Sometimes there are moments where you see everything so clearly in a split second.
Yesterday was that moment.
I found myself sad, wanting to control the adoption process, feeling irritated and annoyed. I was upset that our honesty with it all had caused it to start to crumble, and part of me wondered if maybe we’d have just kept it to ourselves about Sam’s drinking, maybe we’d have gotten to move forward.
Sam came home that evening and I could tell he was off too. We were snappy and on edge, trying to figure out what path to take next. We seem to be at a crossroads that we aren’t really in charge of.
I kept saying, “How can they punish us for a past mistake that we’ve worked so hard to fix? It’s not fair. I don’t understand how this is our life suddenly – what the heck happened?”
I was ashamed to come on here and write about it. I thought maybe I’d just not say anything about it until – “SURPRISE! We changed our minds! We don’t want to adopt after all.” And no one would know.
But I remembered the post about writing because this was God’s story of our lives, not just ours.
And then it hit me. God’s story. We were trying to do God’s will. Publicly. In faith. The best we can being imperfect humans.
This is Satan.
Now, I’m not usually the type who talks about Satan and all that – in fact a few months ago I’d have read my own words here and gone, “Oooookay, someone needs to come back to reality land…” Yet, I was struck with the thought yesterday that perhaps, on a lesser scale, this is like what Job went through. Tested. Tried. Satan sees how hard we are trying to live by faith and this is his way of driving a wedge into our marriage. Sam’s drinking. The resentment. The fear. Control. The loss and heartache again.
Not that he is causing it – what is happening is because of rules and regulations, because we did make mistakes. Sometimes those things come back to haunt you. But the stress of it, those feelings of being out of control or hopeless or “What if this really is it for us?” Those are from Satan. Those are made to cause dissention between Sam and me, to make me want to lie on here, to run and create that fake, picture perfect world where nothing but silly motherhood things and little tiffs that we don’t really mean happen and we all just love Jesus, Praise the Lord, life is good. Where are my $600 fall boots to go to church in because those girls will be SO jealous…
And my friends? That is not life. Not yours. Not mine. I can’t pretend that on here, because that’s not the story God has given me to share.
So yes. I am frustrated and anxious. I know Sam is too. But when I told him last night, “This is because we are standing firm in the life God has for us, regardless of how fair it might seem,” he understood. Christian school for us paid off a little. :p He knew, and when we hold hands tonight and pray over Bella’s bed, we will pray to be wrapped closer to God, to trust, to have blind faith as our life spins in this seemingly out of control direction. To guard our hearts and minds towards each other and our testimony to others. We have come SO far in our marriage and faith, what a terrible thing to let ruin that.
I won’t let Satan win this one. We may be down, we may be kicked, we may be barely hanging onto hope, but we’re going to hang on till the very end. God gets whatever glory he chooses to give to our life.