You know what’s kinda tough?

September 20, 2013

When you’re 7/8 weeks postpartum and still look it.

With no baby.

And as much as I try to remind myself it truly doesn’t matter in the overall picture, it still hurts. My body is a reminder of what I should have. I’m not really looking for advice or sympathy or anything, it’s just on my mind. I’ve already done this once with losing twins and looking full term.

I would have been ok with looking postpartum and lugging around a little one. Instead I have an almost 4 year old and look possibly pregnant. And I’ve been asked that. That’s a fun question to answer after your baby dies.

I tend to forget how I’m still less than two months out from having a baby. In the hospital my feet swelled so bad that my friend and the nurses would all scold me for standing up. I just now “healed” this past week from all the tearing and general baby having stuff. My hormones are still crazy.

But I’m trying to give myself some grace on the physical side. I’d love to just have snapped back to normal (plus 30lbs lighter) but that’s not how I was made. And this wasn’t an easy pregnancy physically so the recovery is probably longer than I anticipated.

I feel silly. All I’ve been through and my mind still draws to how I look. I think that’s just part of being a woman but it sure doesn’t make this any easier.

Dangit. I hate going through this again. So much. I wish Kaden was here snuggled up next to me.

33 Comments

  • Ang

    September 29, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Your story is so touching. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and I continue to pray for you! I am also a beachbody coach and hosting monthly accountability groups to keep you motivated to loose your weight. I will personally coach you every step of the way. Email me if your interested. Stay strong mama!

  • lifestyleimagery

    September 21, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Your body has housed and continues to house so much love and you are one of the greatest and most honest testimonies of faith I have ever encountered. I hope as the love of all your family and friends and readers washes over you, you feel some relief – which we all pray for dearly.

  • Lizzi; Considerer (@LRConsiderer)

    September 20, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    There’s nothing at all silly about how you’re feeling. It’s all perfectly normal in the circumstances. I just wish they were better circumstances for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Laura W.

    September 20, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Diana, I weaned my toddler, cold turkey, last week & for a solid 48 hours I was in a lot of pain and I just kept thinking about you & how you have been in physical pain along with emotional pain and I just prayed for you. I know we’ve never met but you’re on my heart & in my prayers. “…In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” –John 16:33 {<<HOPE}

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    September 20, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Wish Kaden was snuggled up with you too. Hugs mama. <3

    Also PP weight can suck it. I'm 18 mths PP and still have 'baggage'. Sucky 🙁

  • Erin@ Sweetness Itself Blog

    September 20, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    <3

  • Elise N Hoffman

    September 20, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    I wish he were there with you, too. Sometimes life really rubs the salt in, doesn't it? 🙁

  • christine

    September 20, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Love you from afar! You are courageous even if you don’t feel that way. Praying grace.

  • Kersten Elizabeth

    September 20, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Reading the comments on this, it is so hard. There are so many of us that don't have our babies. So many that have gone through the things that dear Diana has had to go through TWICE! I am saddened but also comforted knowing that others know the pain and that I am not alone. Diana, thank you again for speaking out. It would have been a much harder road for me the past year if I had not found your blog. Praying for you.

  • Stephanie R

    September 20, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Hugs lady. <3

  • Jennifer Egbert Morgan

    September 20, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    I haven't had to deal with these kind of bills but I know too well what it's like to pay monthly for a baby you don't have. How long we'll be paying on our dream baby, I don't know. I do know that I'd be a board member and a major contributor to your fund. (Also I'm totally willing to do spa quality control.)

  • Mikenandrea Sterling

    September 20, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I so get that. And also-the medical bills. So fun to STILL be paying off bills for a baby you don't have. If I ever become a multi-millionaire, I'm so starting a fund that will cover all bills for moms who lose their little ones. It just adds insult to injury to get that bill every month as a painful reminder. And after reading this, what the heck-i'll add a spa stay for those same moms. I can afford to be generous with my pretend fortune. Praying for you, and for the rough journey once again down that painful road. You are such a great example and inspiration.

    1. Rebecca

      September 20, 2013 at 6:38 pm

      Amen! I’d love to contribute to that fund,

  • Melissa

    September 20, 2013 at 12:19 pm

  • Julie Ketter

    September 20, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Yes, I hated that part too. I also felt silly for my still-round belly crossing my mind when I had no baby to hold in front of it. It felt like just one more knife in me. Not as painful as the rest by any stretch but still painful. <3

  • amandahoyt

    September 20, 2013 at 11:56 am

    there are no words. only love and hugs and prayers coming your way.
    LOVE YOU
    <3 Julian, Preston & Kaden <3

  • Kristin

    September 20, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Hugs!

  • Sara

    September 20, 2013 at 11:35 am

    My heart aches for yours. Prayers your way.

  • Shawna

    September 20, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I went through the same thing when I lost my son a few years ago. 2 months after I was at the mall and some little girl asked me if I was going to have a baby. I can’t even remember what I told her before I fled to cry. And, when I went to WIC a couple of weeks after, there was a sticky note on the outside of my folder with the details of what happened and the guy was like “didnt you bring your baby with you today??” I responded with “I lost my baby. If you would bother to read my information on the sticky note, you would know this.” He was embarrassed ad I was still raw with grief. It hurts, no way around that, and being reminded every day is nearly unbearable. But somehow, you get through it. I wish you all the best. You’re beautiful.

  • Molly

    September 20, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I’m sorry, Diana. This is just awful that you have to deal with this on top of your grief. And I think it’s unfortunately society and the media that makes us feel like we have to be in such a rush for our bodies to be back to normal after we have babies 🙁

  • April Shaw Rains

    September 20, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Totally understand and boy does that look in the mirror show us how vain we all are. My problem is medicine related but trust me that isn't what the person walking through the grocery store thinks lol.It is well worth at least one well fitting outfit that does as much as possible to make you feel comfortable. Or a pedicure something for you. Hugs

  • busymommymedia

    September 20, 2013 at 11:14 am

    When we lost our son, dealing with the baby weight afterwards was so emotional. I didn’t want the physical reminder of what had happened. I hated strangers asking when I was due. On the flip side I didn’t have the energy to commit to losing the weight because I just wasn’t there yet. I felt silly for worrying about my weight when I had so many other concerns but it was what I saw when I looked in the mirror and I realize now that it was a way I could learn to be gentle with myself during that time.

  • Mary Evelyn Smith

    September 20, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    That is so much more than kind of tough. And you are allowed to feel anything you want during this time. I think about you often. Lots of prayers and love coming your way.

  • Meg

    September 20, 2013 at 11:10 am

    I love that you are so brave! Thanks for sharing your story…you are amazing!

  • Jen

    September 20, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I dont think it is silly either! After losing my 1st child, I still had the “after effects” from birth and it was not good and certainly didnt help me grieve. Go easy on yourself sweet lady! you have tons of people supporting you and praying for you!

  • Becky @ bybmg

    September 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I was thinking about you in relation to this the other day…. hugs.

  • Sherri

    September 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Whenever I see a woman who appears to be pregnant, I just bite my tongue… You just never know someone’s story. I am sorry that you have such constant reminders…

  • Becky Goerend

    September 20, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I was thinking about you in relation to this the other day…. hugs.

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife

    September 20, 2013 at 11:04 am

    It’s not a silly thing at all. I imagine it’s a very painful reminder at times, literally and emotionally. You are a beautiful woman, no matter the size of your jeans.

  • Devon

    September 20, 2013 at 11:03 am

    i remember feeling the same way when my twins died and even when my other 2 children were in the NICU. ((hugs)) Be gentle with yourself.

  • story3girl

    September 20, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I was just listening to an interview with Brene Brown and Katherine Center where they talk about how body image issues aren’t just about vanity, at all. They’re about the concept that has been inextricably cut into our mind that our appearance is associated with our ability to be loved and to belong. Which are pretty much the most important things.

    So you feeling insecure and wishing you looked different? Is nothing to feel silly or ashamed about. And it’s so unfair how it happened. And I can tell you that I think you’re beautiful and that the physical marks of something really important and forever meaningful that you did and that happened to you. But I mostly want you to know that everything you feel is valid and okay and that you are amazing. That your vulnerability and openness about all of this is such a gift. You’re in my heart, sweet friend.

  • jess d

    September 20, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Diana, I am almost 3 months postpartum without my daughter and going through the same thing. I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter but it really does add an extra layer of frustration to the grief when trying to find something that will fit when I don’t get to have the baby that I gained this weight for.

  • KK @ the mom diggity

    September 20, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Love you sweet lady.

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