out is essential. I am glad you wrote the post.

  • Gretchen

    September 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    You have every right to feel all of these stages. Prayers for you and your family! I know that’s not nearly enough, but hopefully in some way it helps to comfort knowing people are truly praying for you!

  • shannon

    September 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    yes, yes and yes. so glad you’re able to express this. you feel what you feel and whatever that it, it’s right. my hope is that you can also feel the prayers being said by so many. hang in there and big hugs.

  • melissa

    September 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    I’m honestly so glad you wrote this post. It’s good to see that you are being raw and honest about your feelings. You are such a sweet and giving and FORGIVING person. But it totally is okay to be angry. Your ordeal was horrific and painful. If you don’t own your anger at the people/situations you dealt with how can you get to a place of forgiveness and peace? That’s what I want for you so badly friend. Loads and loads of peace.

  • Deborah

    September 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Hugs. Lots of hugs.

  • Nikki – Days With Us

    September 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    This must have a been a very, very, very difficult post to write; I am glad you did. You must speak and write and continue to express your true feelings. Your words are beautifully written, and heartfelt. Be proud of the courage it took to write these words. You deserve to let everyone know how you felt or are feeling. It doesn’t matter what anyone else feels. These are YOUR feelings and yours alone to feel, to scream, to write, to have, and to release. I’m glad I read what you wrote. Amazingly courageous. Thank you for sharing your true, authentic feelings.

    1. Gretchen

      September 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

      Agreed!

  • Imperfectmomma

    September 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    I’m so sorry.

  • Sherry Carr-Smith

    September 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Not angry? If not angry now, then when? Whoever said that must have been high. You feel what you feel when you need to feel it.

    1. elizabeth

      September 25, 2012 at 5:40 am

      Amen. Perfectly said.

    2. April

      September 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

      Ditto

Comments are closed.

Prev Post Next Post