This Thursday will be 10 months since Kaden died. 10 months. Each month I think this and each month it’s true – I simply can’t believe it’s been this long.
I don’t know if this has gotten easier to handle. The day to day is easier, yes. The grief isn’t as all consuming every moment. But the times that it hits me are still just as painful and bewildering as the day he passed. There are moments that overtake me out of nowhere and I struggle just to keep myself from screaming and bursting into tears.
- The baby aisle in Target.
- New baby announcements.
- Insurance mail addressed to him.
I had to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because she and I were pregnant at the same time, and I loved that show.
Don’t think I sit around and feel sorry for myself about this. I hate this. I strive every.single.day to change my mindset and emotional reaction a little more to these kinds of things. Because it’s life – it’s how it is and there isn’t anyone to blame. It just happened and time marches on. I was so, so close to being ok with this all from losing the twins. Kaden was my rainbow baby, he was supposed to fix all of this.
Instead, I have tattoos for them. I wasn’t ever a tattoo fan. In fact, I always thought they were a little over dramatic. And let’s be honest – no one could accuse me of that.
Then I had the twins’ footprints done, and it was different. Somehow it helped to have a little part of them with me.
Last year I had my verse tattooed on my arm. Pretty much I was angry at God, Kaden had passed away a month before that, and I thought sticking that verse on me was a good reminder of my promise – no matter how much I went through.
Yesterday Laura and I went to get a tattoo for her (she’d hand drawn hers and has been working on it for years) and mine for Kaden. Annie from besmallstudios reached out on Instagram saying she’d sketch me up a design. While her final sketch was very polished, I loved the initial rough draft so much I went with that one. It felt like it was the perfectly imperfect part of this journey. The elephant was because everything we had for him was elephants. Clothes, blankets, everything. The four little hearts are for him, Bella, and the twins.
I placed it on my chest because this was the exact spot Kaden’s head laid when he passed away. So just FYI I’m not trying to flash everyone. 😉
I love it. And for those of you that asked, this was the most painful one so far. My arms and wrists hurt half as much. But it was (just like the others) so worth it. I may get it touched up a bit later but I’m undecided on that. I really like how original and sketchy it looks.
Thanks for all the love about this. It doesn’t take away the pain of not having him, but it’s just a little reminder of him everywhere I go.
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