Slamming the Door on 2013

December 31, 2013

A year ago, I wrote how I didn’t hate 2012. That although it had been a rough year losing Preston, Julian, and an adoption – I was pregnant and looking forward to 2013.

Reading that makes me want to shake myself, but you know. Hindsight.

So here’s what I think on the eve of 2014 (I have no idea what I’m going to write, but I won’t edit, so hold onto your Easter bonnets):

I’m over it. This year was bullshit. I’m glad it’s gone, I know tomorrow I’ll wake up the same person in the same house with the same story but I hated this year in so many ways. We got screwed over in our family and I feel cheated out of a year I spent the majority of sicker than a dog and trying so.damn.hard to get to full term any way I could and doing everything I was told only to have a third baby boy die. This time I got to actually hold and love and bond with him before he was snatched away after weeks of pain and suffering we had to watch him endure.

I NEVER pictured that last year. Never.

It’s crap. It’s messed up. I’m so angry and pissed off that 2013 turned out shittier than 2012 even was. I can’t wait to slam the door in it’s face

BUT

I’m terrified of what 2014 has in store for us.

You can’t blame me, right? I don’t have any great hopes or ideas for 2014. I just want to get through it. Unscathed. No more death – is that too much to ask for God? Maybe you can leave us alone this year? That’d be great.

I don’t have any resolutions except not to get my hopes up.

I’m sure what I’m typing (without editing!) is very unChristian, sacrilegious, and unladylike – and if you could see how little I care so many people would be even more appalled. But I feel like just waving my shock and awe card in God’s face and daring Him to do more. Go ahead. 

And spare us the Bible verses or sayings – this is my phase of grief and unless you’ve lost 3 children and had a failed adoption in 18 months you can’t fathom what this is like. I’m not renouncing God, just trying to redefine a relationship with Him where we seem to be on the receiving end of the short stick for things like – life and death.

Goodbye 2013. Whatever this next year brings us, please don’t let it be as terribly hard, sad, and soul wounding as you were to my little family. We can’t take a whole lot more.

 

100 Comments

  • Amy

    April 14, 2014 at 2:49 am

    I could’ve written this myself!! Although my 2013 was acceptable my 2010/2011/2012 was not! And I have not lost a baby in the way you have. Ever. Let alone 3!! I admire that you write about this and even more the raw unedited version of your heart.

  • Ivana

    March 13, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    You are an amazing woman. In my opinion it’s ok to be angry with God. The story that if good happens it’s a blessing, and if it goes south, it’s God’s will and He knows better is crap! I am so very sorry that someone needed to go through so much. Hope 2014 is treating you well.
    Ivana

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  • Ainslie

    January 29, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Diana, I wish you an AMAZING 2014!! Everyone deserves to blow off some steam and get mad, so please vent when you need to. I’m not Christian, but I would imagine everyone questions their faith at some time, and it’s totally normal and ok. You have my support.

  • Simone

    January 28, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Diana,

    You’ve been on my heart since I first read this post. I know that you are hurting. Can I encourage you to hope in God? As believers, that’s all we can trust in and hope in. My words, everyone else’s words will fail and will pass away, but only the Word of the Ever-Loving God will endure forever.

    {{{{{Love}}}}}

    God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
    They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
    I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.
    God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
    It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
    It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.
    When life is heavy and hard to take,
    go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
    Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
    Wait for hope to appear.
    Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
    The “worst” is never the worst.
    Why? Because the Master won’t ever
    walk out and fail to return.
    If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
    His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
    He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
    in throwing roadblocks in the way:
    ~Lamentations 3: 22-33

  • Sarah K Durocher

    January 22, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    I just read this and have tears in my eyes. I want to thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for putting into words what I myself have felt. And know its ok. God understands and He wants you to redefine that relationship with Him. He gave us emotions to feel, so don't be hard on yourself about that. 🙂

  • Simone

    January 20, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Praying for you. I have lost three babies over the years, and I can’t imagine suffering in this way in such a short time span as you have. I know that after suffering through multiple sexual abuses as a child and every loss that it was only the grace of God that caused me not to lose my mind. Praying for you.

  • justmeforever

    January 12, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    Fuck 2013.
    Hope my language doesn’t scare any Jen type humans out there but language exists for a purpose, to express how we feel.
    Fuck cancer, Fuck miscarriages, and Fuck funerals for children. Anger is an appropriate response. From across the ocean and the internet, you are heard and you are awesome.
    As a wise fish once said in Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming’ it never really hurts less but you get used to carrying the pain, mostly because you become stronger with it.

  • alwaysmy3boys

    January 11, 2014 at 3:38 am

    I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much loss, and in such a short space of time too. It just sucks, and it isn’t fair. Raw posts are good I think.

  • Carly

    January 10, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Diana,

    I am so, so sorry for your last couple of years. I first read your story when Kaden was fighting for his life, and I have never physically hurt for someone outside my family the way I did for you when he died. My heart aches for you, for your losses, and I cannot understand it. I have not had the most rosy life, and I have come to terms with the idea that I know God is control, but I am just SO scared of what He’s going to ask of me. I couldn’t get through it all without Him, but I can’t quite understand Him either. So many prayers for you.

  • Grace Moore

    January 10, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Ha! Language? Really? I had to scroll up and read it again because I didn’t notice any “language.” Must be because my son died too, and when you are a mother who doesn’t get to hug her child,well, I guess you don’t notice such things. It’s a much different world now, especially when someone asks,”How many children do you have?” That question can render me speechless over and over again. Once someone actually asked,”What’s the matter, you can’t remember how many kids you have?” Let it out, Diana because as we all know, “the truth will set you free.” I don’t recall it declaring the truth had to be presented in any special way, it simple needs to be the truth and I heard your truth, loud and clear. Hugs to you, dear mama.

  • B

    January 9, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    I am truly thankful for being courageous enough to share your life. I was so happy when I found your post about your pregnancy at “13 weeks and 4 days”, I just reached my 13 weeks and 2 days today. As I was reading more and more of your posts, I sadly found out about your boys. It brought back the memories of loss and the deep pain I know will never end. 2013 was the worst and the best year for us. Back in May we found out we were expecting our very first baby. We were so happy. However, I had a missed miscarriage by the end of my first trimester. It was awful. My baby was dead for 2 weeks and I didn’t even know it or felt it. To say the least I really hated everyone and everything. But mostly myself, for letting myself fall in love, get married and get pregnant…and for wanting to have a normal life and a family of my own. I hated my life and I hated God. I haven’t say this to anyone. I tried to show my family I was ok. But I wasn’t.

    Even now that I am supposedly past the ‘critical stage’ of a regular pregnancy, I’m scared and totally jaded. All the happiness for a new chance to be a mom gets erased most days by the constant worry that something might go wrong at any point.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though we try to be strong and be ok…we just aren’t and never will be. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for being blessed with my first unborn baby and for this second one…but I do sometimes, like you, I want to say out loud that live pretty much sucks and dear “bad months of 2013″…you sucked!…and I do not want to see any of you back or be repeated on 2014 or any year for that matter! And God, give us a break!

  • Rebecca Burgess Clingenpeel

    January 9, 2014 at 6:31 am

    I just found your blog tonight. I'm so thankful that I did. You see, I'm sitting here recovering from the D&E I just had today. I was 15 weeks pregnant with a little boy, he passed away sometime recently, but before I go there please allow me to give a little background information. I'm married, living in Utah and have 5 living, children. Son 11 ,son 9, daughter 5, son 3, son 2. My husband and I had our first 2 children easily, after 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments our daughter joined our family through the blessing of adoption, 14 months later her baby brother joined our family. When our new baby boy was 2 months old I got pregnant. This 4th son suffered IURG( inter uterine retarded growth) was born 6 weeks early at 4 lbs. We went from 2 to 5 children in 2 years and 1 month. When our youngest was 6 weeks old we discover he had a tumor on his neck. It ended up being a very rare tumor with no real standardized treatment protocols. We did 3 rounds of chemo with our wee little boy. Thankfully he is doing great and will be 3 at the end of January. August 2012 we heard from our adoption agency that our birth mom was pregnant with a baby girl and wanted us to adopt her. We prayed and felt strongly that Lucy Gail was to join our family. She was due at the end of September 2012. Our birth mother lives out of state and was due in Utah on August 27th. My neighborhood threw me the best shower to help prepare for our daughters arrival. I had less than 4 weeks to get ready and had given my older daughters clothes away when our last baby was a boy. Our birth mother never showed up in Utah, she stopped accepting calls from our agency and totally dropped off the face of the earth. We had no information and could only assume that she decided to parent. Weeks later we learned that she delivered in late August. Delivered… no further information, was the baby alive at delivery, stillborn, battling for her life as she was going through withdrawal? These and a million other questions haunted my heart and soul yet I was legally powerless to obtain answers. I started therapy to help me deal with my grief. In February 2013, my 46 year old brother died of an aortic aneurysm. October 13, 2013 my dear father passed away after a short illness. 2 weeks later I realized my period still hadn't arrived. This pregnancy was a shocker, I'm almost 40!!!! 6 children!!!! Did I dare allow myself to hope that this would work out. My dad JUST DIED!!! I feel great shame admitting that I wasn't jumping up and down excited the moment I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. My saving grace was knowing exactly how my father would have reacted if he'd been there. He would laugh and laugh and laugh, then he would take my hand look me in the eyes and say. "Becca, this is great, you're the strongest woman I know you and James and great parents and how can we help?" My husband and I live by a quote we heard as we were awaiting the birth of our daughter and living through that terrifying time of a first adoption. "Come what may and love it." This theme that I live my life by and a testimony that Heavenly Father has a plan for my life provided great comfort and strength, we eagerly began to plan for this new baby to join our family. With the first blood tests we were given cause to be cautious. I couldn't see my regular Dr. and had to be seen by a group of high risk perinatologists about every 10 days. Through genetic testing we learned we were to have another son. 5 boys and 1 girl, good thing she can hold her own with "the brothers", as she calls them. It seemed that at every appointment we heard good news, "We have a heart beat.", followed by a laundry list of concerns….bleeding, low fluid, very small abdomen, one vessel in the umbilical cord rather than the 2 that were needed, abnormal spine and cerebellum development. My appointment this Monday January 6, 2014 was meant to be a milestone, we were to get real answers. What we got was our sweet little boy had no heart beat. I have spent the last 3 days walking around feeling like a tomb for his little body. I had to come to terms with how his earthly shell would be leaving my body. I feel like I've failed him when logically I know that that is not true. I share my story not in an effort to compare battle wounds but to thank you for sharing yours. Thank you for voicing how I feel.

  • Ashley Wendt

    January 7, 2014 at 5:49 am

    2013 was an awful year. I'm angry too. My sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my mom died and my oldest son lost his first born (a beautiful baby boy) at 32 wks on dec 26th to preeclampsia. I'm devastated and have lost my faith. I am trying to get to back. I joined the fresh start on shereadstruth.com.

  • Jo

    January 5, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Much love to you, mama. Say whatever you need to say, however you need to say it.

    I hope 2014 isn’t bullshit like this year was for you.

  • She Reads Truth – Fresh Start

    January 5, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    […] 2013, Hello 2014 – Beth Anne says goodbye to 2013 much more elegantly than I did, but she’s often the yin to my yang and that’s why I love her. That and her fear of […]

  • Kami

    January 4, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Lots of love to you and your family. xoxo

  • Theresa S

    January 3, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I would have said a hell of a lot worse than what you did Diana. 2013 was sucky . And Jen wherever you are PISS OFF!

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    January 4, 2014 at 2:40 am

    It's alright to be pissed at God. He can take it and he understands it! That's how awesome and so much bigger he is than us!

  • Chelley Martinka

    January 3, 2014 at 3:37 am

    Let it out mama. You have every right. Every need. Being human is being christian. I wish you and your family all the happiness that has been missing in your 2013.

  • Kim

    January 2, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    I don’t blame you for being pissed! What you’ve been through is NOT FAIR!!! I hope that you and your family have a MUCH better year. Big hugs to you!!

  • Sarah

    January 2, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I haven’t lost 3 babies, but I did lose one too early. And I felt so much like you do. I was angry for quite a while, and you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to feel it, and let it out. I think God understands that. I mean, He loves us through much more of our crap, so I think He can handle us being angry at him. I hope 2014 is an infinitely better year for you. <3

  • Vicky

    January 2, 2014 at 9:43 am

    You’re right. It was bullshit what happened to you and your family. If someone can’t understand that, they need to learn some empathy!!!

  • rberger6

    January 2, 2014 at 9:05 am

    I don’t know you, but I love you. Vent away, and do what you need to do! Sending good thoughts and wishes for a better year.

  • Martha Tepper

    January 2, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    I found your blog awhile back because my niece is also a blogger and has mentioned you on her blog- I can't tell you how sad I am that you have been through so much. There are no words of comfort to offer when one has been through so much, but my heart, even though you don't know me, breaks for you and your family. Unfortunately, TIME is the great healer, and in your case, it may take a long time. I do hope that in the years to come you can still find the joy in the sun rising and setting every day, the smell of a summer day, the beauty of fall leaves- and know that because you are the wonderful person you are, you will always have love all around you. It's a miracle of the internet that love comes through even when friends have never met. This said by an older woman who went kicking and screaming into the world of technology and wrote a dissertation on a word processor. I'm glad that you can get the understanding and affirmation you need to say the things you need to say- you have every right. Glad you kicked 2013 to the curb, and sounds like you're ready to tackle 2014- this is one of those years when the only place for you to go is up!! Hang in there…..

  • Julia Jenson Geissler

    January 2, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    I have been following your blog for a while and have always been touched by what you have written from your heart.. I have been lifting you up to our Heavenly Father who knows all our needs. It is ok to be angry & upset. Many in the Bible felt abandoned by God and questioned him- Habakkuk, Job, David & Jeremiah to name a few.
    Thank you for your honesty. Praying that 2014 is full of many blessings, joys and answered prayers for you.

  • Rebecca

    January 2, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Love you, friend.

  • Sarah Jane

    January 1, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    I’m praying for you. I wish I could give you a hug, but a virtual one will have to do. {{{HUGS}}}.

  • Kiki

    January 1, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    Happy New Year to the Stone family!
    I lost my twins more than 20 years ago. It still hurts. I recently saw the C.S. Lewis play, The Great Divorce. Wow! It gave me a whole new perspective on my loss. My prayer for you is that the peaceful moments will increase and joy will abound in 2014! Many Blessings!

  • Abi S.

    January 1, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    I truly wish there was a way for me to take your pain and carry it for you. Een if just for a day. You so deserve a break from your pain, your grief, your heartache. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. F 2013. May God cut you some serious slack in 2014. And know there are so so many people whoare thinking about you each and every day. Hugs!!

  • Jenny

    January 1, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Diana, your year was bullshit and I’m SO sorry. I had hoped for a wonderful 2013 for you and was heartbroken for you when you lost Kaden. I PRAY for a happy healthy 2014 for your family.

  • Laura Barndt

    January 1, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    I don't think the way you're feeling and expressing your feelings is anything anyone (myself) hasn't experienced can touch or bring judgment to. Nobody wants ingenuine feelings, so, vent away. I'm sorry this was such a terrible year for you…again. I'm a newer reader, but I, for one, enjoy your raw writing, even when it comes as a result of sucky happenings. I can tell you are a strong lady, and I am praying for you — right now — that 2014 is the year you're in need of.

  • Cindy Bell Thinnes

    January 1, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    You have every right in the world to be angry with all that has happened in 18 months to you and your family. I honestly do not know how you cope…..but you just keep on keeping on!!! You will ALWAYS have my heart with you sweetheart! My love to you all!!

  • Sherri

    January 1, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Wow. Scrolling down to leave a comment and was floored by idiot Jen’s words. Diana, your pain is so raw and horrible, and this is your space to share that pain. Edited or not, the way you choose to share your grief is nobody’s business. I hope for peace and joy for your family in 2014…this year screwed you over.

  • Lynn Youlountas

    January 1, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Also, the “two words” you had for Jen were a lot nicer than the “two words” I woulda had for her. 😉 <3

  • Ruth Wright

    January 1, 2014 at 8:35 am

    Diana, you are a precious person. I can’t begin to understand all this but I know God is big enough to handle all our feelings, rants and hurts. Bless you sweet friend. I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are so very loved. xoxo

  • Sarah C. (@2pawsdesigns)

    January 1, 2014 at 8:27 am

    I get it and think you wrote this well. In the last year, I’ve suffered 2 miscarriages. The first was December 26, 2012. The Christmas prior we had to put down one of our cats (not a kid, but our cats were our kids before our son and still our family) on Christmas Eve. This year? I just begged God to let us have a happy holiday. Two years of crying through Christmas was enough. So, how did I spend the Sat before Christmas this year? On medication and in tears again over bad news regarding our family (not our immediate 3 this time, but close enough). While my experiences are different, I get the anger and want for a break. Praying for a better 2014 for your family and ours. Really, at some point the shit has to stop and the good has to win out. It’s time for that. ((HUGS)) and lots of love to you.

  • candacep02

    January 1, 2014 at 8:01 am

    Diana, you warned us readers that you were not going to editing this post! We are here for you to lean to, bitch at, cry to , and vent to! This is your “happy” place , where you like to pour your heart and soul out sista! I don’t care what you write, I love you “as a online blogger friend” 🙂 I hope 2014 brings much joy, and happiness to you and your super cute family !

  • JK

    January 1, 2014 at 7:45 am

    It took me so long to get to the “Leave a Reply” part because so many awesome people had so much to say in support of you! Please do not let “Jen” make you second guess one word that you wrote. In my experience, the Jen type ‘Christian’ missed the whole “Jesus didn’t judge ANYONE, EVER!” lesson. Stay strong in all you do…no matter what. Peace for your heart and soul in this new year.

  • Brandy

    January 1, 2014 at 6:16 am

    Oh I just love you to pieces. 2013 was an asshole of a year for so many people I know but yours takes the cake. Good riddance.

    And since I practically curse in my sleep, FUCK YOU JEN AND THE PINK SPARKLY HALO YOU MUST BE FUCKING WEARING. Stop commenting, you sack of cats. Make that your 2014 resolution.

    1. Nicole at Mommy Moxie

      January 5, 2014 at 5:43 pm

      All of this, right down to the sack of cats was so spot on Brandy. (lo-ooved it!) Diana, this post was beautifully written because it was from the heart and would not have been as powerful if edited because your 2013 was the shittiest of shitty. May 2014 be a kind year to you and yours. Love you lady. xoxo

  • Lee Shapcott

    January 1, 2014 at 10:45 am

    I personally found nothing offensive in your blog. I could think of much worse words I probably would have said/written. You are real. Unedited is real. I thank you for the honesty you share with us when you blog.

    Love, Peace, Understanding and Joy to you for this New Year. Keep on with what you're doing, you do it well

    Blessings always <3

  • Jessica

    December 31, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Don’t ever edit yourself…that’s what makes you you. I admire that about you. Love & hugs from NY!

  • Adrienne

    December 31, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    There’s nothing unChristian, sacrilegious, or unladylike about any of this. (OK, so maybe a little unladylike, but I never put much stock in being ladylike, anyhow.) What happened to your sons and your family is unspeakable, and I don’t know why it happened, but you’re right. It’s bullshit.

    Whatever nonsense some Christian people are throwing at you, you’re not doing this wrong. You can’t do it wrong. You’re doing it human, and real, and grief is an ugly bastard and how lucky for the people who don’t know that.

    I pray for a soft, gentle 2014 for you.

  • Kristin

    December 31, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    I’ve been thinking of your family a lot and how ready you must be to slam the door on 2013 and then nail it shut. Huge hugs to you mama. I love your writing because you’re honest and real. I love how you share in your blog like your best friends (or virtual friends) are listening. I’m listening, praying, and so glad you have this outlet. I hope comments like this one outshine the snarky ones. Vent as much as you need. Here’s to 2014!

  • Heather

    December 31, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Thank you for sharing your grief. I know it’s not an easy thing to do, and you do it beautifully.

  • Samantha aka “Jen”s worst nightmare

    December 31, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Uh “Jen” needs to shut the f— up.

  • Miranda

    December 31, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I’m a pastors wife. We lost a daughter last year halfway through my pregnancy and hell yeah I dropped some curse words. Right at God himself. So, Diana, I applaud you as well. I cannot fathom what you are enduring – just know thT my heart breaks for you and your anger is totally justified. xoxo

  • Beccy Beresic

    December 31, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability! It takes a strong woman to say how it really is! Continuing to pray for you all! I hope that 2014 is a year of healing, restoration and redemption for you & your family!

  • Courtney @ The Life and Times of Me

    December 31, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Ugh. . . this is just so heartbreaking. Praying that you’ll get some peace and a break in 2014 because you deserve it. No cliches or great words of wisdom. I am far from qualified to give either. Hang in there.

  • AutumnCamp

    December 31, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    You took the words right out of my mouth. 2013 has been a bullshit year and I can’t wait for it to be over. I like how you said that you will be the same person with the same story. That is so true. But the idea of a new beginning and the hope of a better 2014 is what we all need. Love and prayers to you guys and I look forward to reading many more blogs UNEDITED, with all the bad words and shit 🙂

  • Jenny

    December 31, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Not only does 2013 deserve your middle finger and as many colorful cuss words you can muster up… apparently so does Jen. Why do some people have to be ignorant idiots?? I mean really. I can only hope she’s realizing what a bitch she is for that comment and making her resolutions to be less bitchy. **Not apologizing for my language**

    Diana, I wish for you, Sam and Bella nothing short of smiles, laughter and fun family times in 2014. Hugs and love to you guys.

  • babysmama

    December 31, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    I totally understand. And I’ll spare the Bible verse, except for the fact that the Bible talks about righteous anger. And your anger is very righteous. It’s okay to be angry. <3

  • maggie

    December 31, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Thank you for your honesty, why should we sugarcoat horrible painful heart break? Diana, I cried with you, I shook my fist at God and screamed why would you take this child! And a month later I lost 3 beautiful dear friends in a rock slide?? I am with you Diana, goodbye 2013…

  • Stefanie

    December 31, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    You have every right to be mad and want this next year to be better! All I can say is I’m praying for and with you guys for the same thing!

  • K

    December 31, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Diana, you don’t know me but I’ve been following your story and this post, like so many others, left me breathless and in tears. Keep writing. Your story…we need to hear it as it unfolds. I think of you every day.

  • Sonya Morris

    December 31, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    2013 totally sucked big time for you guys! Here’s to 2014 being your year girl!!!

  • Nancy

    December 31, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Momma, I’m so sorry. You’re writing is real. We can’t edit emotions. And honestly, God has heard it all before! I know he’s heard it from me. He doesn’t take it personal. With my loss I thought I lost my faith. I was so angry…and so hurt. I made it through and do did you. Your relationship with God has changed, but its not gone. Even though while going through it, it doesn’t feel like it, he’s holding you…and all your beautiful sweet baby boys too. You don’t know me personally, but I feel like I know you. Sending you love! And to all that your emotions bother…please get over it…your emotions have been strong at one point or another…Diana is just brave enough to express it!

  • Emily

    December 31, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    “Too much, Lord” is so true. Diana, I still don’t know how to fit your sweet boys into what I knew of God. I don’t understand him. And that does not bring me peace anymore.

  • angela

    December 31, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    I’m so proud of you for writing this post.

  • Franchesca

    December 31, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    I second what Lyndsey said. Light it on fire. I can’t fathom what you’ve walked and bear every morning and every day…

    xoxoxoxo

  • Melissa

    December 31, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Agreed. You deserve a peaceful 2014 and also, being that most of us are adults, you have more than earned the right to use “colorful language.” LOL some people just CRACK ME UP!

    “Bad words” aren’t any less offensive than a blatant disregard for someone who is expressing their grief. I’d have to say it’s a hell of a lot more infuriating. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone who’s in pain and a wonderful way of making yourself look like a total ass.

    Oh boy. Now I’m doing it too… Diana is just ruining lives right and left tonight 😉 ♥

  • Mindy Lafevers-Hodge

    January 1, 2014 at 4:15 am

    You deserve to be as ticked off, angry, raging, mad as you want to be. Say whatever you want to say, however you want to say it. If anyone thinks less of you for it, throw a shoe at them. We're all here still praying for you, still believing you are an amazing strong human, and still not understanding why you've had to endure so much. It just ain't fair. Covering you in prayer this night. Here's to a 2014 that brings joy unspeakable and full of glory.

  • lyndsey

    December 31, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    You needed to release this & leave it in 2013. As for your language… mild to say the least. I remember when I started following your blog when you were pregnant with the twins & I csn say the language I have used just thinking about everything you & your family endured was much more colorful. Your grief is unedited… so should your post.

  • elizabeth clements

    December 31, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Tell Him girl. And light 2013 on fire. Tell 2013 to get hosed. Sucky Mc Suck Suck!!!

  • Rachel

    December 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Oh honey. I’m so sorry.

    And seriously Jen. You could possibly be the most uncaring person in the world. If you can read this post and then say that, then you really need to reflect on your overall caring towards others. Maybe a New Years resolution? Or possibly a personal goal to become a better human being?

    Anyways, Diana, thank you for sharing. And no one could ever blame you for those feelings. May God bless your family in ways unimaginable in 2014. Please God.

  • Cindy

    December 31, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Sending you hugs. Sending you love. I hope 2014 brings your family much love (which I know personally that you guys have) and much peace. Love you!

  • Katie

    December 31, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    I love you. Still.

  • Stacy

    December 31, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    I appreciate the unedited post. You don’t have to be all happy-go-lucky, Mrs. Prim and Proper. 2013 did suck. And it’s gone. Good riddance too. We are adults, and profanity sometimes is the best way to express ourselves. And frankly, they’re just words. With what you’ve gone through, I’m surprised there were no F-bombs.

  • Jada and Izzies mommy

    December 31, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    Diana, thank you for your raw real ness! I’m glad this is unedited for the simple reason that you are REAL and are able to speak exactly what some of us think but won’t say aloud. I pray that 2014 is amazing for you and that your relationship with God is not only redefined, but that you are able to grow an even deeper relationship. I pray that through this madness and misunderstanding you are able to heal as well! Hugs to you sweet lady

  • Sarah

    December 31, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    Jen is stupid. Don’t listen to her.

    LOVE love LOVE this and my ‘hard’ is nothing compared to you. THANK YOU for being transparent, your UNEDITED honesty is what helps other hearts heal and survive.

  • Heather

    December 31, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    This is so real. I love when you write like this, with no editing and no worries about the “bad” words or over-judgey religious readers.

    I’ve read your blog for a while now and this kind of uninhibited writing is what keeps me around.

    I’ll be sending lots of good vibes your way for a 2014 with some happiness and good times.

  • megan

    December 31, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Diana. Thank you for your willingness to be honest and speak your heart. Slam the door and don’t look back.

  • Kim

    December 31, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    I applaud your middle finger to 2013. It deserves nothing but a kick in the crotch. And of one thing I’m sure, god can take your disgust and your anger. He’s bigger than all this horseshit. And I pray he’s got big bold plans for you.

    1. Becky

      December 31, 2013 at 9:12 pm

      Well said Kim!

      Diana, I love your blog and honest posts like this are needed. I pray 2014 comes with healing and joyful plans!

  • Jeniffer Smith

    December 31, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    Even though this year was hard for my family for vastly different reasons, I am so ready for it to be over too. Too much, Lord.

  • Karen

    December 31, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    I can feel your soul in this post and I wish only peace and love for your family in 2014.

  • Jen

    December 31, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Yeah. You should have spared us the 2 minutes & edited this. I get your mad. But is the language necessary?

    1. Diana

      December 31, 2013 at 8:49 pm

      Two words: DON’T READ.

      1. The Queen

        January 11, 2014 at 3:26 pm

        I wish this thing had a thumbs up Diana, I’d punch it ten times a day. Thank you for speaking up for her. I agree, can’t handle it, don’t read it.

      2. lulu

        January 28, 2014 at 1:43 pm

        when you hurt this bad, you are free to let everything out. it’s your grief and your pain. don’t let anyone tell you how you should behave in the midst of tragedy. if they can’t deal with it, they shouldn’t read it. how many times was i told to hold back on my expression of pain. ugh! it’s mine to explode and to let out. it’s a cry of hurt that no one else will ever understand unless they have lived it. if they held it in, then they are suppressing it. the pain is real and sometimes you just have to let it out. Good for you Diana!!! GREAT post!!!

    2. Diana

      December 31, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      Also Jen? Why even bother commenting with that? Why inflict more pain? Why not just say, “Hey, this post wasn’t for me but then I DIDN’T LOSE 3 CHILDREN so maybe I should shut my mouth and move on?” You know? That would have been super.

      1. Joy

        January 1, 2014 at 11:05 am

        I haven’t ever replied to a comment in a blog, but Jen made me sick when I read that comment. Really? You don’t understand why she is mad enough to not edit it…. and then even if you do understand why she is mad you thought it was appropriate. Even if you do understand she’s angry or disagreed with her post, I can’t believe you wouldn’t even allow her one honest moment of real feelings. If I was the author, my blog personally would have contained much more language i’m afraid.

    3. jennanoelle

      December 31, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      I’m sorry, but we you are going to allow a few choice words obscure the real issue here-a raw woman a broken heart-the issue doesn’t become her “unladylike” words. The issue becomes our judgmental fingers pointing towards condemnation and away from Christ.

      1. jennanoelle

        December 31, 2013 at 8:59 pm

        I’m sorry, but if we are going to allow a few choice words obscure the real issue here-a raw woman a broken heart-the issue doesn’t become her “unladylike” words. The issue becomes our judgmental fingers pointing towards condemnation and away from Christ.

        I’m not sure if my comment posted, so I apologize if this is a repeat. I just feel it was important enough to bring up. I applaud you, Diana, and I pray for your Mama heart. I pray 2014 is a year of healing and restoration. xo

    4. Cindy

      December 31, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      Jen- you choose to read this blog or NOT read this blog. Your choice. IF you do not want to read, don’t. Also, unless you have gone thru and walked in Diana’s footsteps, you can not judge. If you do not care for the words, do not read, do not comment. Everyone grieves and get angry at the world differently, and it does not always include your idea of the right or wrong words.

    5. KJ

      December 31, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      Judgemental much Jen? Why would you say that to someone who has every right to be angry? You don’t like the language don’t read. It’s not your blog or your feelings to criticize.

      Diana much love to you & your family.

    6. Heather

      December 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      Seriously Jen. ” I get your mad.” In response to a woman expressing raw emotion about losing 3 children!?!?! I don’t think you “get” very much about what she said.
      BTW: it’s “you’re”

      1. Kristin

        December 31, 2013 at 10:24 pm

        I love that you pointed out her grammatical error. I caught that too. 😉

    7. E

      December 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      Jen, you suck as a person. That’s really all there is to say.

    8. Cindy

      December 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      Also Jen, I think we are all adults here. Reading profanity is not going to hurt you.

    9. Amy

      December 31, 2013 at 10:13 pm

      Wow. Someone needs to get a serious whack with the empathy stick.

      I’m so sorry Diana. I really can’t imagine what you are feeling or what you have gone through. Use whatever language you want! If anyone’s earned the right to swear at 2013, pretty sure it’s you. ♥

    10. Elise

      December 31, 2013 at 11:39 pm

      I have a hard time believing that God Himself, even with His perfection, would have sniped about the language in this post. Jen, your comment is like looking at someone who has been disemboweled and saying, “Umm, I get that you’re uncomfortable and everything, but could you try not to bleed on the carpet?”
      Blast away, Diana. The holier-than-thous can be their own good examples of “proper” Christian expression. For the imperfect among us, the fact that you’re still hanging on is enough. And the nice thing about being a child of God is that it’s a real relationship, not a performance where we have to put on our halo and pretend. Besides, nothing’s hidden from Him, so there’s nothing to be gained by pretending to be all poised and serene when all hell (<— *gasp* sorry… I mean… "heck"… 😉 ) is breaking loose inside. Words are powerful. Sometimes they have the power of life or death. But sometimes they just need to be said because otherwise they'd just fester beneath the surface. Say what you need to say. Anyone who would judge at this point has their own issues to resolve. Praying that 2014 is kind to you and your family.

    11. KJ

      January 1, 2014 at 12:05 am

      Jen, f off. The end.

      1. JG

        January 3, 2014 at 1:41 pm

        my thoughts EXACTLY.

    12. Rusti

      January 1, 2014 at 8:15 am

      Jen – seriously, I had to go back up and re-read to see if I had missed some f-bombs or something, because “bullshit” and “shittier” didn’t come across as “language”… but, that aside – the world could have happily gone without your input here. crawl back under your rock.or your bridge, troll.

      Diana – sending much love to your family and praying for a peaceful, healing 2014 for you all. wish I could do something to help. xo

    13. Lynn Youlountas

      January 1, 2014 at 9:04 am

      As the rest of us read this with tears and our hearts so full of pain for Diana and her family, it is shocking and deeply saddening to see something like Jen’s nasty comment. Shame on you, Jen. Diana, you have all of our love and prayers and just thoughts of being with you and hoping for you and your family to get some fairness and peace. Every day so many of us are thinking of you. I’m so sorry for all the pain you have all gone through. Much love.

      1. Karen

        January 1, 2014 at 9:14 am

        Thank you, very well said! I was the #3 post originally and saw Jen’s comments- I just didn’t know what to say. What I wanted to say wouldn’t have been very lady like or impacted the comment that was made. Diana, I heard your story and your path through my daughter @thetinytwig and I prayed for you from the start. I was also proud and amazed that you came to the Influence Conf and I hope it was blessing for you. I keep you and your family in my prayers. Here’s to a peaceful and grace filled 2014.

    14. Bethany Pearl-Pinckard

      January 3, 2014 at 4:59 pm

      Really, Jen?? What part of that was supposed to encourage or edify Diana? It certainly wasn’t the worst language she could have used. No need for you to get butthurt. May God give you the wisdom to discern when you should take the opportunity to build others up instead of tearing them down.
      Diana- God hears you. I pray that He bring you peace and joy to your heart and your family in this new year!!

  • Karri Bergren

    January 1, 2014 at 3:47 am

    I wish I could say I didn't understand you at all. Prayers for a fruitful and blessed 2014 for you and your family. (((hugs)))

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