I’ve been quiet on here for a few weeks now. Truly, I didn’t know what to write. I still don’t. I switched up my blog to a new url and design that I’d planned to do in June but life got in the way. I’m actually so glad I waited until now, so that it’s such a fresh start on here. New name, new url, new design. I feel like this little space is a lot more me right now.
The header pic breaks my heart. I took it in December, all of 4 weeks pregnant with Kaden. I sent it to Becca at Jumping Jax in May – entering third trimester and thrilled that we had another son on the way.
I never, ever thought I would be looking at it with another loss. Another baby gone. A third son taken away.
It’s so raw and painful right now that I can’t write about it. I want to run away from the grief, I mean, I’ve already done this. Served my grief time. Just had it finally come to a point with Preston and Julian where I felt like I was reaching the light in a tunnel. My pregnancy helped tremendously with that.
Now I have to start all over again with a son we actually got to know, loved, held, sang to, planned for. Only to have him gone.
Oh, it hurts so much. So, so much. I wanted, believed in a miracle for Kaden. I honestly thought I’d walk in one day to smiling nurses and doctors in shock telling me he was healed. Ready to go home. I never gave up that hope, as stupid as it seemed. I tried to be realistic and have faith that he could be healed. I couldn’t fathom God would allow us to go through this again.
Instead I got to hold him in my arms as he took his last breaths and I screamed at God through the hospital ceiling, “I don’t understand, I just wanted to take my baby home.” My heart still jumps at Children’s Medical Center calling, I still have to remind myself that as we put his things away, it isn’t temporary. He isn’t coming back. Ever. I watch all my friends have their babies that we joyously celebrated the start of together, and I’m not angry at them. I’m just sad for us. Sad for my daughter who asks why Kaden is in heaven, sad for my husband who truly bonded with his son in our 3 weeks together. Sad for my parents who held him in his last hours and cried as hard as I was when he left. Sad for our little family that just wanted our sons to be here with us.
I want so much right now to push it all away, fast forward to a year down the road. Even though our days are pretty normal here (we make a huge effort on this for Bella), it feels like what I said last year with the twins. We hit rewind on our lives, just with grief in it now.
It’s not more painful than the twins. No, but it’s very different. Very much. I don’t really know how yet, but it’s so deep that I don’t want to write about what happened or even talk about it much. With them I was so desperate for everyone to know they were babies – real. I was so traumatized by the hospital, grieving a pregnancy, mourning an entire life I would never have with two little boys – that took some of the focus off my grief. It was something else to try to sort out. My therapist called it “complicated grief.”
This time? I had everything go the way I wanted and prayed for. A full term pregnancy. A natural birth. A wonderful doctor and doula. Birth photos. The hospitals treated us wonderfully. Only I didn’t get the thing I wanted and prayed the most for.
You know where that leaves me?
It leaves me with my grief and my God. I only have those to wrestle with this time.
And that is very, very hard.