Railing

November 22, 2014

This morning I decided to just unload on God.

There’s a part of me – probably the evangelical youth group girl – who feels a bit guilty doing this. Like, maybe I should just be thanking Him and praising and KLOVE’ing it up instead of telling Him that it feels like every gift given turns into a bandaid for the wound about to come.

There’s a song (that I really love) that always hits me because it says, “You’re the reason for – every good thing, every heartbeat, every day we get to breathe…”

And I always think – oh.

Holidays are hard. I don’t really know why they’re so much harder than any other day or time of the year, but my guess is that it’s the time of year everyone is so happy and loving and joyful and “Look at our kids all in their Christmas outfits!” and it hits me again that 3 of our 4 are gone.

I’m still really angry about this all. And I’m ok with letting God know. I don’t see the point in having a pretend, happy-go-lucky one on one with a God that knows every part of me, and all my sinful actions and thoughts.

I’ve had enough fake relationships in my life that were completely unfulfilling and forced me to be someone I wasn’t. I certainly don’t want that with God.

There’s always someone that comes along saying, “But you shouldn’t do that! You can’t tell God that! You can’t scream/curse at/throw things/cry again because you’re so blessed and if you’d just be thankful…”

Or the lovely one of, “I never asked God why, just like Job.”

Wonderful. I ask God why every day because that’s me. I’m not Job. I don’t expect an answer, but I do expect that He knows I’m thinking it anyway.

I don’t know why there is this mentality that we can’t be angry at God. What do we think our grievances will do?

Surprise Him?

::snort::

“Gosh Diana, I thought you were this really nice person and this morning it seems like you’re so angry. So I’m going to have to move your seat back a few rows in heaven until this behavior stops. #blessed”

God knows y’all. He knows and He gets it and He’s sorry we’re so awful sometimes but I really don’t think He wants us to pretend it’s all ok. Yes, my heart needs an attitude adjustment soon. And I will ask forgiveness. And my goal isn’t to do this and revel in it “I swore at God this morning! Wheeeeeee!” – but it is to be honest in these moments.

Life is hard. It’s painful and full of things I don’t understand and I don’t like. I wish He’d allowed a different story for me, but this is what I’ve got to work with and I’m trying my best. I believe that in my raw feelings, my heart is being led to look at a different perspective.

So I rail at God, because if I can’t be honest with Him, then who?

12 Comments

  • Casey

    November 24, 2014 at 6:54 am

    Yes. This. You can’t break God.

  • Elise N Hoffman

    November 24, 2014 at 4:00 am

    When I raged at God, He let me get it out of my system, then said very clearly, "Stop it. I'm doing something here, and you're going to mess it up if you continue to hold this against Me."
    I gave my anger to God, but I'd be lying if I denied the occasional flare-up.
    You have more reason to grieve and rail against God than many, including me. God understands your need to vent. But He also sees your willingness to yield to Him and be used by Him. If you weren't inside of His will, He'd let you know.
    I still don't know all that God was/is doing in my situation, and it's been three years. He knows that sometimes I still cry tears of anger and confusion. And sometimes I cry tears of gratitude that He puts up with my crap and loves me anyway. He knows about those too.

  • Mary Templeton Lichlyter

    November 23, 2014 at 1:43 am

    I believe it was Martin Luther who said, "Love God? Sometimes I hate Him."

  • Anne-Marie

    November 22, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    I’ve been thinking about this really oversimplified neurology thing a lot: sensory input goes in, our “lizard” hind-brains process the physical sensations, our middle brains send out emotion signals, and only then do the words/thoughts happen. So really, asking me to control my emotions is a lot like asking me to stop a muscle from twitching, or asking me not to jump when there’s a loud, unexpected noise.

    The feelings are here. If anyone can handle them, it’s going to be GOD. I might not be dealing so well, but He certain is.

  • Angela Parker

    November 22, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Like you say, He knows you inside out n there's no point pretending…besides I believe His shoulders are big enough to deal with our rubbish n still love us!! Thinking of you and all of your little ones ❤ xx

  • Brandy Miller

    November 22, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Diana… I found your blog a few nights ago and read with tears as story after story came flooding through.
    I’m currently in the midst of infertility and have been so frustrated with those who think it’s awful to cry and question God. I’m actually forming a blog on those right now. But I wanted to to share with you….

    Job in Chapter 7 DOES cry out bitterly and DOES question God. Scripture says he did not sin in it but still Job said “I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul” (v11). Also in verse 18-20: why do you test man every moment? How long will you not look away from me, nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit? If I sin, what do i do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you?”

    To top it off… Jesus questioned God… “Why have you forsaken me?”

    your’e so right… God wants us to be honest with Him. We can turn away from God and never question or bottle it up and pretend all is good but that doesn’t bring Him glory or show that we trust Him. Job and Jesus could question God because they trusted Him. Because they knew He was good and He cared. In questioning Him is what’s lead me to His answers of Him shaping my heart and using me to encourage others with infertility and bringing Him more glory…

    Thanks for being real and sharing your heart!

    Praying for you and your sweet family as you begin this holiday season.

  • Kristin @ In Between the Piles

    November 22, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Oh, Diana. I love your rawness & realness & that you share posts like this one. You’re right. God knows it all, and God can handle it. You are often in my prayers.

  • Brei Martin Floyd

    November 22, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Love. Your honesty is so appreciated! Prayers for you.

  • Pamela Neumann

    November 22, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Yes. Thank you for being real.

  • Karen Perry Habiger

    November 22, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    I've spent plenty of time in Psalms in the years since my son died. My baby boy, 9 mos old, died 9 days before Christmas…24 yrs ago next month. Holidays are still bittersweet. In psalms I read David's clear expressions of anger & pain & they resonate w/ me, but so does his continued trust in God's goodness. Praying for you during this holiday season…celebration & grief, such a difficult journey.

  • Lisa Maere Forgie

    November 22, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    I firmly believe God expects us to "tantrum" and "meltdown" at times. Like you said, if you can't be this real with God, you can't be with anyone else. I'm just glad is a patient father that can put up with my antics.

  • April

    November 22, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Exactly Diana and we believe he knows all our deepest thoughts and so yes 1. We can’t surprise him and 2. I agree an honest relationship with God is our true goal. Thank you for being brave enough to do these things.

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