I look down at my growing stomach (4th pregnancy isn’t joking around y’all) and it’s so odd after two pregnancies and three boys and six boy names to know this one is a girl.
I’m excited for Bella to have a sister, and I’m honestly really excited to do girl stuff all over again. I saved many of Bella’s things. Hauled it through all our moves. Stored it in the closets. When I was toward the end of my pregnancy with Kaden, Sam and I talked about having one more.
I’d had a feeling pretty early on that this baby might be a girl, since my morning sickness pattern was so close to being pregnant with Bella. I didn’t take any medication with her for that until second trimester, so I remembered it really well. And this time, no meds again since we don’t know what triggers a ciHHV-6 activation.
I have to say, I’m not really “getting ready.” I’m not there and I don’t know if I will be even during this pregnancy. There is a part of me that wants to put even buying a car seat on hold until we know she’s going to come home. Driving home and uninstalling a car seat – for some reason that is just too much for me to comprehend again.
I know that there are many people I bump into or read this that would urge me to keep a (more) optimistic outlook, but I feel that I’m doing the very best I can given the circumstances I’ve walked through and still face. I go to my appointments. I talk about her with Bella. I take care of myself. So if waiting to buy baby things until she’s home is what we need to do to keep a little protection around our hearts and minds, I think that’s perfectly fine. It certainly won’t change our love for her, but it allows me a realistic view and not live in a fantasy “this can’t happen a third time” world.
It can. It might. I pray it won’t.
However, I’d say while 50% of my time is spent on trying to prepare my heart for a loss instead of a surprise again, the other 50% is letting myself dream and plan. I do picture Bella with her, I let my heart think about how it would be to snuggle a little one wearing a onesie we adored on Bella, to see Sam with a tiny one in the crook of his #samsarms (if you’re on IG you may have seen us tag his arms with this 🙂 ) . I think about her growing up so close in age to my sister’s baby too.
In the meantime, we are pretty certain we have a name (!!) and we love it. Still deciding on middle names however. I don’t know if we’ll share them or not. Sorry about being such a tease 😉 but I love waiting for a name reveal when others have a baby on the way.
Oh and I’m already 14 weeks! It feels like it’s gone by really quick so far.
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Seriously all – 1 million children are in need of services now. This is not sad or upsetting. This is horrific. So many of you know what some of these parents are feeling there as they wake to another day without their children. We can help them to at least be safe and cared for as they grieve and search for family and friends.
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