This Isn’t Just My Story

October 4, 2012

Sometimes there are moments where you see everything so clearly in a split second.

Yesterday was that moment.

I found myself sad, wanting to control the adoption process, feeling irritated and annoyed. I was upset that our honesty with it all had caused it to start to crumble, and part of me wondered if maybe we’d have just kept it to ourselves about Sam’s drinking, maybe we’d have gotten to move forward.

Sam came home that evening and I could tell he was off too. We were snappy and on edge, trying to figure out what path to take next. We seem to be at a crossroads that we aren’t really in charge of.

I kept saying, “How can they punish us for a past mistake that we’ve worked so hard to fix? It’s not fair. I don’t understand how this is our life suddenly – what the heck happened?”

I was ashamed to come on here and write about it. I thought maybe I’d just not say anything about it until – “SURPRISE! We changed our minds! We don’t want to adopt after all.” And no one would know.

But I remembered the post about writing because this was God’s story of our lives, not just ours.

And then it hit me. God’s story. We were trying to do God’s will. Publicly. In faith. The best we can being imperfect humans.

This is Satan.

Now, I’m not usually the type who talks about Satan and all that – in fact a few months ago I’d have read my own words here and gone, “Oooookay, someone needs to come back to reality land…” Yet, I was struck with the thought yesterday that perhaps, on a lesser scale, this is like what Job went through. Tested. Tried. Satan sees how hard we are trying to live by faith and this is his way of driving a wedge into our marriage. Sam’s drinking. The resentment. The fear. Control. The loss and heartache again.

Not that he is causing it – what is happening is because of rules and regulations, because we did make mistakes. Sometimes those things come back to haunt you. But the stress of it, those feelings of being out of control or hopeless or “What if this really is it for us?” Those are from Satan. Those are made to cause dissention between Sam and me, to make me want to lie on here, to run and create that fake, picture perfect world where nothing but silly motherhood things and little tiffs that we don’t really mean happen and we all just love Jesus, Praise the Lord, life is good. Where are my $600 fall boots to go to church in because those girls will be SO jealous…

And my friends? That is not life. Not yours. Not mine. I can’t pretend that on here, because that’s not the story God has given me to share.

So yes. I am frustrated and anxious. I know Sam is too. But when I told him last night, “This is because we are standing firm in the life God has for us, regardless of how fair it might seem,” he understood. Christian school for us paid off a little. :p He knew, and when we hold hands tonight and pray over Bella’s bed, we will pray to be wrapped closer to God, to trust, to have blind faith as our life spins in this seemingly out of control direction. To guard our hearts and minds towards each other and our testimony to others.  We have come SO far in our marriage and faith, what a terrible thing to let ruin that.

I won’t let Satan win this one. We may be down, we may be kicked, we may be barely hanging onto hope, but we’re going to hang on till the very end. God gets whatever glory he chooses to give to our life.

 

21 Comments

  • Mare

    October 5, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Beautifully written. And yes, standing firm in the face of disappointment and grieving is the Christian challenge. You keep moving on, girl…God STILL has a plan for your life. He is good ALWAYS. And He will provide for what you need. Sometimes He does that by adjusting our wants. God bless you!

  • Tamaya

    October 4, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I try to remember that God never changes. Even in the worst of times I am the one who changes, who doubts… Your post is so true, I love it. It is Satan who makes us wonder if God gas changed.

  • Allison

    October 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    I’m not religious. In fact, atheist is probably the best description for me. But when I read your posts on your beliefs, I “get it.” I understand how you feel and why you place faith in God. This is a beautiful post, thanks for sharing.

  • Meredith @ La Buena Vida

    October 4, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Yes, totally. I so get this.

    It really hasn’t been until the last year or so that I really thought about Satan in terms of someone who works in our lives. I mean, I believed he existed…it just never really occurred to me that things that happened and weren’t of God…sometimes were of Satan. Thank goodness he’s not omnipresent like God, but he’s a sneaky little bugger nonetheless.

  • Rebecca

    October 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Speaking the truth is often unpopular. I say speak it anyway. You have an audience of One and He is pleased 🙂

  • Jamie

    October 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    If you had read this from a pulpit, I would be the one in the back of the church with my right hand raised, whispering, “AMEN!!!” Oh how so many need to read this. Oh, how my heart aches for you and how VERY timely a message this is. People seem to be consumed with needs to be important, to have “followers”, to be “liked” and to have that seemingly perfect modern day life. To be able to say that your life isn’t quite following YOUR plan but is following God’s sounds like such an easy thing to digest or say. And maybe it’s an easy thing to SAY…but to LIVE and BREATHE and ACCEPT – is really hard. To recognize when Satan is at work is a hard thing…but I think you have nailed it. I continue to pray for you!!! Glad you put this post out there because, based on most of the comments, it was not only need by you, but by others as well. Grateful for you! 🙂

  • sarah

    October 4, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    You are right. Discouragement is from satan. I have felt like my own marriage/family have been under satan’s attack of late and had the same thought as you “I’m not going to let him win!”

  • Angie

    October 4, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    When you are trusting in God and following His will for your life, Satan is doing his best to work against you and all that you are trying to do. Stay strong in your faith. God has great plans for your family.

  • Amanda

    October 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Satan? Seriously?

    1. story

      October 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm

      And this comment was productive because…? If you don’t agree with a post, click away, my dear. No one makes you read.

      1. Rebecca

        October 4, 2012 at 3:17 pm

        Amen.

  • Beth Anne

    October 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    boom, Jesus school.

    But yes, I am a FIRM believer in Satan & the shit he pulls.

  • Kacia

    October 4, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I love you SO much!! you are simply incredible. Seriously.

  • Carolyn Kavarnos

    October 4, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Diana,

    I have to say I understand the frustration with adoption laws, agencies and countries. I can get so angry if I think of all the kids who desperately need families and yet perfectly great parents are denied every day for reasons that are absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. For instance China now accepts no single parents, overweight parents, age restrictions are a joke because you can have a 35 year old mother who if she is married to a man 10 -15 years older, they cannot adopt, if you have ever taken an anti depressant you are out of luck, and any trips to a counselor could be deemed mental health issues and bye bye baby for you. I have read so many books and my heard aches at the stories of friends who have witnessed the children left in these orphanages until they age out and then they can go where they will but that is better than with a family with an older dad, mom who saw a professional for her depression over not being able to conceive, a single mom who wants so badly to have a family and more. It gets me so angry. It gets me to the point when I hear or see anything about children needing homes I feel it is BS, these children could have homes and families that love them it is all political garbage and red tape that deny them that. I often wish they would do something like Operation Baby Lift again and give people all over the opportunity to adopt babies and children in need but sadly that was another era and not likely to happen again. I feel for you Diana and it is complete BS. Hugs girl.

  • Shannon

    October 4, 2012 at 10:33 am

    YES. Beautiful and perfectly said.

  • Elisabeth

    October 4, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Yes. I needed to read this today. Thank you for the reminder to stand firm in my faith and trust in God’s perfect will for our lives (especially when it is so far from what I think it should be!).

  • bessie.viola

    October 4, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Thank you. We have recently gotten some “NO”s about a path that I was sure would be ours, and it’s been trying. Some new doors have begun to open, though, and this is such a great reminder to pray and hold tight to God’s plan, whatever bumps there are along the way.

    You are brave to be blogging through all of this – and what a testament to your faith. Sending you much love and many prayers… this is not the end of the story.

  • molly

    October 4, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I wrestle with satan every day because of my anxiety, depression and past mistakes. BIG mistakes. I am totally honest on my blog and it has come back to haunt me. Like I said, we can’t adopt due to my mental illness and the fact that I give full disclosure of my past struggles with this disorder. It sucks. But I know God has a plan for our family. I just don’t know what it is yet.

    Hugs to you. You are so strong, Diana. I admire your faith and will try to pray harder.

  • Brooke

    October 4, 2012 at 10:07 am

    This is amazing-you have such grace and power in your words and your faith. Thank you. Given all that we have been dealing with in this pregnancy, this post has helped me immensely. Love you mama. I know that baby is out there for you and God’s timing is almost never what we’d choose, but it is always always what we need.

  • Kim

    October 4, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Yes, all of this, just yes. Your faith inspires me, Diana. And I’ll be praying for you all.

  • Stefanie

    October 4, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Great post! I’m so glad you are continuing to share your life and be authentic with your readers. I know it seems cliche to say, but God does have a plan for you and your family and He is using you to bless others through this blog and hopefully, in return, you will also be blessed. Praying for you & Sam while you continue to wait and navigate through this process.

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