With an entire month devoted to being thankful on the social media platforms, it’s been a real time of reflection for me. This year it’s hard to let myself be thankful. Not for the big things. Bella, Sam, my family, friends, financial security, a home, being safe, having us healthy – I’m always beyond grateful for these. It’s the other stuff I struggle with.
It isn’t because I’m not thankful for what we have.
It’s because I am, and then I feel guilty.
Many of the things I am thankful for are tied into loss. So much so that at times it feels so petty to be thankful for them at all.
It’s a constant battle in my head to be ok with being grateful for my life. I want to be able to just post, “Day 15 – so thankful for sleeping in!” or “Day 22 – thankful for my job!” without also having the raging thoughts of, “But you only have this because of what happened so…”
Hard to explain how this feels. I really don’t even understand. Although I know these aren’t silly things to be thankful for, inside my heart just screams, “Some of the things you should be the most thankful for are gone so little material things don’t matter!”
They still do matter to me. And I’m working on that being ok.
So this Thanksgiving, I am trying to be immensely aware of and thankful for the small things, even though they may have come out of loss or seem trite next to having my sons here. I’m thankful for my job, my car, cold weather, Stitch Fix arriving at the right times, speaking at Influence, my iPhone making life easier, playdates, old books that flash me back to childhood, our fireplace, that Sam told me he loves watching Walking Dead with me, clean toilets, fresh laundry, plantation shutters on our windows, the way Charlie stares at me from across the room waiting to jump on my face, Schwans for nights I don’t want to cook, and Modern Family for a dependable laugh on tough nights.
Thinking of so many of us who will sit down tomorrow and see a different table than one we pictured in months before. May your heart find happiness in the small things as best it can. They matter too.