I think that most days I waver between, “This is so incredible” and “How the heck am I going to do all of this?”
Yes, this is all very exciting. Yes, it feels a bit surreal to tell people – how do you explain to someone (like my hairstylist today) what really is new?
“Well, so I blog, and I went back to school to be a grief and loss counselor – after going to Zimbabwe with World Vision – and I just signed with a literary agent to write a book.”
The questions that come from this are hard to answer in a short amount of time without any background. Where do I begin? How do I field questions like, “Why did you go to Zimbabwe? How do you get paid to write? What’s the book going to be about?”
Or my favorite, “My cousin LOVES to write and he doesn’t have a job, I’ve been telling him ‘Start a blog!’ so I should give him your email…”
I struggle most with documenting the good parts of life, because doing so can present me with feelings/issues I don’t really know how to deal with. One is feeling like I’m boasting. It’s easier to deal with the hard news because I’m comfortable with that – I’m really comfortable with hard stuff and those responses.
The other is because people can get nasty when it comes to good things. I realize not everyone has a literary agent land in their lap, gets to go across the world with World Vision, goes on an all expenses paid Disney Cruise, has Land of Nod design them a homeschool room – etc. I feel like when I talk about these things, it opens up the door for people to become hateful. It’s happened enough before, and I’ve seen a lot of, “She just lost three babies, we can’t hate on her right now” comments to know it could happen again. Loss has protected me from a lot of the cruelty the internet offers anonymously.
Then there’s the fear of people thinking, “Oh good, she’s on her way ‘up’. We can remind her of this if she posts about being sad!”
Oh y’all. I know, I know it’s hard to read me sometimes. I know people wonder if all I do is spend my days curled up in bed crying when they read my posts about Kaden or the twins. But honestly – no. I’m pretty happy and content with my life. I love what I get to do, I love my husband and Bella. I love our little life in El Paso. Most days, if I wake up and the house is decently cleaned 🙂 I feel pretty content.
I have moments that hit me – anywhere and everywhere. I miss my sons terribly. I often find myself longing for what should have been. I am never, ever going to be “happy” because that’s not what my life is supposed to be. It’s just not – none of our lives are supposed to hit Happiness Level 10 and that’s it.
Our lives are supposed to be lived for Christ – and this is the story He’s given me. The hard and joyful.
I can promise I’m not working on climbing out a pit of misery or wandering around looking for happiness. I’m here. This is my life. I’m not working on anything but learning how to become the person God intended me to be and share my story. That is all. I hope that can resonate with anyone who might be wishing things to get better for me – I know you care. But I don’t anymore, because I’m ok with this being my story.
Now I am just working on being as comfortable with the good stuff, the beautiful part of my life, as I am with the hard things.