April 12, 2013

As each day passes with this pregnancy, I have this glimmer of what I can only describe as hope that grows more and more.

Like a tiny light seeping under the door in a dark room. Each day that door opens just a little wider. The room gets a little more light.

I can breathe. I can think about newborns. I can talk with Bella about “baby brother” and what we might expect in those first few months after he’s home. I can visualize myself in the hospital, holding him and crying tears of joy and yes, some of loss still. I’m able to make future plans that revolve around him being here. I create content on Babble that isn’t just loss or fear focused – and do it with humor. That’s something I’ve struggled to do organically for nearly a year.

There are longer times I forget that this is such a high risk pregnancy. I’m not as sick anymore, I have energy, I love that I’m so obviously pregnant, I adore all my maternity clothes. I (TMI Alert) can use the restroom without cringing in fear that at any moment my water will break. It still crosses my mind but I refuse to let it take over all the time like I did these past few months.

Slowly, slowly I am starting to try to put back together the pieces of my heart and mind that last May shattered. Something about getting to 20 weeks loosened the death grip that was on me, even though there wasn’t much of a change in what would happen between a loss at 19 weeks and at 20. Mentally though, it was a massive step. So many of you remembered. So many people in my life remembered. Even my therapist was excited my first appointment after – she barely sat down before blurting out, “And you made it to 20 weeks! I thought of you this Saturday!”

I’m not there yet. I can’t say I don’t have fear. But I’m working on it. Hard. I refuse to let the moments with my sons or this pregnancy be tarnished by my imperfect humanity forever.

It was a beautiful week.

———– analog weekend

I’ll be joining The Tiny Twig and NapTime Diaries in taking a social media break this weekend – focusing on family and writing. It’s hashtag is #analogweekend (Instagram too) for anyone who wants to see more. Please note that I may die by Sunday. 😉

Other places I’ve been this week:


  • Sharlee Hill Toberman

    August 21, 2013 at 3:54 am

    I know EXACTLY how you felt here. Especially the whole "cringing everytime you go to the bathroom" part. It is such a wonderful feeling to make it further each week. Thinking of you!

  • Stacy Lopez

    April 22, 2013 at 8:16 am

    I stumbled across your blog today and I am so happy that I did. I can relate in so many ways that I felt like when I read this blog “Hope”, that it was coming from my own lips. In November 2010 we welcomed our first child, Dante, at 34 weeks. My water broke while I was out walking the dogs one night. After a week in the NICU, my little boy came home to me and he has been (and still is) the most amazing thing I have ever accomplished. It’s unreal how content we feel our lives are while we are “growing up”. The goal of getting to 16 and driving a car, 18 to be legal, 21 to drink.. hooray! But none of it compares to the love, happiness, and raw emotion that you experience when you become a parent. Not just birth a child, but seeing that child develop, and learn from you, and say “Mama”, and crawl, and walk, and try to dress themselves, and ask for things, and become independent… ahhh. It’s enough to bring tears of utter joy to your eyes. Yes, my biggest and brightest accomplishment.

    Now having said that, I went through a dark time. In early August 2011 we found out we were expecting again. My husband (Active Duty Navy) left for Afghanistan before I found out. It was quick trip for him, and he was back mid-November. One week before Thanksgiving (and our sons 1st birthday), I started feeling “off”. Later that week I miscarried. How could this happen? I was in my second trimester. Everyone and all the books said once you get to the second trimester you’re in the clear. I didn’t understand. It was the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had. It was weekday and my husband was at work, and I wasn’t feeling well so I stayed home. I got up to use the bathroom at around 9am and that’s when it happened.

    It wasn’t a slow, over a period of a few days miscarriage. It happened all at once. I lost so much blood in such a short time that I lost consciousness. I remember my heart started pounding and I felt woozy. I was trying to clean myself up and then all of a sudden it hit me that something was wrong. I stepped out into the hallway to go for my phone and that’s when it happened. I cracked the back of my head against the hardwood flooring when I fell. When I came to, I hurt all over. I live in a duplex, and I could hear my neighbor shuffling around. I crawled myself over to my phone and called her. She came right away and helped me to her car, and then to the hospital.

    Fast forward a day later, a scare of a blood transfusion due to loss of blood, and an overwhelming sadness that filled me when one of the hospital staff walked by and said “Congratulations!” (they had me in the Mother and Infant Ward) and I had to correct her to say I lost my baby. Lost. We didn’t even know what the sex was yet. Or hadn’t picked out a name. I was trying to make sense of a situation that I couldn’t understand. After we left the hospital, it was a difficult few weeks for me. The Holidays were suppose to be so joyous, and instead, on my Christmas tree was an Angel ornament that I made in remembrance of our child, with the date of the miscarriage.

    In December I went in for a follow up appointment to track my HCG levels to make sure they were back down to 0, and to get on birth control. To mine (and the Doctors) surprise, my HCG levels were up. 10 minutes later I received a pregnancy confirmation. WHAT? I didn’t know what to think. Hubby and I had fooled around one time after our loss. It lasted all of 5 minutes and we used the ever so effective “pull out” method. We definitely weren’t trying for another baby so soon after our loss. I was depressed. That joyful excitement that you feel when you find out your pregnant was non-existent. Instead I was filled with this void. I couldn’t connect with this thing growing inside me. It sounds awful to describe a baby as a “thing”, but I really couldn’t connect. Six weeks later (January 2012) I miscarried. Again.

    This time it didn’t hurt as bad. Physically or Mentally. It wasn’t a near-death experience like the first one. It was easy. A little spotting here and there over a week filled with cramping. I didn’t even feel like I was losing my baby. It was completely on the opposite side of the spectrum from the first miscarriage. I don’t know why I reacted differently with this loss than I did with the first. All I knew was that the whole thing never felt real.

    Fast forward to March 2012. I had received a Depo Provera shot at the end of January when I miscarried for the second time. We decided to wait on building our family and allowing my body to get back to normal again. Plus our first born, Dante, was now 16 months old and he was all over the place! Walking around like a maniac and enjoying life! Every second with that kid makes me smile. He is truly a gift from God! One Thursday while I was at work, I suddenly felt woozy on the elevator riding it up to the fourth floor. Okay, odd. And then later in the day I was standing at my desk talking to someone and damn near fell on my butt from losing my balance. Doubly odd. Then the next morning I was sick as a dog but wasn’t running a fever. Ruht-Roh.

    Into the Doctors I went. A urine test wasn’t enough for me. I demanded blood! 20 minutes later I had my answer. Positive. But wait, I’m on the shot! “Welcome to to .01%” the Doctor told me. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. Obviously I cancelled my appointment for the following week for my second Depo Shot. This fourth pregnancy felt different from the beginning. I had an immediate connection. Did God want us to continue building our family even though we had decided to wait?

    The following weeks were hard. Every day I second guessed what I was eating, how I was exercising, was my bath water too warm, was I getting enough rest? I desperately wanted to keep my baby inside of me as long as possible. I couldn’t lose another. It was nerve wracking and at times downright emotionally exhausting. Chasing after our toddler, working full time, and trying to provide to best environment for our growing baby was a chore! A well worth it chore! But nonetheless, it was exhausting!

    I was in and out of the hospital throughout the pregnancy with preterm labor, fluid leakage, and I swear I came down with every sinus issue known to man. But we made it! It was the most emotional experience of my life. From everything I had been through, I just exploded with emotion when Dominic came into this world. He was born on December 28th, 2012. My water broke four weeks early. He couldn’t wait to make his debut!

    I sometimes sit back and think about the two pregnancies we lost and I thank God that Dominic is the one he chose for us. He is the spitting image of our toddler Dante. There’s no mistaking that they ‘re brothers! And my goodness! Dante is such a fantastic big brother! He is so proud! He helps his mommy and daddy out with the baby and can’t wait until Dominic gets big enough to play with.

    Reading your blog helped me to jot down and recant my own story. So thank you for that. I’ve never actually written it out before!

  • Rebecca

    April 15, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I’m so glad you’re feeling hope and excitement! Praise The Lord 🙂

  • Jessi J.

    April 13, 2013 at 7:35 am

    <3 I can only imagine. I'm so happy and excited for each new week that passes by for you!!

  • Suz

    April 12, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Yay for hope! I pray that light shine brighter & brighter on you in the days & weeks to come.

  • Holly

    April 12, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    I’m thrilled for you that you have some hope and a little bit of peace! I will continue to pray for you & your family!

  • Amber

    April 12, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Hugs. Just so many hugs.

  • Dominique @Barefoot in the Kitchen

    April 12, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Praise Jesus! Good to hear. Praying that that little bit of hope continues to grow all the way till you have tangible hope in your arms 🙂

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