18 Months on Repeat
I’ve sat here for a while wondering what to type.
I know what I want to. But it’s just the same thing. Over and over.
It’s just – I don’t understand. I want to write that so many times. I don’t get it. What happened? I’m still in shock. It’s surreal. What is going on?
what what what what what what what what
That’s all I feel like doing. Just asking why and what again and again until somehow I understand. It becomes clear. I can snap out of the confusion and actually feel like this all really happened.
Sam and I both said in therapy the other week – it’s like none of this even really happened. From the pregnancy till Kaden passed. It’s just some nightmare we watched someone else go through. A bad dream.
That’s how it feels. A bad dream that I can’t seem to shake. Not real. Not anything. Just this heavy, unending feeling of being lost and confused.
I don’t know when I will be able to feel differently, although I know at some point I will. You know. Having already done this before.
In therapy I feel like I’m just repeating the words of the past 18 months. Going through the motions to get to a point where I start to heal. Heal-ish. I’m so angry I have to do any of this again. I sit there and just think, “What in the heck? How am I here again?”
I don’t want to grieve. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to work through it or work at it or deal with it or anything. I want to push it all, all of it, away into a corner where I don’t think about it and it doesn’t ever hurt. Healthy? Nope. But that’s how I feel. And yet I’m not doing that.
I had this all put in a neat little box. I would be Diana who lost the twins in that awful hospital experience, but then had her rainbow baby. And I would be known for something else besides loss. THANK GOODNESS. It was all set.
Then he died.
Now here I am again. The baby loss blogger. I had someone ask (just curious) the other day, “Why do you feel that you have to be a voice for baby loss?” I wanted to scream, “I’m not! Oh I’m not, please don’t think that about me.”
But what a joke. Of course I am. There is not one part of my life – online or off – that loss doesn’t affect at this point. Loss permeates everything and you know what? I hate it. It bothers me so much when someone says something about me focusing on loss or not letting go because what the heck? At this point what else am I supposed to do? PRETEND THAT I DIDN’T LOSE 3 BABIES IN 15 MONTHS? I wonder if anyone can comprehend the amount I wish I didn’t have to do any of this, that I could just go back to a regular life or that it didn’t hurt so much. And then to do it publicly again – my choice of course but really. It’s helpful and hard.
18 months ago I held Preston and Julian as they died. 18 months today. If you’d told me that I’d be going through another loss of a full term baby in a year and a half, I don’t even know what I would have done. Thank God I didn’t know.
Repeat. My words, my world, my life just feels like one giant session of repeat.