I wrote on here about how I was so angry that I could never show photos of the boys on my blog. Or Facebook. Or anywhere really.
And so, so many of you wrote to ask why that was – did I not have any pictures? Was I worried about comments? What was it?
So yes, I have pictures of them. Both. Some my mom took, some we took, some the nurses took. I wish with all my heart we had thought of the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” people or someone that did that type of photography but it was 3am and such a blur that I didn’t think of it till they were gone. A few of you emailed/tweeted me as fast as you could about it and I’ve never forgotten that – it was special to know that was thought of for us.
Very few people in our lives have seen the pictures. I don’t show them because I know people can be very cruel. They look like babies – just very tiny. Very red. But quite perfect. Preston had Sam’s nose. Julian had the shape of his head. Their little lips were mine. I was stunned that they were babies, I don’t know what I expected. You see those pictures throughout the weeks of their growth and ultrasounds but when you see them – it kinda just takes your breath away at the perfection your body was growing.
When Michelle Duggar showed just the picture of her hand and her daughter’s that they lost, I stumbled on a blog post (some big time, popular one like Slate) that ripped her to shreds for having more kids and for showing pictures of “it.” The words were so evil, so mean spirited, I was floored. Even though I thought her having more children was a little much, it still was a baby she lost.
Only so many people don’t see it that way.
Photos are easily lifted off here. Passed around. Altered. I don’t know if my heart could bear someone to be unkind to the only things I have that bring me back to that day, those hours. I mean, those are my sons. I feel the same protectiveness about them as I do Bella.
Maybe one day I will be like so many of the amazingly brave women who I see post their pictures, and my heart aches to show my little boys. But for now, those are just mine and Sam’s. Tucked away. Little memories we cherish and that I sit and cry over when it hits me just how much I lost that day.
But I wanted to say, thank you for caring. Thank you for asking and for telling me when I’m ready, you will be there to cry with me.