Lately I’ve been in a real funk. Besides all the horrible anniversaries next month, there has also been massive guilt about Bella. To put it bluntly – she’s been really hard to deal with lately. On top of that, I’ve been hard to deal with too, and Sam’s been working either the longest days or gone for a week at a time. We’ve all been stressed out and on edge.
Yesterday I was at my wits end. I just could not figure out whether I should continue with my desire to homeschool Bella, or if I was being selfish and it would be better if she was in a school this year.
On top of that, with our friends having moved, we don’t know any families with kids here, and it’s so hot out that meeting people at a park or something is out of the question.
I laid on my bed yesterday and bawled. I felt like on top of everything else, I’d pretty much failed as a mom this past year. I didn’t want to keep Bella away from peers, but with our story it was like facing a shooting squad to “join a mom’s group!” or “go to a Bible study!”
Why? So I can sit there for a few hours and watch everyone pregnant and with new babies while I hold it together but come off as a stuck up snob that won’t talk to anyone? So when I leave I can spend the rest of that day and the next attempting to gain back the little sanity I have left?
But last night, I was on the Ft. Bliss site looking at childcare options, when I saw a link to homeschooling. Clicking, I came across a site for homeschool families in El Paso. Now – most of these I’ve contacted in the past year have been defunct, so I really expected no answer. I emailed asking for more info, and received the kindest response back from the founder. Over 200 families are part of this, and it has stuff going on all the time. I’m now part of the co-op/group that holds retreats, has classes for different subjects taught by homeschool parents, sports, and get togethers.
Then (since I was on a roll) I signed Bella up for as needed childcare on post. Our facilities there are pretty amazing – brand new with highly qualified and monitored employees, lots of kids, tons of things to do. I have been feeling awful lately for Bella being alone often, and I’m going to start taking her to this 2 or so mornings a week for just a few hours so she can be with other kids and I can work and run errands. They also offered sports and classes, so I signed her up for 4 weeks of gymnastics in August and soccer from Sept-Oct.
I can’t even tell you what these simple things did for my outlook on stuff lately. Bella was so excited to learn about all of this, we go tomorrow for a tour and a little while of her being there to get familiar and see what she thinks.
We need some changes around here. I feel like life has ground to a screeching halt lately and it stopped somewhere really depressing and hard. If these new opportunities help all of us to feel better, then it’s completely worth it. I feel motivated and enthused about homeschooling her again, knowing that even as an only child she’s still going to have friends and activities. That is the best feeling.