Today was a big day for us and Kaden. I woke up around 4am this morning, pumped, and took it to the NICU where I spent about an hour with my hands through his isolette. His breathing problems are complicated to explain and still a bit unknown – no infection, no fluid swallowed, etc. However he’s rapidly gaining lung power, and that’s a blessing.
My mom and I were able to visit in the morning, and to our pleasant surprise we found that Kaden had been moved to the lower NICU level.
This afternoon Sam brought Bella by for a while, and she was disappointed she wasn’t able to see or hold Kaden. We explained that he needed to breathe better and he would come home when the doctors thought he was ready. I had a couple of little gifts for her as a big sister, we all had dinner, and then she went home with my mom for the night.
Tonight we were able to hold Kaden for the first time since right after he was born. I also got to feed him my pumped stash and then try to breastfeed. But he was so sleepy and content we ended up doing skin-to-skin instead. It was so special. I got to get a good look at him – he’s so perfect and such a chunk. The nurses were laughing about how he barely fit in the isolette because they get such tiny babies. And oh, do they ever. It makes my heart ache to see the tiniest ones and know Preston and Julian weren’t a whole lot smaller.
Every time I step in that NICU I have a little more faith in his care and the affection he’s given. It is SO hard not to worry about all the what-if’s, but I remind myself constantly that this is the way it is. It isn’t my ideal place for him, but it is ideal for his situation. So instead of feeling sorry for him and myself (which I still do at times) I try to do something. Pump. Visit him. Talk to the nurses. Remind myself that he’s in there regardless of how I feel about it, and hopefully he’ll come home very soon.
We still don’t have any pictures since they don’t allow that in there, but he’s doing wonderful and maintaining his birth weight. He looks just like Sam. I feel like I’m holding a mini Sam. It cracks me up. He makes the cutest little noises too.
I’m off to pump again, see him one more time, and get some sleep. I head home tomorrow. Thank you for all the prayers and good thoughts sent our way.