Kaden’s Tattoo

June 22, 2014

This Thursday will be 10 months since Kaden died. 10 months. Each month I think this and each month it’s true – I simply can’t believe it’s been this long.

I don’t know if this has gotten easier to handle. The day to day is easier, yes. The grief isn’t as all consuming every moment. But the times that it hits me are still just as painful and bewildering as the day he passed. There are moments that overtake me out of nowhere and I struggle just to keep myself from screaming and bursting into tears.

  • The baby aisle in Target.
  • New baby announcements.
  • Insurance mail addressed to him.

I had to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and I loved that show.

Don’t think I sit around and feel sorry for myself about this. I hate this. I strive every.single.day to change my mindset and emotional reaction a little more to these kinds of things. Because it’s life – it’s how it is and there isn’t anyone to blame. It just happened and time marches on. I was so, so close to being ok with this all from losing the twins. Kaden was my rainbow baby, he was supposed to fix all of this.

Instead, I have tattoos for them. I wasn’t ever a tattoo fan. In fact, I always thought they were a little over dramatic. And let’s be honest – no one could accuse me of that.

Bwahahahaha

Then I had the twins’ footprints done, and it was different. Somehow it helped to have a little part of them with me.

Last year I had my verse tattooed on my arm. Pretty much I was angry at God, Kaden had passed away a month before that, and I thought sticking that verse on me was a good reminder of my promise – no matter how much I went through.

Yesterday Laura and I went to get a tattoo for her (she’d hand drawn hers and has been working on it for years) and mine for Kaden. Annie from besmallstudios reached out on Instagram saying she’d sketch me up a design. While her final sketch was very polished, I loved the initial rough draft so much I went with that one. It felt like it was the perfectly imperfect part of this journey. The elephant was because everything we had for him was elephants. Clothes, blankets, everything. The four little hearts are for him, Bella, and the twins.

I placed it on my chest because this was the exact spot Kaden’s head laid when he passed away. So just FYI I’m not trying to flash everyone. 😉

kaden's elephant tattoo

I love it. And for those of you that asked, this was the most painful one so far. My arms and wrists hurt half as much. But it was (just like the others) so worth it. I may get it touched up a bit later but I’m undecided on that. I really like how original and sketchy it looks.

Thanks for all the love about this. It doesn’t take away the pain of not having him, but it’s just a little reminder of him everywhere I go.

—————

 

33 Comments

  • Michelle Owens

    June 25, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    I saw your post and wanted to say Im so very sorry for your loss. I lost my first son Hunter December 1,2013 @ 19 weeks and 3 days. My heart hurts just like it did that day at that moment he was born knowing we would never take him home. I even begged my husband not to make me give him to the funeral director. I just couldnt let him go. I pray it gets a little easier for you. Im currently pregnant with our second son (20 weeks and 2 days!!) So I try to focus on Hayes and tell him that his big brother is his Guardian Angel 🙂 May your soul find peace XO

  • Katie Cornell

    June 25, 2014 at 4:10 am

    I lost my Kayden too…:( he was born sleeping on December 19th 2013, so its only been 6 months for me, and still today I feel as if it were yesterday.

  • Rhianna Light

    June 25, 2014 at 2:55 am

    Love this! I had my second son's hand and foot print done, next to the prints of my living son. I felt like I was betraying him or denying him by not adding him to the canvas of my life. My artist also incorporated some of his ashes in with the ink, this has helped me a lot by making me feel that I have a part of him that will always go wherever I go. Much love to you, thank you for sharing <3

  • Crystal Lynn

    June 25, 2014 at 2:32 am

    love it I recently just worked up the courage last year to go get mine for my son whom is also watching over us from heaven

  • Kir Piccini

    June 23, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    it’s beautiful, such a beautiful tribute to that little baby boy, the twins and Bella.

  • Suz

    June 23, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Beautiful

  • Sue

    June 23, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Love the tattoo and the meaning behind it. I was pregnant and following your blog last summer. My little girl was born August 10th last year. I remember reading your blog when he got sick and then when he passed. I was so angry for you. So not fair. I had my baby at home beside me and you didn’t after all you’d been through. I think of Kaden often as he and my Logann were born around the same time. I’m so very sorry for your losses. Thank you for your testimony and how honest you have been. Prayers and hugs to you!!!

  • Erin

    June 23, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Beautiful. Just perfect.

  • Deb Duncan-Hite

    June 23, 2014 at 10:57 am

  • Jill Williams Krause

    June 22, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    It’s perfectly, beautifully raw.

  • Annie Barnett

    June 22, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    It came out so beautifully – glorious imperfections and all! So grateful to have played a small part in honoring Kaden’s life and so grateful for your words here, Diana. Much love to you!

  • Becky @ bybmg

    June 22, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    I love how it turned out. The hearts are a wonderful touch!

  • Leanna Williams

    June 23, 2014 at 12:10 am

    I love it. I am not a tattoo person but I love the idea. Images and especially those with emotional attachments, are very powerful.

  • Julie Roberts Brinton

    June 23, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Simply perfect! Fan or not you just can't argue with the mind, body, and spirit connection that takes place through this process. I would love to do something similar to honor my motherhood, the children I have and the ones I've lost to miscarriage. I think it's a beautiful way to do it.

  • Elizabeth Clements

    June 22, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    It's the loveliest.

  • Carrie

    June 22, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    It’s beautiful. Perfect.

  • Maria Moser

    June 22, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    I love it. I'll admit, I'm in tears.

  • Kristin Nabers

    June 22, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    I'm not generally a tattoo fan either, but this is beautiful and perfect. I would love it even without knowing the story behind it.

  • Melissa Lynn Benham

    June 22, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    I love it. Think of you and your sweet family often.

  • Jenny Summers

    June 22, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    It's so perfect!

  • Jessica Ebersole

    June 22, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Beautiful tattoo. I love it!

  • heather…

    June 22, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Love it. xo

  • Kristin @ inbetweenthepiles.com

    June 22, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    And I just noticed the wings on the elephant!! So, so sweet! Your tattoos are inspiring me to maybe get a lil more ink…

  • Kristin @ inbetweenthepiles.com

    June 22, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    I love it. Everything. It’s perfect. And the spot that you chose brings tears to my eyes. That spot was touched by an angel…

  • Kate Bryan

    June 22, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    That placement is so sweet, it’s perfect.

  • Nicole at Mommy Moxie

    June 22, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    It’s amazing Diana-Annie did an incredible job. The hearts are so perfect; it has all your babies right next to your heart. <3 Love you friend xoxo

  • Amy Daniels Jones

    June 22, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Still thinking of your family and praying for you daily. Always look forward to reading your blog posts.

  • Caroline Craigie

    June 22, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I love it x

  • Michelle Lee Rosales

    June 22, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    I love it. No need to touch up, but of course, it's up to you. I love it. Best wishes to all of you.

  • MC Hawes

    June 22, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    I love it and I love the placement. It looks great.

  • Deborah Garza

    June 22, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    My heart is with y’all. Lots of love, hugs, and prayers.

  • melody

    June 22, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Diana. this is PERFECT. I love everything about it. and I just adore you to bits. that is the sweetest little elephant and I just can’t wait to meet your Kaden one day. so many hugs to you mama xoxoxoxoxo

  • CourtneyinFL

    June 22, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    love it! Big hugs and lots of love sent to you.

Comments are closed.

Prev Post Next Post