I just finished doing the dishes. And as I placed the last one in the dishwasher and wiped off the counters, I realized for 15 minutes or so, all I’d done was replay the last moments with Kaden in my mind.
It happens all the time. Repetitive, mindless activities like cooking, showering, vacuuming, driving – I catch myself unconciously replaying it all over again until it’s so painful I snap myself back to reality and think on something else. Anything else.
Those last minutes with him on the hospital couch, Sam and Bella next to me. The hospital staff in the room. My parents at the back wall. Everyone crying. This lullaby playing I hope I never hear again. They were disconnecting the tubes from him after we said we were ready and I remember sobbing in terror, “Don’t disconnect the pain meds, please don’t let him be in any pain.” Just like with the twins. It was too much on top of everything else to even have a doubt they might be in pain in those last moments. Everyone assured me he wasn’t.
Then I just rocked and held him and wept and whispered over and over how much I loved him. Wrapped him against me in a little elephant blanket. Breathed in his baby smell. Marveled at his little perfect body and how for 3 weeks I’d ached to hold him without any wires or tubes. I finally got to and he was going to die.
And that’s all I can write about for now.