Asking Why.

September 5, 2013

Today Kaden would have been a month old.

I’ve thought about this all day. All the things we’re missing. The life he’ll never have with us.

I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing I write on here will even dent the amount of emotion pent up inside me about this.

I miss him. I wish I had gotten to know him better. It was so hard because he was so sick.

It feels like part of my heart was ripped out. I feel lost. Numb. Forgotten. Betrayed. Dropped instead of carried.

I feel like God forgot about us down here. I felt His presence so strongly after losing Preston and Julian. It was as if He was there, wrapping His arms around me. In fact there was a time months later I remember missing the depth of the grief with them simply for that feeling.

I don’t feel that right now. Maybe I’m too angry to feel that holy presence. But I feel very much alone. My prayers feel different because I’m not sure what to pray for – or if He’s listening to what I really need.

I know all the platitudes. The scriptures about this. The “right” words. The things that are supposed to give me comfort. Yet for right now I’m ok with struggling with my faith. I am. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to question. It’s ok to search for God – even if He’s right there with me.

It’s ok to do all this. I have to tell myself that, remind myself that if we are made in God’s image, He can handle all of my pain and anger and questioning. He’s God after all. He may have not caused this but He’s the only one I can turn to in my overwhelming pain and anger to ask “Why?”

One month. I miss Kaden. And I’m going to continue to ask “Why? Why God?” even if I never get an answer.

And that’s ok.

58 Comments

  • Maura

    September 7, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    What a powerful piece. Thinking of you each and every day.

  • Kassie

    September 6, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    It’s definitely okay to be angry. No one can blame you for that! Prayers friend!

  • Tricia

    September 6, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    Love you so much. I have zero to say about God right now because Kaden’s passing has me questioning everything. I just can’t get past why God wouldn’t perform a healing, yet the crackhead lady pops out 3 in 3 years and uses the whole time. I have no platitudes or scriptural references because I know they aren’t helping me right now so I don’t know how on earth they’d help you. I’m just so angry, and in my anger I’m at a complete loss for words. And faith. I just love you and hate this.

  • chelsey @ clean eating chelsey

    September 6, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Grief is a hard thing – and I think God is just as sad as you are right now. He understands your pain and your anger towards His will. Thinking about and praying for you through this difficult time.

  • Jessica

    September 6, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I think that a lot of people have a problem w that. Being angry with God – “Oh you’re not supposed to do that.” “That just invites bitterness” … and so on. But as long as you keep talking to Him and reading His word you will find your answer. May not be tomorrow, the next day, the next week, month or even year. But God will show you in His time. Praying for you and your family during this unimaginable time.

  • Hannah Poulson

    September 6, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Diana, I have no right words to say, I don’t know what to say other than my heart breaks for you sweetheart and I have cried many tears for you these last weeks. We continue to lift each of you in prayer. Love Hannah and Andy Poulson xxx Bristol, UK

  • Kir

    September 6, 2013 at 11:45 am

    I always wish there was something I could say, something I could do that would make the ache less, the loss less..but that’s a fool’s thinking.
    I just want you to know that I’m here, that my prayers each and every day (I even asked the boys to say Miss Diana or Kaden during their morning blessings at school this week)

    when I was floundering those 4 yrs during my infertility I felt like you do now, “Is HE even listening to anything I am praying for?” and I riled, I yelled at Him, I questioned Him, I thought for sure He’d forgotten me or was punishing me for my wild 20’s…yet I know that just like my favorite prayer , when i felt Him far away, that is when He carried me…I hope that in many moments you know that too.

    thinking of you..

  • Erin Crouch

    September 6, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    I believe He is still always there with you. It is ok to be angry. He does not judge. You have strengthened me each day that I am pregnant (currently 23 weeks) to cherish each day I have with my little girl growing inside me. To not take for granted the time and the moments I get. Kaden knew you and loved you from the moment of conception. I think his love for you will get you through this hard time.

  • Ashley Hood Miller

    September 6, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    I ask this question too. ((Hugs))

  • Nikki

    September 6, 2013 at 10:51 am

    ((((HUGS))))

  • Kristina

    September 6, 2013 at 10:04 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. He is everyhwere:
    For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.
    He’s searching the WHOLE earth for strength for you. Again, I am so sorry.

  • Fadra Nally

    September 6, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    I can't counsel you on how to deal with God. I wish I could. After Kaden left us, I wrote a post about why it's easy to hate God. It doesn't answer anything but we need a place to direct our emotion and to ask for answers even if we'll never get them.

    The amount of pain I feel for you is so much. But you are strong and special and loved. Praying for you every day, Diana!

  • Amanda

    September 6, 2013 at 9:35 am

    “Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.” – CS Lewis from A Grief Observed, a memoir written after his wife died. Friend, you are right to look past the platitudes, past the truth on paper to the One who IS true and good, who is love Himself. Keep taking Him everything – all the anger and questions and silence and sadness. Love you.

  • Sara

    September 6, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Oh Diana, your journey from losing the twins to now losing Kaden has completely rocked me to my core. I am in disbelief why so much heartache could be bestowed on one family. I am completely heartbroken. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Praying that a peace that surpasses all understanding will drape over you, Sam and Bella. Sending lots of love.

  • Emily Kaiser

    September 6, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I copied this from a friend's blog. I hope it brings some comfort.

    When you're teaching your baby to walk, you step back, hold your arms out and make her come to you.
    Did you step away from her because you don't love her? Because you're leaving her out in the open so she can be harmed or in danger?
    Of course not! You stepped back so that, as long as she keeps her eyes on you, she knows to press in and walk towards you. You take another step back and she takes another step towards you.

    That's our relationship with Yahweh. He hasn't left us. He's not mad at us, nor are we being punished for doing something wrong. He's ready to take us deeper. So He's stepped back. And in that space from where we currently are to where we need to be by taking the step towards Him is painful because for that moment in time, we're not in His arms. We're with Him, and He's right there – but there's a gap between us. So it's our job to recognize that He's stepped back because He wants us to learn to walk in an even deeper revelation of Him, and to step forward. To be with Him.

    And what's so, so sweet about this picture is that when you're baby takes several steps towards you, you decide to pick her up at the last step, however many steps it's been, and throw her in the air with happiness and rejoicing and there is kissing and clapping and great blessing because you are so proud of her for doing something hard and not giving up and trusting you.

    Keep your eyes on Him. He has not left you, and He never, ever will.

  • Susie Klander

    September 6, 2013 at 7:34 am

    It will be six years next week for our family’s loss . One phrase I found to be true “You can’t go through the pain, but you must learn how to go around it”. That painted quite a picture. I can look back and see God’s work and am so greatful. It’s hard for me to put things in words. I guess that’s why I appreciate you sharing your feelings. Believe it or not, I can see God beside you with every word you write.

  • Melissa Embrey Jordan

    September 6, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    The important thing is that you are still talking to God. Still mustering words despite the great depths of the hole in your heart and spirit. That is the most important thing, Diana. To keep talking. praying. It can be all questions. anger. frustration. confusion. But if you are still talking to Him you are still moving forward. one step. one day. and then again tomorrow. All my love, Melissa.

  • Katie Davis Kleino

    September 6, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Some pain is beyond words. Hugs

  • Antoinette Batchelor

    September 6, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    My heart breaks for you every time I read your pain Diana. There is no amount of words or good thoughts that can end this pain for you.

    Yell at God if you need to, be Angry with him, scream at him, he can take it, He knows your pain, he knows you, he knows kaden, he knows the words you can't speak he knows everything you want to say and can't. Prayers don't need to be worship, they don't need to be praise, they don't need to be anything special, a simple "God, help…" and he will take the rest. He can handle you being angry with him.

  • Jacqueline Goelst

    September 6, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    So pleased you can be honest. You're right, if your life is God's, then all you're going through is His problem…. It doesn't take away the pain or confusion, but His grace, His unmerited favour will carry you whether you realise it or not, and that's okay. God's there, He knows… Big hugs xx.

  • Anette Pounu

    September 6, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Kram!

  • Amanda Hoyt

    September 6, 2013 at 5:04 am

    Oh, my friend! My heart aches for you, Sam, Bella & the rest of your family. Your post is so raw, honest & true. It is ok to question, be angry & feel the way you do. I pray that you would begin to feel The Lord’s loving, protective embrace once again.
    I was reading through the comments above & had to use google translator to help me out on one. And what a powerful four word sentence it is that describes how much of the world has felt for you guys the last month.
    ~I cry with you.~
    So so true. We love you, Stone Family.
    Moment by moment you are in my thoughts and prayers, sweet one.
    Hugs
    ~remembering Preston, Julian & Kaden~

  • Samantha

    September 6, 2013 at 4:23 am

    That is more than ok.

    Thinking of you and your family, Diana.

  • Sofie Sundström

    September 6, 2013 at 7:27 am

    <3

  • Becca

    September 6, 2013 at 1:24 am

    I wish I had something more to say, but I just don’t understand it. I wish I could hug you and do so much more than just pray for you and send you all the love I can. Please let me know if you ever need anything, Diana.

  • learning to trust

    September 5, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    God seems to give us his peace when we need it the most and maybe this time you need to let it all out. Scream cry yell question be angry be sad be real enjoy bella QDon’t be afraid to grieve. I know the pain of grief is the worst thing in the world. It rips open every unhealed scar all over again and it feels like everything is bleeding and exposed but it is the only way to heal completely. Do what you need to do to heal for Diana. Psalm 147:3 He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Jeremiah 31:3-4 I have loved you with an everlasting love I have drawn you with an unfailing kindness. I will build you up again

  • Mikaela Grankulla

    September 6, 2013 at 5:03 am

    jag gråter med dig! <3

  • Pat Odom DeVane

    September 6, 2013 at 3:02 am

    No words are enough. Just know yall are in our thoughts and prayers.

  • Pat Odom DeVane

    September 6, 2013 at 3:02 am

    No words are enough. Just know yall are in our thoughts and prayers.

  • Jonathan Aho

    September 6, 2013 at 2:59 am

    Cant imagine your pain sis. Wish I was there to cry with you

  • Taunia

    September 5, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Diana, my first thought is to thank you for your honesty and your ability to acknowledge/share your raw feelings. There are definitive emotions that many of us have experienced during the grieving process and anger is definitely an emotion that I suspect many, if not all have experienced. Quite often I relate my relationship to God (Father/child) as I see my relationship with my children (Mother/child). To simplify, when a child is told, “no” what do they say next, “why”? If they don’t get the answer they want to hear, they get angry. What do we do as parents when that child gets angry? We usually pull that child in close to us, hold them through their tantrum and when they are ready to hear the answer, we are able to share our concern for them and why we answered as we did. God is listening to you sweet lady! Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Matt. 7:7 Praying for you and your family as I know that only through him can we persevere and find purpose.

  • Kristina Odom

    September 6, 2013 at 2:51 am

    7 months and 5 days ago I held my sweet, three-day old Matilda, when she took her last breaths on this earth. She died because of an extremely severe heart defect and brain hemorrhage after heart surgery. I still struggle with praying, and I can't really say that I feel His presence either. But regardless of my feelings, I know that He is close. He is here, in my husband who holds me and wipes my tears away when I cry. In my other daughter who loves me and needs me to care for her. In my family and friends who continue to send me cards and messages to ensure me that I'm not forgotten and alone in my pain. For months, it would make me so angry when people told me they were praying for comfort and peace for us. Didn't they know that there is no such thing? My baby is dead! Yes, I know I will see her again, but the hope of resurrection still today isn't very comforting. It doesn't make me miss her any less and it doesn't take the pain away. A few weeks after she died I read this blog post, and it helped me put words on some of my feelings. http://heremembersthebarren.com/2013/02/16/wrestling-with-god-against-god/

  • Jessica Pardee

    September 6, 2013 at 2:51 am

    I have been asking why right along with you. Why when you all have had so much loss already. It is okay. You are always on my heart and in my prayers.

  • Rusti

    September 5, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    yes. just… yes. it IS okay.

    continual prayers, love and *hugs*

  • alexis

    September 5, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Its so okay to be angry and confused. Were all so confused for you… I’m angry and hurt. I think of you so often. I wish all of your friends in internet land could line up and hug you. It would be such a long line… and we would try to take a little piece of your sadness. So much love…….. xoxoxoxoxo

  • Katie

    September 5, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    I cannot believe this happened to you… Again. My heart breaks for you and I cannot imagine the road of grief that you will have to walk. I prayed for you when you lost the twins and as you went through the process of losing Kaden. I don’t know where those prayers landed or where The Lord is in all of this. I don’t know how to advise you about faith because mine is so uncertain. I don’t know what God loves or what He wants or what He can handle. I don’t have any platitudes to share about the nature of God and how He’s going to help you handle this. All I can say is that I’m thinking about you and praying for you, whatever that means. What’s happened isn’t okay. It’s not fair. It’s heart-breaking. All I can do is send you a virtual hug and hope that life is kinder to you in the future. All my best to you and your family.

  • Sarah

    September 5, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    I felt so much of the same things when I miscarried in February. So much anger and so many “whys”. I’m still struggling with my faith a bit… Like you said, I know all the platitudes and verses and what I should be doing, but it’s so hard when you feel a loss so deep and profound. My heart is breaking for you, and I’ve had you in my thoughts and prayers as well. Praying God will bring us both peace soon. <3

  • Christy Franc Brown

    September 6, 2013 at 1:58 am

    It is very OK. Know that we are all still here thinking of you all and praying for some kind of peace and strength. Still heartbroken with you. Love and hugs!

  • Alexa

    September 5, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Oh honey. You are on my mind all day every day. It’s not fair. It sucks. I hate it. I wish so much I could shake a magic wand and fix you. I understand how you feel about the prayer. I felt like I prayed and prayed and no one was listening. 21 months later, I feel like I’ve finally let go of my anger, but I still can’t pray. I don’t know what to say anymore, or how to do it. But I know He is there. And we have faith in eternity. Hugs.

  • Heather McCallon Guymon

    September 6, 2013 at 1:37 am

    It's more than okay to question and be angry. You are grieving yet another loss. My heart breaks for you Diana. My prayers will NEVER stop for you and your family. Never.

  • Stefanie Miller

    September 6, 2013 at 1:31 am

    It is certainly ok to be angry with God and ask Him "why?" I think I will always wonder why I lost my son Chase. And you will probably alway wonder why you lost Preston, Julian and Kaden. But the great thing is He can handle our anger – and he knows how we feel anyways, so there's no need to try and hide your emotions. Praying for you and your family, Diana.

  • Meg

    September 5, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Your raw emotion and honesty have always been so refreshing. This situation sucks, plain and simple. There are no answers and that makes it even worse. While we can trust God and have total reliance on him, it is the essence of who we are to question this broken world and why things happen the way they do. Until creation has been redeemed, and Christ comes again, this state of questioning will be a major part of all of our journeys and I believe God not only understands this, but expects it. Thank you for sharing your journey, Diana. I pray for you daily and know God will reveal himself to you in time. I hope you write a book as part of your healing process. You have so much to offer.

  • Ashley Gurski

    September 5, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Yes yes yes. It is so so ok to be mad at God & question him. I’m so glad I learned that its ok. & YES! He can handle it. I’m angry right now for you. So many of us are. & we are questioning right along with you. I’ve been at that point with baby loss grief where you can’t even be sad. Because you are literally numb. Hollow. There’s just, nothing. I love you.

  • Donna Graning Schennum

    September 6, 2013 at 1:21 am

    I pray you do feel His presence. I understand your "struggling" with your faith. I get that..as I'm experiencing that now as well. However, having experienced His presence before, I want that again, and for you, too. Prayers and hugs…. Peace be with you.

  • Karla Lohaus-Fast

    September 6, 2013 at 1:20 am

    You are right. God can handle it–much better than we can. As humans, we would just get mad if you kept asking. That's because we just don't have the answers. One of my first questions in heaven will be why, too. In my case, I see some answers, but not everyone can know. God doesn't tell us why. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish it could be any way different from what it is. We keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

  • Teresa

    September 5, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    I love your honesty and I admire your strength to keep writing/sharing. Sending so much love. And prayers too. Xoxoxo

  • Andrea

    September 5, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Amber’s words above were beautiful.

    I have my own beliefs, as well, and just want you to know as my new year starts I carry you and your family, your loved ones, here and gone, in my heart. I hope you find strength as these days pass so you remain standing, and I believe that you are entitled to ask as many questions as you want. That is your right. All of our absolute right. Much live, Diana.

  • Candace

    September 5, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    I came across your blog last year while I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I remember reading what had happened to your twins and thinking to myself, “that is so sad, thank God that isnt going to happen to me. It couldnt.” Somehow I was completely dumb if you will and thought that something like that absolutely couldnt but wouldnt happen to ME.. Well boy was I wrong. In October of 2012 at 16 weeks pregnant I went to have an elective ultrasound to find out the gender of that baby, I went in SO excited only to be told to go directly to my doctor’s office. I knew at that moment that SOMETHING was wrong, but I guess I was in denial.. When I arrived and saw my doctor I then learned that my baby, my 2nd son, CADEN, his heart had stopped beating. I remember thinking “THAT BLOG I READ! It happened TO ME. HOW? WHY?” I was so cold and numb, my husband didnt really know how to react so he just catered to me as much as he could. The following day I was forced to have a “3rd party” do an ultrasound to “make sure” it was what it was.. that was torture, then I had to do the UNIMAGINABLE and give birth to him. He was so tiny, about 4 inches, so perfect, just too tiny for earth. My son didnt grasp it all, and Im actually thankful for that because I wouldnt want him to feel my pain, it was too much for an adult much less a 3 year old child. When I learned that you were expecting again I was so happy for you and your family! Though I was still bitter about losing my Caden, I was so glad that you got another chance and I prayed for the best outcome possible for you! Shortly after that, in January, I learned that I was expecting again! I was thrilled, but this time TERRIFIED, knowing for sure what could happen. I wasnt dumb this time, I knew that bad things could happen to good people, people that want it so badly. When you had Kaden and announced his name, my heart DROPPED! Not only because it was just odd to know you named your miracle son the same name of the one I lost, but it SCARED me. Almost like I lost my Caden, and it scared me so badly that maybe it was just some weird thing about that name. STUPID, I know.. but THEN it happened. You lost Kaden, and my heart BROKE into pieces! Now we’ve both lost our Caden/Kaden’s.. it isnt fair! I am so so so sorry for your loss. I cant explain how sad I was to hear that news, I broke down to my husband about it because NOW, IM SCARED AGAIN! At nearly 34 weeks pregnant I felt almost in the clear until I heard this. Mind you, Ive signed the paperwork to have a tubal ligation after the birth of this baby, and though I do feel confident in this pregnancy I am now so so afraid that I will give birth to a seemingly healthy baby, get my tubes tied, and then go through what you went through with Kaden. Im terrified. I dont know what to think about the situation.. but its coming soon. I just wanted you to know how oddly similar things were in our cases.. different yes, but still kind of the same. I pray for you anf your family. I hope you can find peace, and I hope and pray that you get to bring home a healthy baby one day in the near future. Not that it would make up for any of your losses or anything of that sort, but just because its obviously what you want, another child. I hope this isnt too imposing or rubs your the wrong way at all.. I do pray that you and your family heal.

    1. alexis

      September 5, 2013 at 8:21 pm

      This was such a strong story. I know its dumb but I have felt so terrible about Diana’s losses. I have felt so mad for her and angry… so many people have and do but yours actually has a connection to it… I hope your outcome is happy. <3

  • Amber

    September 5, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    I don’t believe like a lot of people. I don’t believe that this was part of His plan, or he needed another angel, or anything like that. I won’t get into what I do believe because I don’t think this is the place or time for that.

    I do believe that God hurts with you. And that he can bring you comfort, and I pray each night that he does, because I can’t even pretend to imagine what it’s like to go through this.

  • Meredith @ La Buena Vida

    September 5, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    I’ve been thinking about you so much Diana, and covering your sweet family in prayer. I have no answers, no words that are even close to adequate. But I just wanted to add my encouragement that you’re so right–God can handle ANY emotion you throw at him. Never be afraid to let Him have it. All of it.

  • Elise N Hoffman

    September 6, 2013 at 12:59 am

    I think God loves honesty. Acting as though you felt any other way would be dishonest. There's nothing to be gained by it. God might not answer why, and if He did, the answer probably would not make it hurt any less. But I do pray He draws very near to you and holds you so close in His arms that you can feel it. Praying that when you go to sleep tonight you will sense that you are resting in His hands.

  • Jen

    September 5, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Many hugs! I think God understands where you are, and I pray you feel his arms around you

  • Melissa

    September 5, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    My heart breaks for you all. I think of you every day and am always asking God why this had to happen to you again. But, I have not stopped praying for you and your sweet family. Lots of love.

  • Sarah

    September 5, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Oh Mama. Every word I could possibly hope to type to bring you comfort falls short. Just want you to know that you and your sweet family have been in my heart the last few weeks. And you’re still there. <3

  • Danielle Brigance

    September 6, 2013 at 12:49 am

    I'm just so sorry. And I have no answers because I am asking God why, for you. There just aren't words. But I hope you feel our prayers.

  • Bernadette Gillespie

    September 6, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Lot's of hugs and prayers sent your way. The pain never ceases, you just get stronger to carry it <3.

  • Amy Hartling

    September 6, 2013 at 12:48 am

    No amount of sorry makes the pain go away. Praying for you in the middle of your lostness!

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