The Good Wife had an episode where a woman who’d lost her husband told her lawyers, “They say you should wait 6 months after a loss to make any major decisons.” (Paraphrasing as I can’t seem to find the quote.)
That day was 6 months since her husband had passed. She then promptly fired them and brought in new ones.
It’s hard to not rush into something happy, something different, after a traumatic event. When you’ve expected life to change and it doesn’t – it really leaves you grasping at, “What now?”
After Preston and Julian, we leapt into adoption a month later. When that fell through we got pregnant with Kaden a month later. When he died, we had to move either to North Carolina or a new home here and we picked here. That was our big change and it was a very good one. I’m glad we chose to stay here but in a new home.
But now I feel a million different things at any moment. I feel this need to FIGURE IT ALL OUT family wise. Now.
Then I also feel like I’m enjoying the boring. I love the slower pace of life after nearly 2 years of high risk pregnancies and loss.
Yet Bella is 4 with no earthly siblings in sight.
We still long to adopt. Sam brings it up in therapy more than I do now.
I’m happy with my work but wonder if that’s ok. If I should be looking for something else outside of work.
I feel restless and yet only pulled that way because I’m not really sure how to feel content right now.
We didn’t rush into any life changes this time. Partly because we can’t. Partly because we don’t want to. It’s still there though. A wondering of where we go now.
I pray as we wait that God guides us to a very, very clear direction. No wondering, no rushing, no hesitation. If I’m supposed to just have Bella and throw myself into her and work and being a wife, I’m ok with that for now.
And if He decides to lead us to adoption again, I’m ok with that too.
We are in a waiting period. I don’t particularly like it. I’d rather have it all laid out in front of me. Labeled and color coded. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever allowed myself to just be. To write. To work. To mother. To find out who I am again without a pregnancy or anxiety or being sick. I haven’t been able to mother Bella since she was 2 without being ill or sad.
So I’m impatient, and I often wonder if this is it. If this is all God has planned for us, my life just goes like this from here on out and that’s all?
I have no control over my waiting time. It’s maddening and comforting. All at once. When you’ve prepared for so much for so long –
I don’t know.
I hope God has more than just this planned for our lives here. On earth. I really do. I have a hope in heaven, but I don’t know that I have the same hope for this earthly life anymore. Not in the way I had hoped for. It’s different now. Realistic.
I wonder about what people mean when they say, “Hang in there!” to me when I post about something sad.
Hang in there for…? What exactly are we all expecting to happen?
But I’m trying to come to terms with the here and now. Living in this moment since I’ve spent so many past ones waiting for the future that never came.