My heart aches as I think of where to head next.
As I try to guess where God wants us to head next while really attempting to dictate it all (Jesus, don’t take the wheel – you’re not going the way I want and mine is faster plus you drive too slow).
“Give it a break!” you might be thinking. “What’s the rush?”
There is a slight sense of urgency with us about all of this. I can’t explain it yet, you’ll have to trust me.
We could attempt to look into another agency, but common sense tells me that we need to wait. I believe God let our homestudy be approved so that we are able to adopt in the next couple of years, where as a failed one wouldn’t have probably allowed us that. I think about adoption now, how far we came, how on board we were; no anger. None. A thankfulness that we had something to get us through these past 5 months, looking forward to it even though it didn’t happen this time. I’m confused, a bit bewildered we have to wait again, but not angry anymore.
So now what? What happens next? I don’t want to wait till Bella is 5 or 6 to expand our family.
Do we chance this again? Do we do this knowing I’ll be sick and high risk? That we have resources we didn’t have with the twins, and yet the sense of lost innocence as well? How would another pregnancy feel with knowing what losing a baby is like?
How can we not? How can I look back at the end of my life and say, “I’m so glad we didn’t try to have any more kids.” When I know that’s not what my heart would be fulfilled with.
When did these decisions and choices become a part of my life? Wasn’t it just last year at this time I was debating having any more kids because Bella had been such a rough pregnancy? Who knew what the next year would bring.
With almost every breath these days, I pray God hears my heart, my desires, and yet points me in the direction He knows is best for me. How hard that is. How much I struggle with it. How I don’t deserve anything I have that He’s given me, broken and a mess, yet here I stand with my hands out and ask for more.