Some of you might remember we had a birth photographer when I had Kaden. I’d gone back and forth on hiring one, but in the end we found the perfect photographer who was more than willing to work with our unknown birth schedule. Kristine lives in El Paso and owns Kristine Garcia Photography (Instagram & Facebook). I loved her work, and she was so easy-going and had great ideas about what to snap of us. She showed up the morning I had my cerclage taken out when the OB told me she’d go ahead and induce since I was already dilated at a 4.
When Kaden died, I had the CD of all those pics in a little box by my computer. And I never looked at them. Many times I tried, but something always interrupted or I found I just couldn’t pull myself together enough to. But I kept them there because I knew one day I’d want to see them – they were the only pictures I have of him when he was first born.
With his birthday on the 5th, I found myself wanting to see them. I went to look for the CD and slowly realized after a few days of, “Maybe I stuck it here?” that during our move it had been lost or misplaced somewhere I’d never look. I was devastated. I contacted Kristine, knowing full well after four years the chances of her keeping them all was pretty slim. She let me know she’d look when she was home from a trip, but that she’d updated her storage system and wasn’t sure if she still had them.
Every day I spent a bit of time looking for them, and nothing. I was so mad at myself that I’d lost them.
And then today, Kristine messaged me that she’d found them. And I couldn’t believe it. I would get to see new pictures of my son, pictures I’d never seen before, moments I didn’t remember anymore, little details I’d forgotten.
When Bella and Char were in bed, Sam and I sat down and looked through them. There was my amazing doula and one of the most Godly, patient, kind women I’ve ever met – Emily. The poor nurse who we roped into letting me sit on the ball while I had contractions even though hospital policy was I had to stay in bed. The moment Sam and I realized something was wrong. And him taking Kaden to the NICU – “just as a precaution.”
We laughed, sighed, and cried – and at the end I put my head in my hands and sobbed for all we’d lost when Kaden died.
But we have these. Our memories. Our moments. Those will always be ours.
Thank you so much Kristine, for showing up and for finding these. You can’t imagine how much it meant to us.
Here he is, the moments that make up the start of Kaden’s short, perfect, loved little life: