Oh God, How I Need You

October 3, 2013

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I’m sitting right here as I type this out on my phone. Drinking coffee. Finishing such an amazing book. Avoiding eye contact with the clutter. Jynx is curled up next to me, we’ve talked about how tired he is lately. Our old kitty. Sam is asleep on the couch, Bella’s pink blanket tossed over him. She’s in her room, napping although I think she might still be awake talking “bery quietly to her animals.”

And I’m here. Pondering. Wondering what life will be like for us a month, 6 months, a year from now. What does God have in store? It’s slightly terrifying at this point. O_o

This isn’t what I thought my life would be. You know?

I feel calm and yet – halted. As if the pursuit of what I thought I’d need to have in my life (more children) has been put on hold in such a way that there is no other option for a while. We sprung into adoption so quickly after losing the boys. Got pregnant one month after the adoption fell through. Now the doors to more children are firmly shut for a while, and it leaves us to truly focus on our daughter, our marriage, our life. My writing. My faith. My God.

I don’t know what God has planned. I’ve heard many times that “something amazing is coming” for us, and I tend to think that way too. But this isn’t a movie. I have no guaranteed Hollywood ending, and longing for that makes me remember that many people would want so much what I have now. It’s hard to be thankful for earthly things though – when it’s compared with a loss of life. It might be easier if I’d really wanted a new car and instead got a bicycle.

To be thankful for what we have because part of it came from losing three sons?

That’s rough. It feels like I’ve cheapened their lives in a way to be thankful for earthly things like a house or great job. And yet I am thankful. I’m thankful their lives are part of our story and they mattered. I’m thankful that I get to share about them to a large audience. I’m thankful people loved them and us enough to want to help. I’m thankful for a community that sees them as more than a loss and us as more than “that poor family.” I’m thankful that I still can have my passion of writing in the midst of all this. I’m thankful for a husband, a daughter, a home, a family, and friends who get this as best as anyone humanly can. Still I wonder, “What if this is it? What if there is no more to our life?”

You might think, “That can’t be! God will bless you with _____” but y’all – did we ever think we’d be here again? No. That shakes my faith in the “good things to come” mantra. Good things were here. What else could compare to that?

Yet, in this season of wondering and waiting, God is teaching to be thankful in ways I don’t really want to be. To give a little more grace (this is hard). To lean on Him when I throw my hands up and say, “I don’t understand. I truly don’t. It all seems so unfair and awful. WHY ME?” He teaches me that it was always going to be me that had this life. And the life that is coming. Whatever that is, my story was written long before I pondered what it was going to be like to be 30. And it’s mine in a month or a year.

And it’s always been His too.

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Matt Maher

33 Comments

  • Elena Ballam

    February 19, 2014 at 7:40 am

    I started reading your blog today and just want to tell you how much your story has touched me, and speaks to me. I know no one wants to be a hero, and no one wants to be seen as the symbol of strength and endurance after a tragedy, but sometimes we are thrust into these roles without a choice. My story is a bit different than yours, but in the past 1.5 years I have had two miscarriages, a long stretch of infertility, and lost my dad very suddenly at 58 years old. The grief has been all consuming and all powerful. I can’t even celebrate the fact that I am pregnant again because I am paralyzed by the thought of loss, yet somewhere in the back of my mind I just know I need to let what happens happen and let God play this one out–I can’t control it.

    The reason I was especially prompted to reply to this post is that you quoted the Lord, I need you song by Matt Maher. My dad had texted this song to me and my siblings just a few days before he died, and we played it at his funeral. I see it as his final, divine gift to us, and even though it kills me to hear the song, I also see the beauty in it and in the words he left behind for us. I’m believing, even on my weakest days, that somehow, I will get through this and death will not be my only story.

  • cochuveetil john rajan

    October 29, 2013 at 6:02 am

    i really am praying for you an d your family as i am also in the same boat as you as i have lost my job and with no financial help it is difficult to live but on assuming that god will help the life goes on

  • Eric N Wendy Johnson

    October 5, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    I love this song….praying for you and your family.

  • Rebecca

    October 5, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Love you friend 🙂

  • Stacy Kaye

    October 4, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Wow…thank you for sharing this. Wow. To sit and rest in the right now and how much we need Him. We need Him regardless of who we are or where we are at. Whether we have what we "think" we need or not…ultimately we need Him. You bless me…you remind me and show me what faith looks like in action. Thank you.

  • Kir Piccini

    October 4, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    I’m thinking of you and praying every day for your heart, for some peace or comfort, for whatever will help.

    sending love.

  • Sara B

    October 4, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I just started the Beth Moore study on Esther, and the subtitle is, “It’s Tough Being a Woman.” In the video last night, she was talking about Esther being an orphan, and then she was telling a story about her mother-in-law losing two daughters. She said sometimes we just think that our lives weren’t supposed to turn out . Beth said, “You can’t amputate your history from your destiny.” I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this, but your post immediately brought that study to mind.

  • AlainaFrederick

    October 4, 2013 at 11:10 am

    I don’t know what He has in store for you either but I can say this journey you have been on – heart-wrenching, terrifying and at moments utterly blessed journey is blessing so many. As others read your words, your broken moments, the waver and then steadfast strength of your faith – it’s powerful. I thank you for always being so open and transparent and I pray for untold blessings upon your family.

  • thisblessedbliss

    October 3, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Thanks so much for always sharing your heart- your faith in the midst of trials has encouraged my heart as you’ve been so transparent during this journey.

  • Jennifer Burden

    October 4, 2013 at 3:38 am

    I second Mathilde! I think you'd make a great child advocate, Diana. 🙂

  • Katie Shannon

    October 3, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Your faith just astounds me, I mean, you are just so brave. And that song has been in my head all day, mostly because I can’t seem to stop listening to the influence conference playlist on spotify, but gosh how that song can apply to everyone no matter where life is taking them.

  • Haley

    October 3, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I really needed this right now. Thank you.

  • Deanna Roy

    October 3, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    I too sometimes wonder about talking about ordinary things when it seems that because people are listening, I should be saying Big Things. Life on a public stage, especially when grief has been a large part of it, is sometimes hard to navigate. You're doing great.

  • Sharyn

    October 3, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Diana,
    Your readers love you so much! I am not only inspired by your strength and profound faith, but also in the wisdom of your readers, the ones who have taken the time to pour out their soul to you. I feel like I’ve just been in Church.
    Love you too.

  • Marlen

    October 3, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    That is one of my favorite songs. Praying for your sweet family as you continue to walk this journey of grief.

  • Margaret

    October 3, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    What a beautiful post, and so utterly true. Each of our lives was always ours to have. Thank you for courageously sharing honestly.

  • mommymoxie

    October 3, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I wish I had some sage words of wisdom, but I don’t. Just virtual hugs and lots and lots of prayers. Prayers that your heart heals enough so that it doesn’t constantly feel like it’s been ripped apart. Prayers that you and your family can find a semblance of peace. But most of all, prayers that God has awesome and amazing things in store for you. xoxo

  • Nannette and The Sweetheart

    October 3, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Love that song and we all love you. I keep thinking of the Matt Redman song,

    Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm,
    Oh no, you never let go, every high and every low,
    Oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me!

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
    Your perfect love is casting out fear
    And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
    I won’t turn back
    I know you are near

    And I will fear no evil
    For my God is with me
    And if my God is with me
    Whom then shall I fear?
    Whom then shall I fear?

    And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on!
    A glorious light beyond all compare
    And there will be an end to these troubles
    But until that day comes
    We’ll live to know You here on the earth!

    Hold on Diana, He will never let go of you, whether you see the answers clearly or not, take it one day at a time, enjoy the good moments with your sweet family and give God praise. He is holding you!! ♥

    1. Rebecca

      October 3, 2013 at 9:23 pm

      I love that song, we use it a lot at church. Today I was also listening to Never Let Go from Manafest. It felt like a love song from Jesus to all who are living through trying times.

  • Heather Cioch

    October 3, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I love that song too.

  • Meg

    October 3, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    It’s easy to look at your issues and think “someone else is happy with what I have.”

    Please just remember that, just because other people might have worse (or more difficult, or different) problems than you, it does not mean your problems don’t matter. A situation is not considered by the severity of all situations in the world, a situation is measured by the severity to the situations YOU have faced. To measure it in any other way would be completely unfair.

  • Mathilde Inge

    October 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Have you thought about being a child advocate? With all that you have had to fight for with your babies you would be a perfect fit.. XO

  • Robin

    October 3, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    I’m so sorry and praying for you often! Wanted to share a blog with you..www.vaporandmist.wordpress.com. The author has recently lost an infant daughter and although her circumstances are different than yours, I believe you both could speak life to one another.

  • elizabethclements

    October 3, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Let my life be the Proof of Your Love!

  • (Mrs.) Mary Lichlyter

    October 3, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    In the midst of your grief, I can tell how grounded you are. The rug has been pulled out from under you, as it were, and you wonder if there’s a future and a hope. But while you may feel life is almost hopeless, underneath it I see you are not without hope – not so much the emotion of hope but the real thing that goes beyond emotion. Sometimes the hardest, HARDEST thing to do is just to wait. George MacDonald wrote, “She hoped as much as she could. And when she could no longer hope, she did not stand still, but walked on in the dark. I think when the sun rises upon them, some people will be astonished to find how far they have got on in the dark.”

  • Kristin Anne Smith

    October 3, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    This is the exact song that was in my head the moment I woke up this morning.

  • Jennifer Dziak Waldo

    October 3, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    One of my favorite worship songs!

  • Katy

    October 3, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Our lives ARE written and we CAN trust them to the Author, hard as that may be. Each child you mothered—their life was written, and just because they are not physically here doesn’t mean their stories end. They began in YOU. They can continue through you. The darkest paths can often shine the brightest light—to others. You may just be that special light as you gracefully pour your heart upon paper. Praying for you. Praying for some “peek” behind that veil.

  • JusikaRenae

    October 3, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Oh love, I am at that point also. I spoke with another friend who’s experienced pregnancy loss further along also and she said that she prays every day for contentment. We lost what were babies and there will always be a gap or hole or what should have been. I am praying for you because this can bring quite a heavy heart sometimes.

  • Molly

    October 3, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    I wish I had a crystal ball, Diana. But then again – I don’t. We’re not meant to know the future and that both satisfies and terrifies me.

  • Stacy

    October 3, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    My sweet Lord
    Desperately
    I am alone And afraid to be
    My love is gone So far away
    I need my sweet Lord’s help today

    [CHORUS]
    Let your love shine down on me
    And light the way to be
    Oh, and these are the words that I pray
    I need my sweet Lord’s help today

    Blind is the fool
    I see that now
    I broke the rules
    And let you down
    I’ve walked alone
    Now I have run dry
    I need my sweet Lord’s help tonight

    [CHORUS]
    Let your love shine down on me
    And light the way to be
    Let your love shine down on me
    Oh, and these are the words that I pray
    I need my sweet Lord’s help today

    I need my sweet Lord’s help today (x3)

  • Elizabeth

    October 3, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    I just wanted to share my latest blog post with you, because I’m a little “lost” right now too. In limbo – stuck wondering where this will take us and yet not wanting to move on. Lots of love to you. http://www.trenchesofmommyhood.blogspot.com/2013/10/i-cant.html

  • Stacy

    October 3, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    I find comfort in this song and hope you can too.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E55JDKfEO4

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