Today is 5 months since we said a brief hello and then goodbye to Julian and Preston.
It seems like it happened years ago and honestly just yesterday. Still. It will probably always seem like that.
So much has changed. So much is still the exact same.
I can say there isn’t an hour of the day they don’t cross my mind. As I move into new stages of grief or slide back into ones I’ve had before, I miss them in different ways. I missed my pregnancy with them until mid August. And now I miss them as babies.
I am often struck with the thought of, “How I wish they were here,” only to have it occur that I wouldn’t have changed any if they were. I’d still be that old Diana and I don’t think two children at the same time back then would have made me any nicer or more patient. Not that it makes it easier to have them gone, but it’s just a reality. It’s not easy to explain. I’m not glad they’re gone but I wouldn’t ever want to go back to the old me…
I try to find the good in things lately. Even the adoption mess we’re in now has it’s bright spots. But it’s very hard to think, “Oh, how fun that we get…” and realize just why we have it. That we wouldn’t had they been here.
I feel tired. I am weary of the emotional roller coaster we seem to be on through this all. I can’t imagine families that struggle like this for years. Multiple losses, multiple heartbreaks. It is almost too much to comprehend.
I’m not unhappy – even being angry doesn’t affect me the way is used to. I am fairly content with life in general and I still believe God has his hand on all of this, no matter the outcome. I have days that are good and some that are harder. I try so hard to balance grieving for the boys, the adoption, and the little girl who needs my presence the most.
Honestly? I end each prayer over Bella’s bed at night with, “God, please give us some good news, something to look forward to with our heart’s desire for a bigger family.”
5 months. An eternity. And yet the blink of an eye.